heart ruling head

[dinoswore]

Brief history:

Been with H for over 20 years. Late teens when we met. We now have 2 small DC.

Last year we separated due to his alcoholism and lack of job. But I have not been able to completely split up with him. We keep trying to end things properly and keep getting back together (although we have lived apart since separation) because we have a long history together, some happy memories, have always relied on each other and been loyal to each other, and because we have a strong physical connection great sex life which hasn't been diminished by the separation.

Without him I am lonely and unhappy. But although he says he wants us to be together properly again, he has not sorted out his drinking or employment issues. And these are utter deal breakers for me. We had a lovely holiday together recently and for a few days I forgot our problems - even forgot we were separated - and it felt wonderful. Then we came home and of course, none of the problems have gone away. And he is doing nothing about it. And I feel like shit again.

I feel so stupid for still allowing this situation to continue. I should have moved on months ago but yet I'm still dragging this relationship around with me because I am letting my heart rule. My head knows that this man is no good for me any more - a liability. But my heart just keeps on going back to him.

Without him, my life is colder, lonelier and more difficult, but my future is probably brighter.

How do I break free?

Who paid for the holiday? Where is he living now? If he doesn't have a job how does he pay rent and other outgoings and find cash for booze?

You keep 'drifting back' to him because your marriage has become an old pair of shoes, comfortable to slip into and slop around in, but eventually they have to be binned because they're falling off your feet and can't be repaired any more.

It's never easy to break a long-standing habit, but instead of thinking about that bright future you'll need to start living it. Try to ensure that the time you've been accustomed to spending with him is spent with friends or engaging in a variety of activities you enjoy doing and if you're tempted to call him, simply tell yourself that you can do that tomorrow - and keep telling yourself everyday for as long as it takes.

It may also help to formalise your separation by divorcing. As you appear to be on reasonably good terms, I would suggest you opt for divorce by consent after 2 years' separation which might give you further reason to make sure that there are no more 'reunions' which could extend the time before you are legally free.

< rolls eyes>

O well... that's told us OP... it's off to AA and the Job Centre for him and a trip to Relate for both of you. Sorted.

I have hammered it out with him many times, Muslim786. He has made countless promises about dealing with his issues but he has not yet followed through on these. I don't know how many more times I can advise him and still be dealing with the same problems for years on end because he hasn't done anything about it. It took years of alcohol abuse before I left him.

I paid for the holiday. He gets some agency work but also has regular periods of no work, so is constantly playing catch up with bills he can't pay during those times. He never has any money. He doesn't pay any maintenance.

Hahahahahahahahaha.... Taking advice like that of Muslim786?

Ridiculous! About as ridiculous a concept as ever there was!

You can't make compromises with someone addicted to alcohol, only ultimatums that you will see through. His sobriety is his responsibility. Stop engaging with him until he sorts himself out. He needs a wake up call

Bloody hell, Muslim

that's brilliant. ...I bet op never thought to try talking to her husband !

I think the trouble is you say his actions are dealbreakers but you continue to have a relationship with him. So he hasn't really lost much has he. You could waste another 20 years with this half relationship while he merrily carries on drinking and not working with you on the sidelines paying for holidays and his children. Bit cushy for him non?

I think to preserve your own sanity you need to not see him at all. And maintanence should be formalised don't you think?

Twistle, I've often thought how much easier it would be to end this if I didn't have to see him. But I have an open door policy on access and he comes over most evenings to do bedtime with the DC at my house, because he isn't really set up to have them overnight (hasn't done so yet) and I truly believe that frequent access is what's best for the DC.

So he is often here. And it's very hard to get over him.

So his behaviour constitutes at least two "utter dealbreakers" ?

Do you and I have different definitions of "deal breaker" ?

You and he certainly do. He carries on behaving the same way and you carry on bailing him out and taking him on holidays. Madness.

your "open door policy" is sabotaging yourself

you don't want to end things...or you would have done it by now

stop fooling yourself...are you really just looking for one person to tell you that you are doing the right thing ?

I think you are doing your children no favours at all. They are growing up being shown the example that men are feckless losers and women pick up messes after them and reward with with family holidays.

hmm - access should be regular and away from your home first of all. Open door needs to stop now. And saying something is a dealbreaker and then just carrying on as before is never going to change anything. He just has his mum doing his laundry as opposed to you. He really is taking you for a mug.

Why would he change anything - he hasn't had to and life is just carrying on to his tune isn't it. Time to find your self respect.

Yep I agree, the "open door policy" for access is the problem here.

Why on earth would he sort himself out and make arrangements so the kids can stay at his place when he can just rock up to your house whenever he wants, see his kids and get some sex from you while he's at it? Nice little arrangement you have there. He has all the perks with none of the responsibility.

If you're serious about ending things with him, you need to stop the visits. He can take the kids out if he wants to see them. e.g. one evening during the week and one day at the weekend (or whatever suits you all).
During that time you need to meet up with friends or do something you enjoy. Start taking care of yourself and your social life, so that you can start to see how much better life is without him.

Do you want your kids to grow up with your relationship as an example of how it works?

You're right anyfucker, I don't want to end things. My heart wants him. My head knows it's no good.

No I don't want anyone to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I want help to break free once and for all. I can see that this is a fucked up situation.

Thanks for the ideas AnotherEmma. He does already have them at his house one weekend day and one weekend evening, while I work. Which is great, except it doesn't leave me any socialising time. That is something I know I would benefit from. I need a life of my own.

Your ex won't change until he has to.

the open door in some way is rewarding him for failure. Addicts/Liars/Cheats (all addicts have to lie to maintain their habit) need to see what their decisions to prioritise booze/other women/the truth over their family actually costs THEM.

Your H has a relationship with alcohol that you can't break. You have to leave him to fix this himself. on his own. He has to know what loss is to consider what he is doing to his life.

You need to stop the open door, carve out some YOU time and stick to it.

Once this is formalised, you need to arrange to have the children cared for so that you can have a life. If this means paying for sitters, that is what you do. He is too involved in your life, and is holding you back from liveing a life that is positive and healthy for your children to learn from. At the moment the only person who is benefitting is your ExH.

Is this man still actively drinking? will he abstain while he has them? is he safe to have them/drive etc? be honest with yourself here.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Some needs of yours are still being met here.

Co-dependent behaviours often feature in relationships where alcoholism features and you are likely to be co-dependent. I would read up on co-dependency and see how much of that fits in with your own current behaviour with regards to this man.

Yes you have many years of shared history but you forget the damage here has already been done. You seem also to be falling for the "sunken costs" fallacy; that simply causes you to also keep on making poor relationship decisions.

You're basically keeping this show on the road, he is doing nothing here at all apart from bask in the fruits of your many labours.

He won't stop while he's still not hit rock bottom. Right now he's still able to see you, still able to go on nice holidays etc. there's no real incentive for him, is there?

And meanwhile, you stay in limbo, unable to really move on. Not good.

Awful as it will be, I think he needs to see what he truly stands to lose. His reaction to that will then dictate your options. If he does hit rock bottom and tries to change, maybe after a year or so you can think about trying to salvage things. If he doesn't turn things around drastically, then you're unfortunately on a hiding to nothing.

So sorry op. Alcoholism is such a difficult and corrosive thing to deal with.

he won't stop while you enable him

it really is as simple as that (on paper of course)

OP, I think you have to be cold and ruthless now.

You have been enabling him for 20 years and he has run roughshod over your boundaries.

Your DC must be so confused.

Start drawing lines with him. 1. No contact at your place, he has to take them to his (or out somewhere.) 2. No more family outings or holidays. 3. Contact should be only concerned around arrangements for the DCs or your impending divorce. No chit chat. 4. NO MORE SEX! This is probably the biggest thing holding you back - everytime you have an orgasm with him, the old oxytocin gets topped up, giving you more bonding feelings with him. That has to stop. Buy a rabbit and some rechargeables and a subscription to an ethical porn site or some erotic fiction or whatever floats your boat, but you have to stop banging him.

When you start implementing the above, you are going to feel like the world's biggest bitch. Hold firm. You have to draw a distinction between "How I behaved towards my H while married" and "how I behave to my STBXH."

Good luck

what PS said

ironically, if you really want him (not sure why, but there we go), then this is the only way you are going to get him (and he be worth jackshit to you and your kids)

get tough now, love

your MO so far has been a big, big mistake