After the affair - one persons's experience

[probablyregretthisbut]

I have name changed for this and you will probably understand why.

DH and I are into our 20th - odd anniversary.

When we had been married about 8 years I had an affair. I am deeply ashamed of this and am only posting to say to some people that if you and DH / DW want to get through things (jointly) it is possible.

NOT an excuse , at the time I was very severely depressed and drinking too much. The depression made me think I could get some escapism , the drinking clouded my judgement. This is no excuse. I am lucky in that DH took the problem in the round. He told me all the issues which he thought needed to be fixed. I told him what I thought he needed to do .

I had to take many months off work and have proper therapy. DH also came along and had therapy with me. We are now very happy (well fingers crossed but I believe so.) We went through a hard time but the truth is we both wanted to be married to each other.

I am not saying that everyone can do this, but I just wanted to post something which says troubles in marriages can be surmounted. Obviously only if you both have the will and energy to do so.

Not sure why I have posted this but I think that in my case one example of extra-marital sex did not end things. I can understand why some people would think it would. And that's everyone's choice. For us , one aberration does not negate the relationship we have had and have now and still will. As the person who had the affair however, it is hard work to get back from that , so for those whose OHs are the one's who have done that , don't let them off the hard yards. It takes work.

I really am not sure why I have posted this but I think it is just my experience in that an affair does not need to be the end of the road if you can address it together and both of you want it to work. If both people don't then yes , it will not work but I hope I can give some encouragement for those who want to work through it.

Obviously prepared to be flamed but I am truly just posting this to say sometimes it is possible to work through things and be happy.

As I named changed to - I am probably going to regret this .

Thankyou. It's funny you posted this today because I've been feeling a bit down about the chances of me and my husband going the distance. Neither of us have cheated but I'm just so scared when I age he'll fall out of love with me. It's lovely to hear a story of a couple who are so motivated to stay together that they even get through seemingly insurmountable situations.

What would you say you've learnt about making a relationship stay the course?

LaBette

It sounds trite but if you truly wanted it to work when it started then you can (if you both want to )- I think - make it work further down the line . We joke about being married to a 50 odd year old - be in no doubt - you can still be attracted to your wife or husband when they are a bit older.

What would you say you've learnt about making a relationship stay the course?

Be ruthless about whether you have picked the right person and then if you think you have and if you messed up - say so and admit it - just say so and talk about it - and tell them if they have.

Thanks Inexperiencedchick

to you too

Nice to read your post. I have recently found out my husband has cheated on me. We had problems in our marriage but we do both love each other. A lot of people saying ditch him, he's done it once he will do it again but it's not as easy as that and I think if we don't try I may regret it and if it falls apart further down the line at least I tried. It's not been long since I found out and I am still undecided on what to do but I would like to think it's repairable although it's all still very raw for me atm and I know I will have serious trust issues but he's going to have to work hard to regain my trust if he really wants to make it work. But you have given me a bit more hope after just hearing lots of negative things x

I'm glad it worked out for you.

I've never felt that an affair necessarily needs to spell the end of a relationship. However, the sorts of relationships that weather an affair successfully require two fundamental elements:

1. The person guilty of the affair has to take full responsibility for their actions and recognise that the affair was due to their own inadequacies/vulnerabilites and that they made a choice to have that affair.

Anyone who blames their relationship for the affair (I only had it because you didn't do x, y, z etc) is at risk of having another affair because they have not recognised their own part in it. And that applies even when their complaints about their primary relationship may be valid.

1. In order for the person who has been cheated on to have the capacity for forgiveness, they need to have/achieve a strong sense of self-sufficiency and fulfilment so that they make a true choice to forgive and stay.

Far too many betrayed partners stay because of fear of coping on their own.

gg I do not wish to give anyone false hope. That said, I do not subscribe to the 'once a cheater always a cheater' thing. It obviously depends on your own relationship. In my experience you can get through this kind of thing.

I don't wish to be poster girl for cheating but in my experience if you can both talk about something it can be overcome if you both have the will to do it.

I wish you well
x

Pounding - you are completely right.

point 1 and 2
Utterly correct .

I am not trying to say that every person should stay with their partner after an affair - I'm not.

So point 1. I utterly did do that - I can PM you .
Point 2 . DH is pretty strong and I could also tell you about that.

I agree with your points. I pretty much agree with you so PM me if you like.

Your post is very wise.

Prob

Probably - I liked your post. I thought it was very honest and I don't think you came across at all as saying that all relationships could or should get past an affair. You were quite clear that some relationships can under certain circumstances and with enough will on both sides.

And I'm really pleased for you about that.

FWIW I've never been cheated on nor have I cheated. But I have seen a lot of it and drawn some observations...

How does someone regain trust though?

Vixx I don't think you can in all cases, sadly. A lot depends on whether there were previous trust issues before the affair.

When trust is misplaced, not only does it hurt that someone has betrayed us, it also rocks our sense of self. We have to admit that we've made an error of judgement. That can rock the foundations of everything you hold dear and start making you doubt everything. It takes time to reappraise everything and develop faith in yourself again.

You need to reach a stage where you know what to do to make better judgements to protect yourself in some ways, while also accepting that in other ways nothing you could have done could have altered the outcome or the risks, and that you are not at fault.

For a lot of people this tends to be done most successfully after the end of one relationship and before the start of another, because the process takes a long time. Anyone trying to do it within a relationship needs to accept that it is a long-term project of years, not weeks. What you have needs to be pretty special to make that worthwhile. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

It has taken time for me.

My husband isn't a man of words, or actions actually...

He lived in a horrible growing up back ground, abusive parent, not making excuses but it is what it is.

I lived with parents who stayed togeather for the Dc and I really can't say who had it worse, a child like DHs who saw violence, alcohol and drug abuse or little me who went on holidays abroad and family meals out but those memories are clouded with snide comments and horrible attitudes towards them and us as children.

His parents are now dead and I'm no contact with both of mine.

I don't know the answer but I do know we are both trying again and 18 months in I feel i have resolved the fear and are now working on moving forward.

Pounding - thanks for that - some relationships cannot get beyond it. But I think you got my point that some can and some do. In no way am I saying that people should stay in unpleasant relationships or where there is no hope or movement beyond that - just that it is occasionally possible to make mistake and move on.

"a mistake " obviously in case the spelling police arrive

Dragons - I wish you well

Vixx, pps have said better things than I .

What I would say is that you can only feel the trust again when you do. That's not helpful I know. It's a process of just having nothing to hide IMHO

However, practically , what I did , I gave my DH my email passwords and phone passwords. I don't think for a minute he used them but he had them IYSWIM. Actually, now I wouldn't like it if he did use them but the point is I have given him all my email / phone passwords - not so he can check up on me but as a backup for an emergency / family type thing. (which I don't think is unusual in a family ) Because I have nothing to hide now , it isn't a big deal. He won't use them but if he did there isn't anything to hide on there.

I think you have been very open and honest in your postsprob and I wish you and your other half well in repairing your marriage. I think you have done everything possible to enable you to do that.

In my experience, although my husband purported to be remorseful and willing to try and get our relationship back on track, he would not show me his phone history, or even delete her number when I asked him to,
< although he did look at my phone> and that was a big red flag for me that he had no real intention of salvaging our marriage and was just pretending to , so that It would be my decision to ask him to leave when we inevitably had problems again.