How do I know if it's me or not?

[Bumpkin2]

This is probably just going to be completely garbled but I'm tired, emotional and confused!

How do you know if you really are useless or if it's just the way someone makes you feel? I constantly feel like I'm a terrible mum, awful around with work around the house because of how I'm made to feel. My self esteem is at rock bottom with everything but I don't know if I genuinely am just useless at everything or if he's being controlling and a bit of a nob. I tend to go between the 2 depending on how I feel.

We've got a 2 year old and however I dress her is wrong, I filled her milk up for bed the other day and he had to come and put more in (which then overflowed because it was too full but it felt like he had to do it just to correct me again), if I'm changing her nappy or getting her ready for bed he comes and takes over, when he comes in from work if the windows are closed he makes a big deal of opening them or vice versa, however I cut her meat or anything with dinner he has to do it again. It's loads of petty stuff like that but I no longer feel confident to make any decisions myself as it feels that everything I do is wrong.

I'm unhappy but feel like if it is me that's just being rubbish then I should be trying to change before making any decisions.

I have asked him to stop doing certain things before as I said that him doing it made me feel useless. He said that that wasn't his problem, if that's how I feel then that's my fault for feeling like that, not his for saying or doing whatever.

I'm just so confused, he says I'm a great mum,I hear him tell my daughter that I'm the best mum in the world but just feel the opposite. I'm not sure if I'm completely imagining it now!

This is probably too garbled for anyone to understand to reply to anyway, maybe I just needed to get some of how I'm feeling off my chest.

Its not you, its him.

Emotionally abusive men like the one you are with usually up the power and control ante once their woman (who they see as a possession) is pregnant and gives birth. Such men too hate women, all of them.

He has and will always change the goalposts around you so that you will "fail" in his eyes. He will use this so called failure on your part to further confuse and undermine your very being, its a time honoured tactic used by abusive men. He uses your innate niceness, your health condition and caring against you, he plays on it and plays you really like a violin.

And stop feeling guilty as well, he has felt no ounce of guilt or remorse for what he has done to you. He feels like he has done nothing wrong here and you are a possession in his eyes to use as he feels fit.

Also look at his family background, what do you know about that?. Chances are he grew up seeing similar types of abuse as a child and has basically copied one or both parents here.

Children love parents anyway no matter how abusive they are and he is being abusive to you as her mum. What messages does that send her about how women are treated in relationships, that it is ok for men to do this?. If you do not act this also will become her "norm" and she will learn to people please and walk on eggshells around him just as you do. She will not thank you for putting him before her either.

Oh my exh was a Mr Right. And when I stood up to him he hated it and got very angry. He made out I was hopeless at everything yet I hold down a good job (which he could never do btw.)

So I know exactly what you mean op. And you will never change him. He will always be better than you at everything, even when he's not and he will never admit when he is wrong or made a mistake (your overflowing milk bottle is a prime example.) If you leave, it will always be your fault and he will punish you for it. My exh refuses to see the dc when he is angry with me.

This also reminds me of a friend of mine who never seemed to do a thing when around her young dc. Her dp did everything, playing, changing nappies, cooking, cleaning. We thought she was lazy or had trouble bonding with her dc or was undomesticated. She confided in me once that he was so controlling he had to take over everything. If she started cooking the evening meal, he would come in the kitchen and take over until she just gave up and sat down.

So it's arrogance, anger and control. Not nice to live with.

Abuse takes many forms. One is psychological abuse.
It starts by the partner criticising things they do. Starts off every now and then and builds up. Starts off as small things. Usually about how they care for someone or how they look after their house. It builds up and becomes more and more. The person being psychologically abused becomes brain washed into feeling useless and feels dependant on their partner because they are useless.
It's a control thing.
Think about his criticisms. Does it matter that your D is wearing that outfit. Does it matter how full the bottle is. Does it matter how you cut her food up.
No it doesn't. ! So why is he criticising you.
No one does anything perfectly - we are not robots. But I bet what you do is just fine.
Please be strong and step back and think about your happiness and mental wellbeing. ??

I agree with everything said already OP - it's not you, it really isn't. I won't waste your time saying it all again. What I will say is that your dd will love her dad but I'm time it will be less love and more to do with traumatic bonding.

I stuck out my abusive marriage for sixteen years - I left when my eldest was nearly fifteen and the youngest was fourteen months. My eldest also copped a lot of abuse from him (they all did but she suffered most). In the following two and a half years she has gone from hating him and not seeing him at all to displaying very similar behaviour and most recently, in March, she moved in with him. I have done everything I can for her, sought out the very best in specialist help but for now, the traumatic bond that is between them is too strong. I'll never stop hoping that it changes but I am powerless to change it now. I have far greater hopes for my other three dcs, especially the youngest who has no memory of us being together.

My point is this - my dcs have a much better relationship with their dad now. They have court ordered time with him and enjoy it very much. He knows that I would have no hesitation whatsoever in involving social services should his good dad act slip - indeed I have done so twice before. But they are with me for 90% of the time, growing up in a healthy environment with excellent role models, both male and female.

Do not doubt the damage that emotional abuse can cause and do not doubt that a child witnessing their mother being abused by their father is suffering abuse themselves - even if the child is never directly abused by the father themselves.

I wish you the very best, I really do. There's a whole new world out there full of people who won't make you feel small and stupid. I know this for a fact. And it's bloody marvellous xx

It's not you.

He's steam rollering you. The fact that he's doing it in all these small ways just proves to me how controlling it is - if he felt like you were doing something important "wrong" then I'd think ok, it matters to him that it's done a certain way (even then he should be sensitive about it). However, who cares how you've dressed your child or whether the windows are open, or how much milk is in the cup?

He sounds like a huge boor and the fact that he regards your non existent self esteem as not his problem IS a massive problem.

He sounds awful and you sound completely in his shadow.

What do you want from your marriage?

Thanks everyone, still reading just not getting much chance to reply.

The outfit thing isn't all the time, we just disagree on when it's too warm for her to be wearing certain things so if it's getting warm he'll take her top off even if I don't think it's all that warm. The food is because he says it's dangerous the way i do it, it's too big and she can't cope with it. Funny how she copes perfectly well when he's not around and I'm doing it myself!

The milk issue goes against everything though, yes he had to correct me and I ended up just walking out of the room, he said it had spilt and said to our daughter that that is why they should both listen to me and not him as I'm always right??!!!

Cantcook, that really struck a chord add I find myself doing that to

Hit send instead of delete! ...As i find myself doing that too, not the cooking though. He takes over everything so I end up leaving him to it.

If anyone has asked a question that I've not answered I've probably just missed it, not ignoring it! This site doesn't appear to work too well on my phone so typing is a complete pain

I'd have to move away as I'd move back to nearer family also i wouldn't be able to afford to live round here unfortunately.

This for me is the crucial bit:

When I got pregnant he'd get really annoyed at me for not eating properly or watching scary films as he believed it would affect the baby. I caught him on an Internet dating site when I was pregnant

So you are not allowed to watch scary films in case the way they make you feel (heart racing, stomach churning) affects the baby but he is prepared to commit an act of infidelity that, when you find out about it, gives you similar - but even worse, and longer lasting - physical symptoms, and that's OK?

He is a lying, selfish, abusive, manipulative, unfaithful, controlling waste of air.

Reading that made me feel upset, which is not unusual on the relationships board, but it also made me feel panicky too, which few posts do. It looks like he has got you trapped in a confusing and abusive situation. I hope you find a way out with the help and advice from the lovely posters here

The sleep thing is a big issue,but he gets up with her in the morning as he goes to sleep earlier than me and also likes to spend the time with her before work. It takes me a bit to come round in the morning so it's always made sense. He then has a sleep later, although he'll still need that even if he hasn't had to get up early!

Balloon, I can't believe I've never actually thought about it like that! I keep wishing he'd do it again weirdly as then I'd have a definite excuse to leave, although i do realise that I don't actually need one

Precisely, you do not need to have a reason to leave, you do not need his permission. From what you've already written however, he has given you plenty of reasons to actually leave.

As one thing that nearly all abusive men/women have in common is to separate their partners from their social network, I do wonder about the move south too, OP.

I genuinely don't believe that that was the case with him, work was for an opportunity that he really couldn't turn down and he goes on at me all the time about going out with friends and really encourages it. He had no issue with me going back home and is genuinely happy when i go out with friends.

I know there's a lot of things I could be in denial about but I really don't think that that's happened here.

You dont need any more reason to leave. His behaviour is vile.

You could do it tomorrow. Just pack some stuff up, and get away with your daughter.

Virtually everyone I know who's left their partner wished the partner would meet somebody else and leave of their own accord. By your own admission you're at that stage. You're also dreaming of living on your own, and realise that you shouldn't have moved down south with him.

You sound pretty clear headed and quite realistic about your situation. If you want to leave I think you should do so sooner rather than later. He'll mess with your mind so badly that eventually you won't know where you begin or end. Men in EA relationships follow a script. He's following his to the letter. Tear it up, shove it up his a**e and leave him to it. Healthy, happy, in control mum = healthy, happy children. As to his happiness, his problem. Sorry to sound so harsh but it's made me remember things from a past relationship.