Don't know if I want sex ever again

[confuseddazed]

I do like sex, a lot. When we first met, sex was wonderful, really the best I'd ever had, and was until I became pregnant with second DC.

Then DH had trouble 'coming' at times, which I took as a personal rejection. I also had moods about the time he'd come to bed, and other things. I should mention that I was off meds for bipolar at the time.

DC2 died just before birth, and I became high shortly after. I wanted sex more, and DH was just turned off. It seemed insurmountable, but, with great shock, we did come through it.

I found some things about DH's past sex life (with his ex wife), and became obsessed with it. When he didn't want sex, or did but couldn't come, I found myself dwelling more, and feeling more rejected.

So I stopped sleeping in the bed. I can't articulate why, as I don't know. I have loads of excuses; he snores, he has to get up early and will disturb me, that I'm 'on' and may stain the bed, etc.

The truth is far more complicated I think. The bed was somewhere where I felt DC2 a lot. She 'existed' there.

Then there is the sex. I now know that I avoid going to bed for fear of sex - or maybe - fear that we won't have sex. I'm scared that our sex life won't improve, will still be infrequent, and he will struggle to 'come'. It is so much easier to avoid the feelings of rejection, and sleep on the floor (yep, on the floor, on a manky old duvet).

We get on so well now, and I know sex will increase my emotions, and I may not be able to control them.

We do cuddle, so that's good, but it's not sustainable is it?

I think you need to talk all this through. Perhaps with a good therapist before you talk to your dh?

Sounds like you need to grieve and share with him about the bed being full of the memories of your DC2.

You've been through an awful lot, give each other the chance to work through these issues together?

You need to talk this through with someone who has a sound knowledge and understanding of your mental health situation. Please get onto that this week.

I am very sorry for your loss. Of course the bed is closely connected with your thoughts and hopes for, and memories of, your child.

Sexual appetite is affected by bipolar. And by bereavement generally, and loss of a child, and feeling rejected.

That's all I know. You need help but I can't help you, though I wish you well and hope you can find what you need. Please go to your psych team or another experienced source.

Sorry you are in a bad place
You should try to see someone about your confidence/ feelings of rejection - it will be difficult for you and your partner to face sexual issues if you take performance personally. You also need to confront why his past with the ex is so important to you. That's his past, it got him to here - that relationship is done with.
Your partner has also suffered the loss, working together to understand each other's grief will bring you together emotionally, perhaps help you to be honest and confront how you are feeling, rather than using excuses to avoid being open.
It sounds as though you're both struggling with things. I hope you can move forward.