Anyone ever get the fear and then you lived happily ever after with someone?

[Sundayfunday]

Having recently become single, at 30, I am filled with a complete worry and sadness.

I have been single in the past and met someone else after feeling broken hearted, but this time it's different because friends are getting married and having babies. I am the only one single in my group of friends and that too makes me feel more alone. I am very much the type of person who enjoys a quiet sort of life (though that's not to say I don't enjoy a good time!!)... But what I mean is, the marriage the family and the kids are exactly what I want from life.

I feel so down that this hasn't happened for me yet. I also ended things with a man who I thought I would marry, only to be faced with the fact that I knew if I married him I would not have the basis for a happy future - he was immature and lied to me - had I stayed I would have been single even older I expect.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here other than to ask has anyone ever found that deep loneliness - where even being with family makes you feel only slightly less alone, because ultimately you are still just single.

Please don't tell me to entrance being single - I know I need to do that - but in all honesty, if I am married with a family I will always always know that was what I wanted because it is. I'm not the sort of person made for a life alone and I feel defeated this time, and as if I have missed the boat.

Also recently moved to a small town (from a very large city) and now I am newly single I'm thinking that I have made the chances of meeting someone even lower.

Feel lonely and sad and a little bit scared. Anyone have this and come through it? I can't even imagine where I would meet someone these days, and I didn't have that attitude last time I was in this situation.

Why give up? You're only 30 so there is time left yet! Get online and do something about it!

No one ever met their future significant other by sitting alone in their house or whatever - if you don't want to be alone, you need to be brave and put yourself out there, whether that be online dating (not for everyone), or doing something new like joining a club that interests you. Get yourself out and into the world more ie society, thereby giving yourself more opportunities to meet someone. You can do it! Be brave! Don't give up hope, it can still happen for you (my friend joined a dating website for a year but realised it just wasn't for her so joined a local amdram group and made friends with a nice lady whose brother ultimately asked her to marry him - she did :) You never know where life will take you, but if you want something sometimes you have to go out there simply to give yourself more opportunity, if that makes sense xx

Even joining the local gym can help you to meet people - see what events etc are on locally x

Thanks. I guess I'm worried I shot myself in the foot by moving from such a big place to a small town. I have a big commute to work and then at the weekends my friends are all with their other halves and I am in such a quiet place that not much goes on. I feel so scared that this is just it for me now.

It ain't over yet, as they say!

If you're worried about being isolated then why not move back to the city or town? Or perhaps there are some clubs or societies in your town that you don't know about? Make plans for yourself, and get out there and start socialising!

Small towns are actually quite a good place to meet people. Get yourself out and investigate local groups, there's often more going on than it might appear at first and things like am dram groups are a great intro to a whole circle of new friends of all ages. Those sort of groups are usually crying out for backstage helpers too so you don't even have to be a wannabe actor. You are still very young so don't give up on your dream of a family life yet. x

I know someone who did actually meet someone sitting at home. Like you she felt on the shelf.

He was a builder who came to give the estimate of some work.

They are very much in love and planning their future together. So it can even happen in your own home!!

OP, I have been where you are. After finding myself single again at 28, I panicked and flung myself into an unsatisfying and toxic on off 'relationship' that went on for about three years. So you were right to end things with your ex when you did.

I met my DH at our voluntary job. We got together when I was 32, and are now married and expecting our first. So please don't despair or give up hope! You have plenty of time. I was convinced it wouldn't happen for me.

Get what you're saying about not wanting to hear the usual platitudes about embracing singledom - it can be annoying! But take it from someone who has been there, you need to be in the right place mentally to meet someone - and that does mean being happy with yourself.

I'd recommend online dating too, good way of getting back into the dating scene.

Good luck x

I think small towns are great for having communities you can throw yourself into.

And you've done the right thing by not staying with the wrong person. I have a good friend who's desperate for kids but in a relationship with a total idiot (very abusive/crack cocaine user) and I hate seeing the chance for a family slip through her fingers while she hopes he will change.

Have another friend who's been in two relationships which she thought were 'the one' and she was devastated when the second split and the rest of us were getting married and having kids. She did get quite depressed but a couple of years later (aged 33?) she met her current boyfriend and they have a really lovely relationship.

She's the one we all envy while we are ground down by day to day drudgery of being in a long-term relationship - I did tell her this would happen several years ago!

Yes, I divorced at 28, with no DC. I then made some terrible choices with men -shortlived flings- and found myself single, and sometimes despairing wondering whether I'd ever meet anyone decent and have a family at 32. And then, I met my second husband. It has been a very healthy happy relationship and 7 years on we've moved a few times till we found jobs in the same area which we are both content to stay in, we have a lovely home, and two children. I could not imagine this happening 7/8 years ago.

I think what helped was that I really did embrace single life, and didn't just pay lipservice to that idea. It helped that I had friends and family with young DC around me and I could see that there was lots I could do that they couldnt. I went to the gym regularly, even just to have a sauna, spent time getting my home as I liked it, doing lots of DIY, got my finances in good order. At weekends (when most people are spending family time together, ferrying kids to bday parties etc) I took trips to nearby cities to visit museums, shop etc. I had a Sunday routine of gym, sauna, watch a matinee at the cinema. I even did lone holidays. And on top of this I took a very open minded approach to dating. I decided it was a numbers game. If I just dated and dated and dated at some stage I'd meet someone who was right for me. Joined dating websites, regularly accepted dates. And remained open minded outside of the actual dating sphere. In the end I accepted a lunch date with my now husband after we chatted on a non-dating internet forum.

My single life was pretty good and I think that made a difference to my attitude to dating. Less desperate, less willing to get into anything that wouldn't actually enhance my life! As it was, my DH was in the same place when we met and being very honest with each other from the start made things move really quickly (we talked about marriage and kids within weeks of meeting).

I totally understand your fears. But don't just sit there doing nothing with the fear. Concentrate on maximising the quality of your life now and have a sideline in actively dating. Start by doing something just for you e.g. Join a bookgroup or night class, if you can't find something you like, start something (it's really easy through facebook).