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Original poster

FFS will someone shake me and tell me I don't need a man!

17 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 29/05/2015 19:34

This is going to be long. And pathetic.

I'm 40 years old and I've never been without a man. I've been married 3 times. First one at 19 to an abusive man (to escape from an abusive childhood home). Various shit has happened over the years. Marriages have ended due to cheating on ex h's part in marriage 1 and 3 and due to ex not wanting dc's in marriage 2. DH 2 was a rebound thing that should never have really happened...but did. DH 3 was sort of "there". We both wanted children. He ticked some boxes but it was never a particularly happy marriage. He inevitably cheated and we separated 18 months ago. Apart from a couple of months' break between husbands (Shock) I haven't been 'single' since I was 15 Confused

So, post separation from most recent ex, I began chatting to an old school friend on fb and we started each other. We've been seeing each other since last April. He's a decent enough bloke but there are a few red flags which tell me this isn't 'forever'. Why then am I still bumbling along with it?? Why can't I just end it and actually be single and independent for once in my life? Wtf is wrong with me? I'm scared. I've never lived on my own. Never paid a bill. Don't particularly like my own company. I've had a very intense 12 months (re-training etc) so I've lost touch with friends (and lots of them were mutual friends with ex).

I just feel so fucking pathetic Hmm

OP posts:
TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 29/05/2015 19:40

Ahem, I doubt very much that you will be alone forever. There should be something special about you if three man have wanted to marry you, so... i think you can adfored to be more selective next time. Smile

But, work in becoming independant, the only thing I found a bit off putting is that you have never paid a bill before. That is not right, if you can stand on your own, you will get a man who is happy to respect you and cherish you as an individual ( believe me, if they kniw you can and will leave them at the drop of a hat they don't do silly things as being abusive or have affairs)

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 29/05/2015 19:41

Adfored? Afford, even...

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 29/05/2015 20:03

Thanks Smile I don't have trouble getting men. It's just faithful, decent ones that seem to elude me Hmm

When I say I haven't paid a bill, I don't mean I haven't contributed financially. I have. I had a very good career pre dc's and in fact, pretty much 'kept' DH2. I just mean the practicalities of "physically" paying and sorting bills. It's always just been something the 'men' have done Confused I know it's not rocket science but this whole weight if responsibility of doing everything "on my own" scares me shitless. It's ridiculous. I'm 'strong' in so many ways and just writing this down has made me realise how stupid and weak I sound. Not to mention some kind of anti feminist Confused

OP posts:
TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 29/05/2015 20:08

Well... Just think of the bills as little tasks like the ones you tackle at work, because that's what they are, and nothing else.

If you are already seeing red flags with this guy, it is better to run while you can. But I would say that in terms of being cheated on, you may want to explore your oast relationships to find out if there is a coommon pattern for the affairs to happen, ie. Are you getting attracted to the wrong person, or was it your behaviour that made them think they could get away with it?

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 29/05/2015 20:18

Yes. That makes sense. Thanks. I just get so embroiled with work and the dc's, I suppose I'm a bit "scatty" when it comes to household paperwork and stuff Confused I just need to be organised. I've just agreed a rental on a house for me and the Dc's for next month so I'd better start soon!

First two choices were definitely "bad" - I was a textbook victim for H1. I had a lot of counselling about childhood stuff after dc1 was born which I think helped me readjust my boundaries. Ex h isn't a bad person. I was just a shit wife frankly.

OP posts:
TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 29/05/2015 20:25

hey, don't take all the blame, it is not fair on you, ok? Just examine what happened and don't do the same mistakes. :-)

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 29/05/2015 21:11

Thanks again. Just on a bit of downer I think. It's not quite where I expected to be at 40 Confused

OP posts:
TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 29/05/2015 21:24

40 is such a good age, you know what you want, you know what you don't and you don't care what other people think. It is the age of freedom, honest.

Enjoy it, it may feel difficult just coming out of a relationship, but give it a couple of months, you will see what I mean. You are about to discover how strong you are, and when you know you are strong this freedom is a blessing even if you end up with another important man in your life very soon. :-)

Findingme123 · 29/05/2015 23:00

I have a similarish situation, also 40, married twice with a few mediumish length relationships in between. I also seem to meet men easily, usually with some sort of an issue, and although independent, I just can't seem to tolerate being single. I'm really trying to work on just existing as me. Trying to make myself do things I enjoy on my own. Strangely, I've also just had a busy last year with work issues and found myself easing up on that and finding myself seeing another man. I'm really trying to spend time on my own now and doing things just for me.

ClawofBumhead · 29/05/2015 23:07

You DON'T need a man ffs. You don't need anybody to shake you, you know it already!

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 29/05/2015 23:26

Findingme - Thanks. It's good to know it's not just me Confused

Claw - I know I don't NEED one. Especially not a complete nobhead Hmm

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 30/05/2015 11:36

You don't need a man!!

With bills, thinking and procrastinating is worse than doing. Clear a little time in your day, sit down with them and make a list. Then just batter through them. Most can be done by direct debit these days and then the work is done for you.

I think it's very easy to lose yourself in a relationship, or in the 'wife and mother' role and after many years doing that it might be difficult for you to see the path out. But it is there, and you can do it.

And you will be much happier, much more confident and much less likely to settle for some arsehole. Good luck!

LurcioAgain · 30/05/2015 12:03

You don't need a man! You are great and a complete person as you are, a great mum, great friends - there are loads of relationships you're holding down brilliantly! You don't need a romantic one to complete the set!

Practical issues - make a list of your regular bills - utilities, council tax, rent/mortgage, insurance, TV licence. Put as many as possible on direct debits. Set up a dd to pay the minimum amount on your credit card every month so that if you forget it at least you don't get slammed with charges. If you have store cards cancel and cut them up - the interest rates are punitive if you forget to pay them.

Get a pin board for the kitchen wall. Bills go on there the day they arrive with the payment date highlighted then into a box when they've been paid. When the box gets full shred the bottom half (there are occasions eg new mortgage where you may need the most recent 3 months of utility bills).

And equally important find stuff for you - whether it's a night out at the movies once a fortnight/month with a friend, an evening class - whatever gets you interacting with other adults. It doesn't even need to involve going out - for eg I write short stories and have joined an online writers' group which gives me other adults to chat to online after DS is in bed.

Apatite1 · 30/05/2015 12:11

You definitely don't need a man. What you need to do is become independent and stand on your own two feet. You're 40, this is now overdue.

ninetynineonehundred · 30/05/2015 12:47

I'm with you. A few years younger but single with two kids and have never been on my own as an adult.
It's scary, especially if there are things that someone has always done for you.

I've found that instead of looking at the whole journey to get somewhere i just take it one step at a time.
Eg getting all the paperwork into one place.
Then chucking out all the old envelopes and pizza leaflets, then sorting it into filing, finances etc.
Before I know it I've done all of a job that felt overwhelming earlier.

I'm taking this approach to everything (the newest and most scary one is getting back to work) and it's really working for me.

You can do this by yourself and will like yourself much more when you realise it Smile

Lovingfreedom · 30/05/2015 12:54

Winston Churchill was famously really bad at paying bills and sorting personal admin....it's easier these days with direct debit etc. You can do it! Don't give yourself such a hard time. Grin X

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 30/05/2015 13:41

Thank you so much for the responses Smile Feeling much more positive today (although still slightly sick/scared Shock). I'm glad I have something in common with Churchill Wink

The paperwork thing is daft. I know it is. I'm a bloody teacher FFS. I've got paperwork coming out my ears on a daily basis Shock I think it's just more symptomatic of the whole being totally responsible for the finances. I've been poor (dh1 left me with £80k of debt. It took me years to get straight again) but more recently, I've been lucky enough to not have to worry about money. Knowing it's all down to me and knowing it's not just me I have to be responsible for is bloody scary. My bloody dc's are braver than me! They've been through so many changes the last 12 months and they've just got on with it. About time I took a leaf out of their book Confused

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