So long story short, I left an abusive relationship a few months ago. I have three young kids. I am staying with my mother at the moment and it's a nightmare. I had rented a place but there were some issues with the house which are taking forever to resolve so here I am back with my mother again.
The problem is that we seem to be stuck in a parent/child type of relationship. I actually don't want to be here. She keeps telling me I wouldn't be able to cope with the kids if I lived on my own. She ignores the fact that I did just fine for years, was more or less on my own with regard to the kids when I was married anyway.
There were some issues with the kids (normal things like whining and rowing). She rang some kind of family support worker and made an appointment for me to see them. When I said no it lead to a huge argument. The kind of argument we have every time I don't do something she wants me to. I tell her I don't see it as a problem, she tells my I am selfish, ungrateful, can I not see what I am doing, I am ruining my relationship with my kids, I will turn them against me, I will keep going until I have no one left etc etc. This happens every time we disagree on a big decision. Thing is it isn't her who should be making those decisions.
She constantly ignores my decisions re the kids. Has implemented a new routine. Decides how we will go about various things with the kids without asking for my input, maybe just mentions in passing what she is doing eg getting one of the kids off the soother at night, she decided she would say it was making her sick (dc has a food intolerance which is what actually makes her sick). Has told me off for giving them certain toys she had left away for an emergency, told me off for telling them off, told me off for not telling them off, told me off for giving too much attention to one child, told me off for neglecting same child. Sat me down in a very 'intervention' type of way to tell me firmly that DC2 (almost 3) is out of control, insisted that this whining is not normal, I need to see someone about it, we need to go to counselling together (DC2 and I).
The next thing is moving out. It is going to be such a huge, draining, endless row. I will be told I am selfish/ungrateful/will have no one left again. That I can't cope on my own. She told my sibling that it will be too difficult to "help" me when we live in a different house. Thing is I don't want her there all the time because she doesn't help she just takes over. And criticizes. She has said to me that I take support when I want it and when I don't I expect here to get lost. This is kind of true. Not that I want her to get lost I just want to be able to do some things myself, get on with my life and make my own decisions. She has always been welcome in my home (when I had one!) but to visit like a normal person and not take over my life. Sometimes I do need support but it is beginning to feel like it is not worth it because the number one thing that stresses me out and gets me down is her. I feel like I am being pushed out. Like I am not the mother just the older sister who helps out but doesn't have any say in the important stuff.
She has done so much for me and really helped me when I ended my relationship (it was messy), and she still helps me in so many ways and I know I am so blessed that she was there to help me through when I left my relationship but it has gone too far. I feel completely worn down by her and don't know if I can take another one of her verbal attacks where she says every horrible, hurtful thing she can think of.
Please help me to be strong and assertive and figure out a way to turn this relationship into a good one.
Sorry for the long post and sorry if I am rambling. There is another row brewing here tonight...