Help me change!

[Fedupofbeinglikethis]

Hi
I'm really struggling with who I am and how I can't make any friends or reconnect with old friends . I feel like there is something wrong with me that needs fixing.
I am also in a long term relationship which is getting steadily worse ( he is lazy and self centred at times). I just feel so lonely he has told me people see me as cold and rude. I can understand this I am socially awkward but I try so to be open smile ask polite questions to show interest etc , and I am ok with stuff like baby groups I talk to other mothers there but it never feels like a real connection where I could ask do they want to meet for coffee or a play date . As for me being rude well yes people could call it that but normally when I have been described as rude (by his family) it's been because I have different beliefs and instead of keeping my mouth shut I actually say I don't agree with that.
I used to be full of life and enjoy socialising (had loads of friends) but I think my self esteem is quite low I think I prefer to be alone than being anxious about being around people and saying the wrong thing or not saying what I want to and changing the essence of who I am.
So I don't really know what I'm asking I think I just feel a bit lost maybe someone could recommend a good book that would help me sort out in my own head whats going on. Going to relate is not an option as I did that before and was told that DP and his family were in the wrong which DP didn't like and tbf surely the problem lies with me since I can't form any relationships?! Also past experience have been really bad I was in an very abusive relationship , got some help after that and was still able to form and keep friendships.
I know this is all rambling nonsense but I really could use a steer in the right direction here.
Excuse any typos I'm on phone and thanks in advance

Well if you have had outside perspective and been told that your dp and his family were wrong, hold onto that.

Also could this relationship be the cause of your anxieties? You seem to be doubting yourself a lot.

Well your relationship sounds like it's dragging you down. Your "D"P is telling you that people don't like you and that's damaging your confidence.

So the change you probably need to make is to get rid of the P, and try to recover some confidence...

I am ok with stuff like baby groups I talk to other mothers there but it never feels like a real connection where I could ask do they want to meet for coffee or a play date

Why not try asking? If you are talking and interacting with other people in that environment - especially if you're seeing the same people multiple times - you're off to a good start, and obviously they don't think you're cold or rude if they're talking to you and not making an excuse to rush off, right?

Could it be that your dp/dh has made you feel like this? I could have written your post, before I met dh I was more sociable ( though a little shy ), I was more confident , I had friends nod could talk to people, after being with dh for a while my confidence be fain to disappear as did my friends and my social life, I guess I thought this was normal as I was getting older and having children. My dh put me down quite a lot but did it in a way that I didn't even realise what he was doing, he made me think that I could not do anything without him, I began to think I was worthless and no one would want to be friends with me, I began to be scared of talking to people as I thought I was worthless. It took me years to realise what dh had done to me, I am now single and trying to rebuild my life, it's not easy . I'm not saying that this is what is happening to you but if it is please do something about it.

Thank you so much for your replies . I have wondered if it's the relationship that is causing the problems I'm sure it is effecting my self confidence in fact I know it is , I don't feel valued or respected by him . But yet I think surely it's my fault if I could just be better things would get better. Then I worry because this sounds very like my internal script from when I was in an abusive relationship .

I am scared of talking to people but since I has DS I have being trying so hard to be more social for his sake, the fear I has for the first few months every time I went made me sick.
I think I would curl up and die on the spot if i dared invite someone for a coffee but a year ago I think I was feeling the same about just going to a group , maybe I'll get there but it's very slow progress I might be 80 by the time I gave a friend

The only thing you need to change is getting rid of him. He sounds vile. I am sure all your anxieties will vanish quicker than he does.

And his behaviour is his fault, not yours.

I just feel like its blaming someone else for my issues simply by saying it must be him , I'll get rid. What if it is me. That's why I'm trying to find something that will help me address my issues now iyswim