so upset.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

last night my dh told me if I don't take responsibility for my role as a housewife, and accept life how it is then we are finished.
I find life really hard. I have a chronic illness, he doesn't support me as he should, and tonight has made me realise do I actually want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't support me emotionally. I am scared of going alone but I can't be with someone who won't even support me by not getting a cleaner because he thinks I can be 'lazy'.how the argument started. He has been with me for 16 years so should know how my illness affects me.
As I said the other day, I think he has had his head turned. He is not the man I used to know anymore and this is a way 'out'.
any advice shall I suggest a trial separation. Or just accept we have both changed, I do hate being at home, I hate relying on him, and his money and I think he sees it all as an insult, but he is pursuing his dream, his career, where what have I got I even had to give up my volunteering for a bloody treatment because it suppresses my immune system and I have only been doing that a year. And what if the treatment doesn't work as nothing else bloody has. I am waiting for information on counselling but I think it's too late. I am crying writing this.

whether he is having an affair or not he is still an arse who you need to get rid of. Go the the Entitledto website and it will tell you what you could claim, plus maintenance from him. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Nice/nasty - cycle of abuse. Is textbook.

You have so many more rights than you think... he could well know that you do and is hoping to bully you into leaving and forgoing them.

Get your legal advice do not leave your dd behind. He is being truly abusive to you.

And I have to say OP you sound very together, mature, calm and in control. You are worthy of so much more than this excuse of a man.

And I would speak to Women' Aid, tell them and your counsellor that your H is abusing you. Get it on record - you could get legal aid for the divorce then. Invaluable.

yes, my friend said that for a while she thinks he has had depression and I can only change my situation now because he won't help himself and takes it out on me. I know I am not perfect but his behaviour has pushed me to the limit now.
I expect my GP has put it on record as I have mentioned it to them, but there is only so much they can do unless they think he is physically abusing me. which he isn't. Although emotional abuse is just as bad and making me feel stressed and burnt out.
Thanks Twistleonthemythe
he is lucky I have lasted this long.I try my best to take control of what I can. Even though I am young, I have a lot of older friends this helps me stay calm and hopefully wise enough to make wise decisions ;-D

I want to punch this fucking pig in the face for you OP. You are worth so much more

thank you :)

I want to join in the punching party. This guy is really a grade A cunt.

OP in terms of working, are you able to use a mouse and keyboard? I'm thinking call centre work might suit as it's not physically taxing at all (provided the RA doesn't affect your hands) and you can often get part time evening shifts, which might help you with childcare options.

Note this is for AFTER you leave, and in the spirit that it might help your confidence and mental health if you were able to work again. NOT because you should be getting a job or doing all the housework for your H's benefit. That fucker can swing.

Do you get or have you xo soldered applying for pip?

OP - stress makes RA much, much worse.
You may well find your condition improves when you get away from this awful man and the stressful environment he creates around you.

And I am so glad you have good friends - they will be worth their weight in gold to you in the future.

yes, lots of people have said to me my mental health will improve.
I feel anxious a lot because I don't know if he is going to throw a stop when I ask can he do the dishwasher. he was spoilt by his mother and expects me to spoil him and be a housekeeper sorry doesn't work with me. I want to work as a team but he wants it all his way.

I know sometimes I might get stroppy but i feel I cannot get on with other things when I am stuck doing that or laundry all the time.
I will go to my apt tomorrow and then phone up the solicitors either in the afternoon or later in the week. I think what's happened is he doesn't like I have gone from a sweet quiet woman, to a woman who stands up for myself.And knows what she wants.
and now I want a peaceful life.

CAB is totally confidential, it's one of their key tenets. Not that it would hurt him to see you getting advice....

OP emotional abuse is taken as seriously as domestic violence. I'm really pleased that your getting advice and extra counselling. Get all the advice you can so you can make informed choices for your future.

What an arse. This constant stress can't help you any when you're already managing chronic illness, mental wellbeing becomes so important to coping. Bravo seeking the advice and info.

I spoke to the solicitor and they weren't helpful despite us having our wills with them. I will have to get one of my friends to help me. I text him today saying if he wants to act like an arse he can but he is not depriving me of a cleaner DLA is not a second income. He responded saying that he will think about what to spend 'his' money on then. I said whatever, just think about how this is affecting mentally. It's not my insecurities as you say its your immaturity towards me and money. He really feels he has an entitlement over me. I am sick of it. I know it's not what others go through and other men are worse controlling but this has gone on for two years and I have no more energy to fight.
Unfortunatley in this town. Me going in will not be confidential with all the floozies and gossips he works with.

see a different solicitor is my advice.

And don't communicate with him about this stuff - he is not your friend. He should not be party to your decisions any more. He won't change.

Definitely talk to another solicitor. If he has done work for both of you he may not want to lose your OH as a client.

I went to counselling session. the counselling without me even saying said it would be better for him to come to the sessions with me. I spoke to him at lunch time and I said if he wants the relationship to work, then he will come for one session. He has refused. And again said it's all my problem.
I have made my final decision. He is better of a loner.

Wow, I've been lurking but have to say how impressed I am with you, OP. Just be prepared for him to crank up his nastiness now he can see you're no longer prepared to be the Stepfordesque doormat he thinks he's entitled to.

Stay strong!

In abuse cases joint counselling is never recommended anyway.

Good for you making the decision.

thanks @tallwivglasses. I wanted to be an honourable wife. But now I have decided when I am not being honoured, things have to change, and now lets say, I am going to be giving some tough love, because 'nice' and 'patient' love, doesn't seem to be working.
He is not willing to meet me half way, and I have been through to much in this life, to be with someone who doesn't deserve me. I felt for a long time I didn't deserve him until he started this shit.
She did raise the case that if it is she feels there is any abuse she will be raising it with her colleagues. So from what I said already during assessment she has picked up it's not a healthy relationship.

Oh really I totally agree with your perception of this dreadful relationship. No matter what it was, these days it is certainly unhealthy, abusive and exploitative. You'll be so much better in every way without him.

Please try a different solicitor and make a plan of action. Might he leave or will you have to do that? You're very strong, that comes over clearly in your posts. I'm glad you have made this decision.