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Original poster

Advice please - he won't commit

45 replies

1MrsRabbit · 30/05/2015 08:01

Hi looking for advice from anyone who has been in my situation on how best to proceed...

Been with OH for 6 years, both late 20s now. All good so far, one wobbly week a couple of years back due to him bottling up his feelings but have both gotton a lot better at talking about our relationship.

Had a talk last night initiated by him as he feels like he is being pressurised into marriage. Made it clear that he didn't believe in marriage and he didn't think it would change anything in our relationship so why do it?

But marriage is important to me, I don't want a wedding so much as the reassurance and security and the doing things 'right' iyswim. I want to be married before we have children, he just wants children! We are already in the process of buying house together share finances etc.

Jus wondered if anyone else has been in this situation how did you resolve it, I don't want to end up resenting him or visa versa, and am glad that he plucked up the courage to talk about how he felt, as not been one to talk much in the past, but I can't help but feel hurt and rejected and unsure how to proceed. Thanks

OP posts:

pictish · 30/05/2015 09:39

In practical terms, a mortgage is more of a commitment than a marriage ceremony. You can get a divorce...ever try to get out of paying your mortgage?

I'd say that if he's happy to do mortgage and kids with you, he's committed. I don't think he has any fear of commitment as such...I think he genuinely sees no pressing need to get married.

I can relate to him because dh and I got married long after mortgage and kids. By then, instead of thinking "why get married?", we had begun to think "why not get married?"
It was a natural progression.

So I'm not going to steam in and advise issuing ultimatums. Being married does not equal a commitment.

Offred · 30/05/2015 09:40

Things are actually easier with xp, who I had dc with as a result of his sexual abuse. I knew he was a dick and refused to marry him. He has continued being a dick and I have not been tied to him. So I guess for that reason in your situation op I would not marry him even if he changed his mind, I wouldn't have kids with him either.

Offred · 30/05/2015 09:43

I agree with Pictish actually. Marriage isn't a commitment. It gives legal, contractual, effect to the commitment people should have to each other when they form a family.

pictish · 30/05/2015 09:44

Actually I'll amend a bit of that having read the posts previous to mine because I do agree with much of what offed says...marriage isn't the only thing one might consider a commitment, a mortgage is a biggy as well.

Inexperiencedchick · 30/05/2015 09:44

Please don't even consider to have children if you won't get married.

It's your choice, that's what you want.

PPs are right, in reality if he really wants to be with you and loves you he wouldn't even make a big deal out of it.

He doesn't want to commit. His problem!

But you have a choice here to stay and do what he wants or find someone else who will be happy to marry you.

Someone I was involved with said he will never get married, I let him go as it's not what I want (no matter how painful it is/was).
He got married within a month after dumping me...

I explain it as: "I'm not in the same level financially/career wise."
I always knew he is materialistic...

AllKnickersNoFurCoat · 30/05/2015 09:47

Well, yes offred, in my case, later on, when my xp realised that I was planning my departure, then he wanted to marry me! It all felt like a dollar too short and a day too late. In my case I'm relieved I never married him. My x was abusive too, financially & verbally. But I'm assuming that the OP's OH isn't abusive........... but then, they're less frequently so abusive that it's instantly recognisable as abuse before pregnancy.

So yeh, selfishness is part of a pattern. That inclination to expect somebody you allegedly love to agree to a situation that suits him but not her. For my x it was definitely not isolated.

If hand on your heart OP you feel that this example of selfishness on his part is not totally isolated, then walk away. You're so young. You can still find somebody who realises he's LUCKY to marry you! I couldn't do that because I didn't have the freedom to get out there with two tots. I'd no freedom for anything, for years!

Offred · 30/05/2015 09:50

I got married when my dc were 3 and 2 (and I was newly PG with what turned out to be twins) but that didn't work out so great! Ha ha ha!

Offred · 30/05/2015 09:54

Yeah, it's not always an abuse thing... Yet... Though I think actually displaying selfishness, as you say, is very frequently an indicator of a man who will at least put himself before you when things are tough, which is abusive in a way - abuse of privilege.

Longtalljosie · 30/05/2015 09:54

A lot of my friends are now in their late 30s and single. They spent their 20s and early 30s hoping a man who wouldn't commit would change his mind. Now they face trying to find someone in a very short space of time if they're to start a family. Don't underestimate how vulnerable having children makes you in terms of your ability to support yourself. Marriage means he also makes a commitment.

Lweji · 30/05/2015 09:56

In practical terms, a mortgage is more of a commitment than a marriage ceremony. You can get a divorce...ever try to get out of paying your mortgage?

You can always sell the house...

category1 · 30/05/2015 10:15

What allknickers said here: "But I wouldn't want my dd to do it. I'd want her to have children with a man whose biggest fear was losing her, not with a man whose biggest fear was losing his assets."

kittensinmydinner · 30/05/2015 10:18

This subject has me climbing on my soap box ! I truly believe that marriage and the rights attached to it should be taught in all schools. (Which makes me sound like some kind of religious zealot , which I promise I am not) My enthusiasm on the subject has come about through a deeply upsetting experience just over a year ago, when my best friend since childhood was left by her 'D' P. She had 4 children with him and had always wanted to be married. He did not 'believe' in marriage. They were together for 25 yrs, she was a stay at home mum from the first child (now 23). He worked as a junior clerk working his way up to be Vice President of a now multi national company. As a sahm she wanted for nothing, he gave her a generous allowance, paid all bills/dcs activities/school fees once they went to secondary and lovely holidays. Just over a year ago, he left her for a cliche. (Mid twenties Eastern European) . I supported her in the fall out, was blown away to discover she was entitled to nothing but child support. The house was in his name, he has paid into a huge pension pot, - None of which she was entitled to. He has 'generously allowed' her to live rent free in the family home until the youngest leaves full time ed, then she is out on her ear... And as if that is not all horrendous enough, he married the OW six weeks (!!!) after leaving, apparently because OW's family were strict Catholics and disapproved of her living with dickhead.. This was the hardest of all for bfriend, it gave her no time to grieve the end of the relationship that a divorce affords her, nor does she receive any 'legal' recognition that she has been in a relationship for most of her adult life.
If she had been married she would have at least half of all assets acquired in the marriage.
Half his occupational pension.
Huge increase on her state pension based on the number of years married.
As things stand..
Child maintenance for the last 2 children at home. (Approx £1000 per month)
Free house to live in which she can't afford to heat but cannot sell.
Works 20 hrs for minimum wage
Tax credits/council tax benefit (which she has to top up).

If he truly loves you and wants children then he will understand they are a huge lifelong commitment. Marriage is a much lesser commitment. If he is too pressured for marriage, he will be way too 'pressured' for a baby and its needs. The bottom line is simple. He should WANT to marry you and feel overwhelmed with gratitude for you to agree, anything less is not acceptable.

Offred · 30/05/2015 10:25

Yeah but children don't have to be a lifelong commitment for a man. If minded to they can trip of during pregnancy, from the labour room or in the early weeks and escape everything...

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 30/05/2015 10:31

If marriage is important to you, it does matter. And honestly, a mortgage together will never protect you and your children in the way a marriage certificate does..

I would say that if after 6 years he has not make up his mind about marrying you, but has such firm commitment to avoid it, it is always a bad sign. Yes, a lot of couples live happily ever after without the need of a wedding certificate, but if this is not what you want, what other people do is irrelevant.

You don't need to feel unappreciated through out your life just because he doesn't believe in marriage. You have a right to have the life you want even if it is not with this guy. And believe me, you are young, and the fact that you are together after all this time makes me think you know how to make a relationship work, you will find someone else who can give you the kind of relationship you want (but I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up giving you a ring when he knows you are moving on, having said that... I have got 5 proposals this way, but by the time they came, I had had the time to see the guys from a more detached position and was no longer interested)

PrincessOrElsa · 30/05/2015 10:33

Even if you got him to propose, it's not the end of it. A friend of mine recently finally got a bloke like this to propose, he spent another three years stringing it out by changing his mind on venues etc, before finally pulling out after they'd been together 10 years.

I think ultimately you'll have a better life if you find someone who's thrilled to be with you and can't wait to lock the deal down.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2015 10:40

No, this cannot be resolved because you fundamentally want different things. You want marriage then children, he does not. He does not want marriage (or perhaps marriage to you, you perhaps are his "she will do for now" woman) and not asking you to marry after 6 years of being together is a sure sign of non commitment.

Offred · 30/05/2015 10:44

"...not asking you to marry after 6 years of being together is a sure sign of non commitment."

And wanting kids.

This means, to me anyway, he wants the nice bits without the responsibility and I would walk away now if I were you. Don't fall foul of the fallacy of sunken costs either.

Offred · 30/05/2015 10:46

Actually getting a marriage contract with someone like this won't change them. It will just mean you have slightly better rights when it ends.

AllKnickersNoFurCoat · 30/05/2015 12:04

kittensinmydinner that is dreadful. Your poor friend. My friend's father did something similar to her mother. There were only the two of them, but his punishment is that his two children, adults now, have no respect for him at all. His new wife had children, younger than my friend and her brother and he just swapped being a McFather to them to being a father to his new wife's kids. It was all very half-hearted they felt, as though he'd only ever been a piss poor dad to them because they all lived under the same roof. The moment he moved out and it wasn't convenient, he just transferred his fickle affections for what little they were worth to another woman's children.

My friend's mother has two adult children who have met good kind spouses and she is ok now, set up in a small flat that all three of them together bought. It was a nightmare for them for years though, to see how their own father screwed their mother.

AllKnickersNoFurCoat · 30/05/2015 12:07

offred absolutely, my x wanted the nice bits. He wanted a relationship, he wanted kids, he wanted a house that felt like a home. He wanted sex, childcare, he wanted to be normal.............. (a mask, in his case perhaps). But he was prepared to risk nothing. I think it was you who said upthread that a man who finds it difficult to see anybody else's perspective, that's a big warning sign. My x was like that. For years I thought if I could just find the words to explain this better he'd finally see my pov. But of course that was nonsense. I'm articulate, intelligent, English was his first language as it was mine, there was no reason other than his unwillingness to see anybody else's pov preventing him from understanding my perspective.

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