Sex related question (sorry if tmi..)

Justwondering321 · 2015-06-01T11:07:56+00:00

If your partner generally refused to make eye contact during sex, and tended to reject you/ignore you if you tried to initiate (i.e sex is on his terms only) but, was very sweet to you in other ways, loves you and takes care of you - would this indicate you're not compatible? (Sexually at least??) Xx

TheoriginalLEM · 01/06/2015 12:11

The eye contact thing wouldn't bother me, but the rejection absolutely would, especially at the begining of a relationship.

Original poster

Justwondering321 · 01/06/2015 12:12

We've been together for 3 years and the rejection started maybe 1 year in. Not all the time, but most of the time

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 01/06/2015 12:14

Its not going to get better - your relationship is still relatively new, i'd be cutting my losses.

LadyBlaBlah · 01/06/2015 12:46

I would think he has a vile attitude towards women.

i.e. women who instigate sex are sluts.

And for that reason, I would ensure that I never initiate sex or have sex with him again by dumping him.

CaptainAnkles · 01/06/2015 12:58

The rejection and the lack of eye contact would put me off making any further effort with the person. It sounds like he's thinking about somebody else and has no respect for you.

pocketsaviour · 01/06/2015 13:07

Yeah, it sounds like this one's a non-starter.

MsJJ79 · 01/06/2015 13:20

I would think he wasn't able to engage with me as a sexual partner and was just having sex 'on' me rather than with me. I would assume he didn't fancy me anymore and/or has been watching a shit load of porn. And I would dump him, life's too short to put up with crap sex.

EdmondDantes · 01/06/2015 13:34

How is he rejecting you? How is he communicating this to you? Have you spoken to him about it. Maybe he has some issues? Maybe if the sex drives are mismatched he thinks you are pressurising him. At the end of the day, he is entitled to say no if he doesn't feel the need for it. Just as you entitled to walk away if the relationship does not fulfill your requirements.

I think a few more details would give everyone a better read on the situation. As for the not looking, are his eyes closed? Staring at the head board? Maybe concentrating on not finishing too soon. Have you asked him why he doesn't look at you?

ImperialBlether · 01/06/2015 13:39

I'd give it up and thank my lucky stars I wasn't in a marriage with children.

I don't believe in asking why they do things - "Why won't you look at me during sex?" "Why does sex always have to be on your terms?"

I believe in watching what someone does and if I don't like it, recognising they're not the one for me and ending it.

CarbeDiem · 01/06/2015 13:44

Yes, it's awful to be made to feel that way and it erodes your own feelings eventually.
I recently ended a LTR for similar reasons.
I tried, he ignored so it had to end.

flora717 · 01/06/2015 14:01

I'd also conclude that he didn't recognise my sexual needs/ wants and was only prepared to "relieve" himself (perhaps not comfortable with his own sexual desires, let alone someone elses).
Have you tried to talk about sex?

Inexperiencedchick · 01/06/2015 14:31

I was into someone at the beginning and my eyes were full of spark...

When I tried to initiate and was all over him he took his glance to the other side and didn't give me any eye contact. Plus his silly comments completely pushed me away...

I felt rejected and my desire slowly started to fade...

After few months he tried to initiate things not even realising that his words and actions killed everything inside of me.

On the top of that he wasn't sensitive and completely detached...

The last thing I remember I didn't even want to hug him. Everything was down to his attitude and careless behaviour.

It's sad when it happens that way...

Just hurt and pain left...

TokenGinger · 01/06/2015 14:47

I'm torn on this one. My DP doesn't make eye contact much during sex but his eyes are scanning all over my body. I tend to close my eyes during sex anyway and savour the moment, and he watches my every reaction and movement all over my body as seeing what he is doing to my body as a whole really does it for him. Sexual satisfaction is very much mental for him.

In terms of rejection though, I hear you. He tends to always initiate sex but that's because I have a fear of rejection from my previous relationship. However, I tried to initiate sex twice, two days in a row, a few weeks ago and he didn't respond on both occasions. I felt so hurt. But I spoke to him about it the day after. He'd been doing longer hours at work and had come him exhausted both nights and just did not have the energy. I said it's not the fact he doesn't want to have sex with me, it's having no communication about it. I'd never want him to have sex unwillingly but I said if he had explained at the time and said, "Babe, I'm so tired, I just want to fall asleep with you in my arms", I'd have given him a kiss and wished him sweet dreams and not felt hurt by it at the time.

Original poster

Justwondering321 · 01/06/2015 14:52

The thing is he keeps his eyes totally closed the entire time...I have wondered if he's thinking about someone else actually!! (And yes he was very into porn prior to us getting together) previous partners have looked at my body, ect during sex and I do wonder if he doesn't like my body. He does have insecurities, so maybe he's not comfortable with himself. I would find it extremely awkward to talk about this with him.

OP posts:

Bahh · 01/06/2015 14:57

"Life is too short for crap sex"

Yes, yes, yes.

TokenGinger · 01/06/2015 15:02

Justwondering - As an eye closer myself, for me, it's absolutely not about not liking DP's body. If anything, watching his body against me just sends my head crazy and makes me blow too quickly! I've requested that he stops wearing clothes in the house

For me, closing my eyes is because he provides me with total ecstasy. I've never been satisfied in sex the way I am with him and so I just savour every moment (when he's on top - it'd be difficult to close my eyes when on top, I'm not that balanced ) x

shovetheholly · 01/06/2015 15:02

Some men occasionally 'reject' women because they are tired or drunk or feel under pressure and for those reasons, they know that they can't perform. And they're too scared just to acknowledge or communicate that. This, combined with his focus during sex, suggests to me that he might actually be struggling with ED issues.

I think if he's willing to acknowledge it, work on it, and maybe see a doctor about it even, then that's a very different situation from one where he just keeps on pushing you away with no explanation.

Life is far too short for crap sex - but sometimes the greatest sex comes after both parties really learn to trust one another very deeply, which is a process and not something achieved in a moment. If he's a good guy in other ways, and this behaviour is really out of character, I would see if he's open to working on it.

shovetheholly · 01/06/2015 15:05

Some men occasionally 'reject' women because they are tired or drunk or feel under pressure and for those reasons, they know that they can't perform. And they're too scared just to acknowledge or communicate that. This, combined with his focus during sex, suggests to me that he might actually be struggling with ED issues.

I think if he's willing to acknowledge it, work on it, and maybe see a doctor about it even, then that's a very different situation from one where he just keeps on pushing you away with no explanation.

Life is far too short for crap sex - but sometimes the greatest sex comes after both parties really learn to trust one another very deeply, which is a process and not something achieved in a moment. If he's a good guy in other ways, and this behaviour is really out of character, I would see if he's open to working on it.

shovetheholly · 01/06/2015 15:06

Ooops, double post! Apologies!

TokenGinger · 01/06/2015 15:12

shovetheholly - Great post! I suppose that solidifies what I said about DP rejecting me when tired.

I agree with if he treats you good in other ways, it's not all about just sex.

My DP is the most affectionate man I have ever been with. He'll hold me every single night before bed, holding me tight to him just kissing my forehead or stroking my hair etc. That's intimacy on a whole other level there where I just feel truly adored.

shovetheholly · 01/06/2015 15:17

Then in that case this is massively out of character. I would put money on it being a sex anxiety issue. Very common amongst blokes, especially as they get older, though there are a fair few cases in younger men too! But they're often not good at seeking help or talking about it, so are left in these little hellish pools of isolated self-doubt and worry that they're in some way dysfunctional and in some way lacking. I would talk to him very lovingly and gently about this, to try to create as non-judgemental and trusting a space as possible between you. Sometimes, the problem will just go away if the person doesn't feel under so much pressure!

ImperialBlether · 01/06/2015 20:21

It's not massively out of character if he's been doing it for a year! Not meeting her eyes is really cruel, actually, as is ignoring her completely when she wants sex and only wanting sex when he instigates it.

What makes you think he's under pressure just because she wants him to look at her?