I'm not gelling with my CBT therapist(to put it mildly) WWYD?

[notthestereotype]

Hi,

I've had depression and anxiety on and off since my very early teens. I say off, but actually I think it's more about coping with it better, rather than not having it iyswim. It's always there, just to a lesser or greater degree.

Anyway, I've had therapy as a teenager, which was bloody useless! Seriously awful. Then again 4 or 5 years a go, although this was in the form of CBT. I did find it useful and I liked my therapist. She was very friendly, thoughtful and just incredibly professional. I took a lot from those sessions, but unfortunately over the past year or so, I could feel myself creeping back into old habits and so, with a little of encouragement from dp, I started the ball rolling and decided to get some help, starting with my GP. I was assessed and scored very high on anxiety and moderate with depression. I have been on the waiting list for ages and I've just had my second session with my new therapist.

Well, I just don't like him. Not necessarily as a person, but as a therapist, I'm sorry, but he's just awful. He looks really bored, never smiles, forgets things I've literally just told him and there are really awkward silences and not in a good way and by good way I mean, when they give you an opportunity to talk. I do talk, but there has to come a time when they offer you some kind of advice, or coping strategy. He asks me the same questions and keeps reminding me that I don't have many sessions left.

I just don't know what to do. I know I need to see someone, but this is just a complete waste of time. I don't know who I'm supposed to talk to. I don't like the idea of telling him at all! I don't want to offend him, but he is getting paid and he should be doing his job properly.

How would you tackle this? Would really appreciate any advice.

Thanks for reading.

I went through around 6 therapists before I found one that I could actually talk to

there is a website where you can check qualifications - you can put in your postcode and find people near to you

it's a very personal type of relationship and it is no surprise that we have to try a few before we find one that works!

Thanks for replying fox. So were these private therapists you were seeing?

yes, I tried the one I was referred to and he was awful, really awful.

Sorry just seen yours wasn't a private one. Can you ask for a different one? (is it in a place where there are lots of counsellors?)

there are also charities that provide counselling - I went to one of these but didn't get on with them either

If you can, tell him you don't think he and you are a good fit. Otherwise try to contact the organisation he works for or your GP to explain this perfectly reasonable problem. An actual complaint might be helpful to him, others and the organisation (he will have to half regular recorded sessions so his supervisor can help him with these issues). You should not be disadvantaged but of course with long waiting lists you might be. f you get given session rating or satisfaction QUESTIONNAIRES then use these to give feedback too.

fox, sorry you had the same issues initially. Yeah I couldn't really afford private atm, so I'm almost certain I'd be going back on the waiting list for months! I think I'm being too soft really, because I really don't like the idea of raising the issue with his supervisor. If it was just the case of a personality clash, then it would be different, but the thing is, I really can't imagine him helping anyone. He has such a depressing manner and he just makes you feel 10 times worse. He takes in deep breaths as you're talking. You know the kind that people take when they're really bored and wanting to be somewhere else. He really does need bringing up on it, I just wasn't sure how to go about it.

Jiminy, yeah I really don't think I could say that to his face. I wasn't sure if I went to my GP, they might tell me that because I've been handed over to that organisation, it's got nothing to do with them, so I might be wasting my time.

I can understand you feeling that way tbh :(

could you write a letter about it to his supervisor maybe? or even write one to him?

(I would go back to the GP just so they know. Maybe there is somewhere else they can refer you?)

Sorry you've had this experience. He may well be a PWP if it's NHS, someone who's only had a year of very basic CBT training who hasn't got a grounding in counselling and psychotherapy. Unfortunately on the NHS your choices are limited, you can either request a different therapy of similar training who you might gel better with or go private. If you are working and can afford it if go private tbh.

I'd go private

Try MIND, a former colleague of mine is a very experienced CBT therapist and does volunteer sessions for them . Apparently they offer (or at least used to) CBT sessions free of charge, but I'm not sure of the criteria for accessing them.
Also, you can tell whoever runs the service you are using that you would like to try a different therapist, with no qualms. To use their jargon, you could say the "therapeutic relationship hasn't been established" if you feel uncomfortable going into detail. An NHS organisation should understand and be used to this this, and use the information to improve their service. Please keep going until you find the right therapist as CBT can be so helpful.
Ive trained in CBT and it should be more than just talking, I would expect there to be some exercises agreed, and between session work.

Oh dearest notthestereotype, it saddens me to read posts like this.

I'm a therapist, using CBT, NLP, hypnosis and other approaches - and I consider it a privilege to be able to support people in their time of need.

You say he looks really bored, never smiles, forgets things I've literally just told him and there are really awkward silences and not in a good way.

That's really,really not acceptable. You deserve a therapist who's totally there for you. As others have said, you should be leaving a session with insight, 'homework' to do and a feeling of having moved forward.

It's obviously difficult when going private isn't an option. Please explore ways of finding someone you can work effectively with. You're not making a fuss.