Going to end my marriage. ..so scared

[sugarwaffle]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my husband, who is generally a moody arse. He can be lovely but also quite cruel and the biggest problem is he swears at me in front of our DC who is nearly 3. You all told me he was emotionally abusive and I didn't reply as I needed time to take it all in, I certainly don't think of myself aa being abused, so it was a bit of a shock to read that.

Anyway we have limped along and today I just feel like a light bulb has gone off in my head that I need to end this marriage. I've had the week from hell at work, very busy and stressful, and today I heard that I had been unsuccessful in a new job I'd applied for which was a bit upsetting but I was fine about it. DH and our DC came to pick me up from work and as we were walking back to the car he walked into a nearby pub with DC on his shoulders, aa there was some event going on in there. I said 'i don't think DC will be allowed in there' (its an adults only pub), and his reply was 'I wasn't going on in just having a look. Fucking retard'. I felt like I had been slapped, so shocked at what he had called me, I really did not say or do anything to deserve that. That moment I knew I can not put up with this any further. I am not having my DC growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to talk to people and watching their mummy be called names like that. I'm furious. I needed a bit of support today after not getting the job (which he knew as I'd text him) and that's what I got instead. I bloody well deserve better then that.

I haven't spoken to him since, there hasn't been a good time to talk to him because I was babysitting a friends DC this evening and had to go and collect them immediately after finishing work, then we have all been out to a wedding do (me, my friend and the 2 kids, DH wasn't invited so he stayed at home). I've not long been home and he's had a few cans of lager so not really the right time to talk to him now. I think I'm going to have to ask my mum to have DC tomorrow and have the talk with him tomorrow.

I'm so scared. I work in law so I know exactly what I'm entitled to and all the legal and financial aspects of ending a marriage. But I'm so scared of the impact this is going to have on DC. We will have to sell our beautiful house that we have worked so hard for, as neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own. This was meant to be our forever home, the thought of uprooting my poor DC and making them leave their home breaks my heart. I feel I'm going to have this huge impact on so many people's lives by this decision I've made. I know it's the right thing, but part of me is thinking is it really? I'm 6 months pregnant and im scared of bringing a baby and toddler up alone. But I am sick of being unhappy and treading on eggshells around a miserable moody arsehole. And I am certainly not prepared to continue being called names like that.

Sorry for the rant, just feeling scared and alone tonight xxx

and strength to you xx

There will be tough times ahead but I truly applaud you for taking the right step for your future and the future of your children. It might be a while coming but one day - hopefully in the not-too-distant future - you'll be able to sit back and congratulate yourself on doing such a brave thing. You sound pretty awesome to me!

That is awful thing . You are doing the right thing in ending it. Your dc can't grow up in an environment where their father thinks speaking to you like that is acceptable. The impact on them will be far greater if you stay - you are absolutely doing the right thing.

It is scary waffle but life will be so much better for you and DC in the long run. My ex used to call me names. He called me a c*nt in from of my best friend once and I brushed it off while she looked horrified. That was one of my lightning moment, that I had been so blasé about it because it was 'normal' in our relationship.

You may have a shit few months and that will be hard while you are pregnant but so worth it. If you ever have any doubts, just imagine one of your DC calling someone at school a fucking retard because Daddy calls Mummy that so it must be ok

Good luck for tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.

Doing these things alone is often easier than doing them undermined. I had no kids when I left my ex (thankfully) but found a mug saying "Divorce - who needs furniture anyway?" and it made me laugh so much that I had to buy it! I'd spent my first year after leaving in an absolutely bonkers flat in a converted barn with some rather worn out rococo style furniture, loud carpet, crystal drop chandeliers and wall lights and a lethal polished marble floor in the bathroom! I was sad to have left the house that I'd poured so much love and care into behind but did not miss the rest of it.

You're definitely doing the right thing

wow I'm so impressed! good for you Sugar. I am sure you're doing the right thing, being called a fucking retard is just vile, totally vile. It will be hard, but you can bring your children up in love and kindness, not verbal abuse, disrespect and contempt.

You don't need him - you'll be able to make a new beautiful home. BEst of luck to you, xx

Well done, you can do this! I am 4 months ahead of you - O left my EA husband in Jan when the EA turned physical.

It is hard, and its horrible. But its so much nicer to bring up my 3 DC alone, in a decent loving home than living with an abuser who did nothing but bring me down.

You are showing you are strong by taking this first step, keep going. xxx

Thinking of you Sugarwaffle. It'll be hard and scary at times but believe in yourself.

Sugar, your decision will have an impact alright, a positive impact. You are definitely doing the right thing for yourself and your children. What good is a beautiful house when the occupants are so miserable. Your chidren won't feel uprooted they will go with the flow. You could choose to stay in that lovely house but is it worth it?

I left my EXH about 17 years ago when my DD was a year old and I was a couple of months pregnant with my DS. I have said this before on MN but I genuinely will never forget the feeling of closing the door on my new (tiny) flat knowing that I would never have to live with him again.

This is tough situation so accept that it is tough but you can do it. It would be tougher staying with him and crushing the real you. You are capable of doing this, lots of women have done it. I know lots of single mums who have done it and trust me most people cope surprisingly well and in fact they cope better than they would have if they stayed in a dysfunctional relationship.

I contacted Women's Aid at the time who were a great help to me and I recommend that you do the same just to get some support for yourself.

Everything worked out for me and I don't regret it for one minute. My DC have coped. An awful lot of their friends are in the same situation. I can't even imagine the hell I would live in if I was still with him.

YOU CAN DO THIS. Allow yourself to be excited about your new future. You have so much to look forward to. Hold your head high and put your shoulders back and don't believe for one minute that you can't do it.

Good luck, let us know how you get on x

Sugarwaffle well done for making the decision to get away from this horrible abusive man, no person should ever be spoken to in that manner, things will be hard to deal with initially , but as others have said, get Women's Aid involved, to give invaluable information , your children will be better off away from having to witness his rantings towards you. MN will give you good advice & moral support. Sending you best wishes for now......

It's much better to do this now than wait til the children get old enough to absorb that he calls you those names, or even worse, calls them names. I remember seeing a family when I took my children to ballet once, and the children were in the back of the car, and I heard the husband hissing 'you f*** bitch' or some such words at his wife, telling her how stupid and crap she was, thinking no-one could hear- the wife then got out of the car, red-faced and carried on as if nothing had happened. I could feel the tension and distress in the family. I wanted to go up to her and say- you know you could leave, don't you? You don't have to stay with someone who hisses nasty words at you and leaves you constantly on eggshells (and I feared even worse).

Don't be that woman. You sound like a really together person. That's not to say it won't be hard. Do you have help you could call on for these next few months- family, good friends, even neighbours, that could give you a hand or help out with the practical side of childcare as well as some emotional support? I would get some support around you and make that move.

Well done Sugar, you will feel so much better for it. Your self-respect will wash back over you like an unstoppable tsunami.

When it's tough, or when you're down, remind yourself that the only fucking retard would the fucking retard who hung around to hear that.

You're doing absolutely, 100% the right thing, and can I say what makes me really happy to hear this is that you aren't prepared to wait until the 20th, the 100th time you are spoken to like this before you take action - by which time you're a shadow of your former self and your children have absorbed years of seeing you shat on. Get out now - don't accept this, and don't accept that it's forgivable, either. It really isn't, and no matter how he begs, pleads, excuses, blames, rants - none of it will be as real as the simple act of calling you a retard for no reason other than that's how he sees you. THAT'S what he really thinks, and that really does end things. Good on you.

You're certainly doing the right thing by ending this marriage and thus refusing to be treated abusively any longer.

Your talk with him may well not go well. He may well become argumentative, threaten to take the children away from you or say that he refuses to leave.

The impact on your DC if you were to stay within this will be far greater and the lessons they learn from that would all be damaging ones.

A home is but bricks and mortar and this current one could well go onto hold a lot of bad memories for them. A new and fresh start for your children and you is needed. Use the services provided by Womens Aid too; they can and will also help you.

Good luck.

Well done for making the decision.You will survive and thrive. I left my ex when my dd was 5, I'm glad I didn't wait any longer as she has grown up in a positive household and knows how to have healthy relationships.You are teaching your children good values.Your husband has learnt abusive behaviour through his childhood and the cycle would just be repeated through your children but you are choosing a better path for them.

You sound like a capable woman and whilst at times you will feel the journey is tough you will get through it.Please let us know how you are getting on.Do you have family support?

Is this the first time you've really drawn this to his attention?

Is it possible that you could effect a positive change through counseling or anger management classes or is that completely unfeasible?

Could telling him you're going to walk could give him the push to address his issues and change?

what a cunt he is

you are doing the right thing

please protect your precious children from witnessing an awful relationship dynamic like this

Thanks so much for all the support, I can't tell you how much it's helped to read all these replies. I haven't had the chat yet as he's on night shifts tonight so hes been sleeping today and I've been out with DC all day, but I am just about to go home now and have it out with him (going to leave DC at his mum's). Before I left this morning he gave me a hug and said 'I'm sorry for being a knob', I just left the room as DC was shouting me. That weakened my resolve for an hour or so but reading the responses on here has made me realise an apology is too little too late. What one poster said about how I would feel if DC called someone at school that name, well I would be absolutely mortified and feel so guilty that they thought that was a normal thing to do. I can't let it get that far.

He has spoken to me like this before, I've been called the C-word in front of my DC before which nearly made me leave then, I told him then I wouldn't be spoken to like that otherwise I would leave. I thought I'd got through to him, but obviously not.

I'm lucky I have excellent family support around me. Friends not so much (I really found out who my true friends were when I had DC1!) but I do have a few good friends I can count on. I'm going to have to stay living in the same house as him for a while, our huge mortgage means neither of us will be able to afford to rent elsewhere as well aa pay half the mortgage, and we are tied into a mortgage deal with huge early repayment charged until next yearsso selling isn't an option until then. But we do have a spare room that he can bloody well move into. Luckily he's on nights for the next week so I won't see much of him anyway.

I have no idea how he's going to take this, I'm so nervous.

Thank you all for the help, it really means a lot that strangers on a forum can be so supportive xxx

Are there no friends or family you can stay with for a while? Staying in the same house when you've resolved to end the marriage with an abusive partner is a bad idea. At the moment you're feeling strong. After a few days or weeks will your resolve stand? Especially if he pleads for you to change your mind. What if he becomes nasty? I think you should stay elsewhere. But good luck. You deserve goid things x

Good luck sugar

Your post reminds me of my husband. He grew up with violence and swears at everyone, including my DC and me. I have been close to chucking him out on various occasions due to his behaviour but have hung on because he and my DC have a special bond. He also claims to want an equal relationship but when I do something he doesn't like it's all about how my behaviour affects HIM. When I ask him to do something I might as well have asked him to lick up dog poo from the pavement. When he's not a moody arse and turning the air blue he can be kind, funny and loving but I don't see it much. I just need a bit more strength, honesty (with myself) and bravery to kick his arse out. I admire you. You are already there. I wish you all the love and best wishes in the world

More power to your elbow Sugar and you Ethel

Good luck Sugar. At some point in the future you will look back and see this as the beginning of your new life.

Good luck. He may well have a big fit of boohooing and promising to change, but he already did that, and didn't stop calling you names so don't let it get to you. He might also go all nicey-nicey for a while, but that will only be for a while, it won't be real.
Unfortunately he may also become aggressive, even physically aggressive. If you think this might be on the cards, it might be worth having a chat with Women's Aid before you talk to him.
And if you do think you can stick it out living in the same house (can only be done if you have room for a bedroom each) make sure you buy a lock for your bedroom door.

I hardly ever post in Relationships, but I have to applaud you sugar.

How dare he speak to you like that. And in front of your child?

I must echo SGB's concerns about him becoming aggressive; even if he doesn't have form, it's a real possibility.

Please plan this carefully and make sure you are safe.

Huge admiration for you and lots of luck sweetheart