Boyfriend says he doesn't want kids, and now I can't think of anything else!

[doofles]

I'm 20 years old, away at university and have been with my boyfriend of the same age for three years. While I have been away at university he has been left at home, and is unhappy with where he is in life. He works in a bar but hates it, and some days he has flashes of motivation to get out of the bar and into a job with more prospects, but other days he just doesn't care and has no motivation to make something of himself at all.
When he is in a good mood we have so much fun together, and I love him dearly but recently he is often in a bad mood, and that does not make for nice conversations or much fun at all. But still for me the good outweighs the bad, and so I can deal with the times when he is unhappy. And I do want to be there for him and I want him to feel like he can talk to me about what's going on with him and to feel like he can lean on me.
However, in one of his bad moods the other night, he blurted out to me that he didn't want kids. He knows that my two main goals in life are to be a teacher and to have a family, and until now he'd always been really supportive of my ideals and what I wanted. We would often discuss the future, specifically our future although now I have thought about it I guess those conversations had become fewer and farther between more recently.
I'm only twenty, and kids are not on the table right now. But they are definitely on my table for the future, but he says they are not on his at all. And I am completely conflicted. And I'm not sure whether I haven't left him because I am scared to, or because I actually really don't want to. But now every time I think about him I get close to tears, because having children is so so important to me. Is it possible that when he gets older and more stable and more mature that he will want children, or is this the kind of thing that people decide and stick to?

I don't think you need to worry yet as you are so young. Just enjoy your relationship for what it is now. The boyfriends we have in our teens don't often last forever!

Imo, people who say they don't want kids genuinely don't. I feel that its a bit patronising to wait around because you expect him to not know his own mind well enough yet.

This guy is a bit of loser. I really hope you figure that out quickly. The children thing is a non-starter compared to the fact that he's too damn lazy to do something about his life even though he is miserable. He's an adult. He either does it himself or he doesn't. I wouldn't want to have kids with someone like this, anyway.

Please stop wasting your time and move on. This guy is showing you who he is.

He's telling you two things. One is that he doesn't want children. The other is that he isn't the right man for you.

Believe him. University is your best opportunity of finding a man with similar aspirations as yourself. You've outgrown the boy at home. Move on.

not 'as'. 'to'. I think.

Dump and Move On.
Believe me, I know.

He will probs have kids when he's 45 with an 18 yr old - i.e. someone who's not even born yet. Dont' hang around.

if you were thirty I'd say take this really seriously and think about making a break from him while you still have time to find someone who shares your goals without getting panicky and 'settling'.

But you aren't thirty, you are twenty, so if you still make one another happy for the time being then go with it for as long as it lasts, because it probably won't last forever anyway. He may change his mind later, he may not, but either way you have masses of time to worry about that and deal with it when the time comes.

Okay so in that case I need some other advice, which is practically how do I do it?

And yeah I know I have time to find someone, but I think the reason it bothers me so much now is because this is my last year of uni and until now meeting someone else never crossed my mind. But now it panics me because as was rightly said before, uni is a great place to meet someone who is like me...etc and I've only got a year left

You don't have 1 year left at all. DH and I met ant uni but didn't get into a relationship until way after graduation.

Well, if you don't live there anymore, then do it however you like. Skype, for example. 'I think we've grown apart over the years and I think our relationship has come to an end.'

Because really, he's not making you happy anymore if you're getting close to tears just thinking about him.

It's not working.

Best time to end it is now.

Gah, what a drag, a moody boyfriend who won't do FA to improve his own life that is making him miserable.

There is absolutely no point in people telling you to dump the guy, because at the end of the day you're going to do what you're going to do based on what you're experiencing at the time.

It does sound to me as though he is quite a selfish and self-obsessed person (not in a mean way, just that he is very focused on his own desires and needs and puts them before others), and that sort of person does not usually want kids. They can't envision having to put somebody else's needs before their own. That could be put down to his youth (it took my DH until he was well into his thirties to be much good at the dad thing), or perhaps it is his true feelings.

I always knew I wanted children, too. I broke up with one person over their lack of interest in having children (wasn't that fussed about the relationship anyway), and had to explain to my DH on the night of his proposal that it was a dealbreaker for me. But we were about to make a huge commitment, that's the time to talk about it... as others have said, you are still young and have many more years on your side.

You are allowed to end a relationship if you see your futures differently, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing so - including him. Big hugs.

OP you are 20, you don't want to be saddled with a misery who is happy in his misery!! If he wasn't, he would do something about it. If I were you, I would just say that as you both want different things in life, this just isn't working for you.
OP, I really don't mean to be patronising, but I really wish I was 20 again and know what I know now. Life really is too short to spend it wasting it on dickheads!

I know it sounds drastic from where you are standing, but you should dump him and move on. Because you should not compromise your goals at 20. You should not start settling for less than you really want at 20. You are career and family oriented, and he appears to want neither. That is such a massive gulf that you will not bridge it. So, refocus yourself on what YOU really want, open your eyes wide and start looking at men who might be a better fit. You are wonderfully young and have lots of time to find the right person. But the wrong person can really pull you off track. Leave him behind.

I met DH at 30. There will be people here who met their DHs later than that, you have plenty of time.

I know people who said they didn't want kids when they were younger who are now parents. Including Simon Cowell... People do change their minds.

I also have friends who've stayed with men who didn't want kids in the hope they'd change their minds and they haven't. And time has almost run out.

None of my friends met their partners at university, it was later than that. So don't worry yet!

Uni isn't the only place to meet someone! I was with my first bf from 16. I went off to uni and he stayed at home. Looking back the cracks were there for a long time but we stayed together through the whole of uni, a year after I came home and then moved in together when I was 24. We lasted 3 weeks living together (after 8 years together!) before realising we were flogging a dead horse and calling it quits. I started a grad scheme, met my now DH there at 25 and we're now expecting baby number 2 (been married 4 years).

I'm not sure I agree with the concept of sticking with him not because you're happy and you're only young.

This guy will still be working his bar job in years to come when you're a teacher and he'll be earning a pittance of a wage. He may or may not change his mind of children, but regardless, you are two different people. You'll have a high-flying career whilst he's continuing to self-wallow.

I'm 25. The five years from being 20 to 25 have flown by quickly. I'm at a stage where I want children now. The thought of being saddled with a man how you've described saddens me.

Try not to think of it as a "will he change his mind?" And more like, "My children deserve somebody who aspires to be something in life."

Wow, I'm slightly overwhelmed by your messages - little bit of tears! I think deep down in my heart I know it's over and it can't go anywhere, but at my age three years is a long time to have been with someone, and there are a lot of emotions there and I haven't yet learned how to deal with them. I guess this is a learning curve! I think I am just desperate not to hurt him, but time to be selfish and think about me? The thought of actually doing the leaving of him is terrifying!

Uni is not necessarily a good place to meet your life partner. I would say it's a good place to meet your first husband. Lots of people in uni are still too young and confused to know what they want in life. How wonderful that you do know. You will not be condemned to a life of loneliness if you fail to meet the man of your dreams before you graduate!!

I realise I made the splitting up process sound easy there. It wasn't, it was horrific. But it was the right thing to do.

Fairly sure SC having kids was a massive accident!

Is it okay to ask how the splitting up part literally went down?

Magenta, you're right, realised as soon as I posted what a terrible example that was! !

Apparently he's said he wants another one though?!