Kids holidays with ex and ow

[wednesdayblues]

Brief history; My stbxh had affair and I found out last jan. I threw him out but really struggled for at least. 6 months. Ex has seen dds ( 5 and. 3 )at least every other weekend.

He told me he was still seeing ow in June last year but mutual friends have told me they have lived together since April 2014!!
I was so shocked And upset ( she knew me ) I didn't want dds to meet her initially . I met someone else and she then met dds in October. I understand she is normally there when dds are with him. I haven't met her yet as am worried as to the potential effect on me and to be blunt don't want to!

I am worried ex will try to take dds on holiday with her. I just don't think it's appropriate but don't know if Im
Being protective of my feelings or dds? I just can't bear the thought of
Them
Playing happy families !
Every time I hear her name it is a dagger ,but it is better than it was and I feel more like me now.
Any advice or tips from people in similar situations appreciated !!

Thankyou!

Been through this myself so know how you feel. Firstly, you don't have to meet her. Secondly, he hasn't asked about a holiday so cut yourself a break and quit worrying til it happens...which it might well...in time.
You accept she is in regular contact with your DC and has now established what seems to be a permanent relationship with your EH. So your questions, when they occur should be; Do my DCs like her? Are they comfortable with her? Would they like to go on holiday with their dad and girlfriend?
It is terribly hard to try to set your own feelings aside and put DC's interests first. It does feel like twisting the knife but with each hurdle you overcome like parents evenings, birthday parties, clothes shopping where you may feel you are sharing these experiences with an undeserving OW your children will fare better if you have put their needs ahead if your own hurt feelings.
I was very resistant to the thought of OW holidaying every year in France with my DD for a fortnight doing all the exciting things I couldn't afford like waterskiing, snowboarding etc... now I'm practically ringing them in January begging for dates so I can book my own childfree holiday. DD loves her fortnight with her dad and loves coming home to me afterwards.[smile
Time will make this easier for you OP ]

Wow, brilliant reply redfairy.

TBH it will probably be the worst holiday of her life if it does end up happening. I know your children are lovely/fun/gorgeous etc but other peoples children on holiday are hard work!!! I would be pushing for them to go on holiday together - reality bites!!

And yes you could have a lovely bit of child free time doing what you want.

Thanks redfairy, amazing advice!
I guess the key is whether kids want to go on holiday with her. Hmm cutekoala you're right ..,

I do want to book a holiday just me to sit and do nothing / sunbathe etc that I certainly couldn't do with kids!

My 2 are lovely but v full on!!

It just seems like a constant reminder of the pain when I found out. Does it get lots better??

If you've met someone else, then you need to let go - does your new partner play 'happy families' with your children? Or does he simply date a woman with kids?

I understand the feelings of hurt and betrayal that you must have had over the horrible end of your relationship, but that was 18 months ago now and it's time to let go of those feelings. Your partner was the one that betrayed you, the one that had made promises to you, not the 'OW'.

All you need to care about is that your children are treated well when they are with them. As long as that is the case, whether it's a holiday or a regular weekend thing, that is all that matters.

I second everything redfairy said. Hard as it is, you have to rise above your hurt and anger. You do not ever have to meet her if you dont want to, my similar situation is 16 years ago now and "they" live around the corner from me, I have never once gone to their house or had anything to do with her in all that time even though she had been my friend and living directly opposite for 5 years prior to the affair and subsequent break up. I have made doing NO CONTACT a work of art.

I have had some great, child free holidays as a result of my situation and some wonderful child filled ones too- made all the better by knowing I have the best of both worlds- they do not (she was pregnant as soon as I kicked him out and he moved in with her)- he looks ground down and angry, I am light and airy and totally indifferent now.

Just ask him sweetly when they are planning thier holiday and book something lovely for yourself so that all of you are looking forward to something nice at the same time. Then you will all return refreshed and keen to catch up.

Thanks so much. Its good to know other people have been through it as no one I know has had similar experiences with kids. Its the hurt that is still there unfortunately, its getting better though.

How do you "let go" - is it just time?!?

I am really conscious not to badmouth their dad or OW, when they ask whether I know her I just say "mummys only met her once, so no we're not friends - you're not friends with someone you've only met once. She's daddy's friend." I try not to make a big deal of it.

Unfortunately he's not a planner but I'm trying to get dates out of him when he's going to take them away so I can book something nice for me!!

But it may not happen at all. Relationships like this often don't last. They have a low success rate due to being based on deciet and causing pain.
Don't deal with it till you have to. It is early days.
My ex was also involved with a 'friend' of mine while we were married. That was about one year ago. He is still seeing her (off and on)but they don't live together and he takes our daughter on holiday with his sister and her family. They want nothing to do with the ow.

I struggled with "let go" too. In the end I got the idea of "rise above it" by literally imagining myself hovering above my feelings of anger and hurt and seeing them and acknowledging them but separating myself from them when in the presence of ex and/or OW.

I got very fed up with "let go" and "move on" and found myself pissed off with people who were effectively telling me that what I was feeling was not valid or that I was wallowing- it was raw for some time and I know now that it took as long as it took to move from hate to indifference- you can't hurry indifference.