There's a lot of anger in my family

[indigoteeshirt]

I have two teenage daughters and I feel like they, together with their dad, (we all live together) gang up against me. I have a chronic pain condition and this creates a tension in the house because my daughters will say, quite rightly so, there's always something wrong with me. The pain does make me self involved - either I'm trying to prevent it, manage it or recover from it. I know I'm no fun and I think I'd be better of out of their lives. I've made reasonable excuses not to join the family holiday in the past two years so they can have break from me.

Atm I'm caught as though the damage to my relationships with my family has been done.

It sounds like a difficult situation for all of you.

Do you have good control over your pain? Do you have regular hospital appointments?

Can you, hand on heart, say you do everything you can to help yourself?

Do you tend to moan a lot?

Do you tend to be a bit of a martyr?

I'm not suggesting in any way you do do these things, just wondering what the situation is really like.

What do the rest of the family say when you say you're not going on holiday with them? Do they try to persuade you to go?

Does your condition mean that you can't join in on whatever activities they get up to on holiday? Perhaps hanging out with them all in a different, non-domestic setting where you could all potentially be relaxed might be exactly what you need.

strategies : discharged now from pain clinic, apply CBT., off ADs modify my 'surgical appliance' (now that one beats up your confidence) to improve comfort / reduce pain, regular sleep and exercise.

Moaner/martyr - I am just very quiet, as I said self involved. I go to work every day and sometimes they are surprised/impressed with my tenacity.

They are going through their own stuff as teenagers and it's natural that they will want to distance themselves from me. I guess I feel I'm let down by my body and so am letting them down.

my mood is low and I don't have the capacity for the frivolous, I am naturally quite serious and the pain amplifies this.

I think I'm torn between the ideal and reality and I am the angry one -and dds are doing what they should - being moody teenagers.

The pain management is making me ultra sensitive. The vulnerability means I lack the essential thick skin for the bumps in life.

When you say you're self-involved, do you mean you don't have much time for your children's concerns?

Do you get any support at all? Counselling, friends who understand or internet groups? I have a severe chronic pain condition and try hard to keep life at home as normal as possible. Having said that, I no longer work so can manage myself in my own time. I can rest, do exercise and therapies when DH is working and try to look normal when he gets in.

Teenagers are incredibly self absorbed on the whole and their comments, whilst painful to hear, are probably not their true feelings. My sons are now early twenties and pretty understanding and helpful. Does your DH step in to support you?

I try hard to keep a fairly cheerful face on because it probably is a drag to live with someone who is never smiling or positive. It's an effort but can be done. Are you sure you aren't still depressed and also do you have optimum pain relief? Can you spend time with each dd showing an interest and investing in them? The answer is probably yes. In which case try not to take it to heart. Before my injury my teenage ds was so vile I never imagined we could get along but we do. I think he changed more than me.

Sorry not to be more help. If nothing else, your dds will grow up and become kinder. And please talk to your DH, ganging up against you isn't nice if you are sure this is happening. If you carry on feeling so low please see your GP.

Pm me if you want to chat.

Thanks for your prompt responses. I had a crisis today and it is now passing. Thanks again for your balanced concern.

Matilda : yes. I need to simply smile. simple strategies always the best. just been up to dds. rooms and gave both a kiss on the head.

imperial : i've been out and about with both this week, shopping, eating cake.

I think I'm doing okay but the pain just makes me feel so disconnected and tired.

thanks again.