Workaholic husband

[Bigmerlin]

Well, it's bank holiday Monday, and yet again I'm at home while my husband is at work, (unpaid). He gets paid for a 35hr week, but does 9am to c8pm Mon - Fri, plus weekends, bank holidays, Easter, you name it, it seems he just has to go into work. I use to blame work / his boss, but recently I've come to realise that it's him. I'm 7 months pregnant, and he swears he will change when the baby comes. I don't know whether to believe this. He has tried to be better in the past, but it has lasted a month, tops, then he slips back. In the meantime, I'm working full time and doing all the housework. Plus he stands me up all the time, promised lifts home (even in the dark)and days out together very rarely materialise because he 'gets caught up' at work. What's worse, my brother has just had a baby, and because he lives near my family, they ended up all at the hospital practically having a party...and I wasn't there, nor have I been yet, as I couldn't face the long drive back by myself, (5 hr round trip) and my husband says he's too busy to come with me. Yet he can suddenly find 2 days off to spend with his family.It has suddenly struck me how isolated I will be if he doesn't change. I know I sound like a clingy saddo waiting at home for my husband to come home, believe me, I do have a great circle of friends and several hobbies that get me out of the house. But I love my husband, fancy him rotten and he is my best friend, so I yearn to spend more time with HIM.

Anyone else been in this situation, and what did you do about it?

I have one, too, Bigmerlin! Tries to sneak off constantly to do work from home on his laptop, has really wound me up this weekend, although admittedly he was using it as an escape from our joint frustration at recent house-buying hassles. He cycles to/from work 17 miles each way (fine, I don't begrudge him that) but it takes 2+ hours/day, then he stays up until 11pm+ each night working, up again around 6:30 am so as to cycle and be into work well before 9am. Then he's tired and groggy and cranky (gee, I wonder why??).

There's more history than that... In 2000 DH tried to start a business with a mate and it never made a profit... STill, DH took redundancy from his paying job in Dec. 2002 and was trying to make this company happen all last year. He worked hard at it most last year and didn't make a penny. So I'm totally lost patience for him working from home with no obvious, tangible benefit to the family. Now he has a real paying job that pays reasonable and that he loves (which is fantastic, I'm glad he loves his job), but buries himself in it; he's no good at moderation where work is concerned.

At the moment I am well cranky about the working from home and am thinking of banning it... that's the closest I can come to a solution, soon. I may have to gear up to having a heart-to-heart talk about just why is he avoiding us, because that's how it feels, from the rest of the family perspective.

Good luck...!

sympathy here too.

Though mine isn't exactly a workaholic (he hates it as much as I do), we run our own company and for the past 3 months while I've been on mat leave, he's been snowed under.

I put up with it because he/we are taking steps to make things better (in our case, taking on an employee - that wouldn't work for you obviously).
Have you discussed why he has to work so much? Does his boss know how much he works? Is he scared of redundancy or something?

Otherwise, don't have any tips I'm afraid. It's horrible isn't it?

Have just discussed with DH and we have agreed that he is a workaholic - a disease which has been masked by working away from home from Mon to Fri for the last 18mths. BUT we have taken a very big decision to change our circumstances entirely to head-off any nasty consequences and he is changing job and career and we are moving back to Oz. BUT we probably will still need to keep a close eye on it. The trouble is that we used to be workaholics together but of course everything changes once you have a child and now I feel that we owe it to ourselves and to DS to have some proper worklife balance.

Sometimes when DH is working from home and I think it has gone on long enough I just pass our loving smiling DS to him and walk away - that seems to do the trick.

My 1st H was a workaholic made worse by the fact that he had his own business. A counsellor I spoke to about it before I left him (easy as no kids) told me that I was rightly having the same emotional reaction to it as I would have if he had been having an affair - a nasty triangle that could never be reconciled. He wouldn't go to counselling, he wouldn't meet my ultimatums - it was over.

Anyway Bigmerlin, I think you need an action plan and some rather serious communication. This time, before baby comes, is so precious to you both and the first year of your first babies life is the hardest in any marriage (so I read somewhere). I think it is great that you have identified the problem now rather than after baby comes when sleep deprivation and stress can have a detrimental affect on your ability to communicate so cleary and rationally.

Good Luck!

Huge sympathy - DH is a self-employed gardener, and when the clocks change I never see him - he's working dawn until after dark. I'm not joking - he has a headband thing with a lamp on it like a miner and works on into the evening using it...

When Dd was born he was also working for the local takeaway delivering curries until 11 pm. I have vivid memories of trying to comfort her and eat a meal and wondering when I would get a bath etc etc.

I have tried to pursuade him otherwise and finally he has 'stopped' working Sundays and Mondays - except for his regulars, and emergencies.

As they say, no-one wants 'I wish I spent more time in the office' on their headstone!

Yup, I spent bank holiday alone with our two sons. However DH did come home at 6.30 to bath and read to DS1. You need to have a big show down now, before the baby comes. It just gets worse otherwise.
If that doesn't work, get a cleaner and a babysitter (if you can) so that you can have a life outside the baby, otherwise the isolation can be pretty appalling when you are no longer at work, especially if you live a long way from family.
Good luck!

Hi Bigmerlin,
I can sympathise with your situation. We have a 5 month old daughter and I am not working. Although I wouldnt say my husband is a complete workaholic, he does work late and also enjoys after-work drinks in the pub on a regular basis. This doesnt bother me that much but what does is that he has a habit of not phoning to say he will be late, rather he phones me on his way home (which is usually well after 8pm). So I am left guessing whether he will be in for dinner or if its another meal for one in front of the telly! We have had several discussions about this and he admits he is at fault and that it is unfair on me but at the same time he also feels that I would get more annoyed if he phoned to say he is going to the pub (admit I do get annoyed if he has been out more nights than he has been in)! He usually does right by me for a few weeks but he ends up slipping back into his old ways.

I would suggest you be totally up front and honest with him about your feelings.... Although I admit its hard to not sound like you are constantly nagging. I am still working on my hubby (its proving to be an on-going thing)! He is aware that his unreasonable behaviour contributes to my bad moods!

Bigmerlin, I have nothing but sympathy for you and I can't offer any constructive advice because I have failed miserably so myself. I've been married 12 years and am also 7 mo pg with our first. DH works all the time. I suppose he gets paid for it because he's on a salary. He says everyone at his office does it, but I know he's the worst of all. Sometimes he works all night, then the next day too. He is good about phoning, and I know he really is at work when he says so, so that's not what's going on. My hunch is that his work is not entirely productive. How could it be when you work so many hours and go without sleep? I have had many talks with him, made demands, tried to be supportive and understanding, etc. I have tried every way I could think of to deal with it. Trouble is, anything I do seems to add to his burden. He says he's just trying to keep his neck above the water and I start feeling like I'm just one more responsibility tugging at him. He swears he doesn't do this to avoid life with me but there is a nagging doubt in my mind.