Need someone with some effing experience - mum/sister/niece vortex!

[MotherFluffer]

I'm going to try not to waffle here because there's LOADS of backstory that nobody wants to sit through so I'll try to sum it all up by saying that I never got on with my half sister and as we got older it hasn't got any better because she has just gone round creating trouble and drama - lying, hurting my mum (conning her out of money, too), getting pregnant at 16 etc etc. I have been quietly disgusted by her behaviour, given my opinion when asked but largely ploughed my own furrow and kept out of it, pretty much NC with her, don't see her, know where she lives or have her phone number.

In the middle of this is my poor, poor 7yr old niece who I don't know at all, I only hear of the crap she has to live amongst :( If I was her, I'd grow up feeling totally unloved, she is just passed around. Since having my own daughter, my feelings of disbelief and pity have only grown for her and I've come to question my own childhood. I look back and wonder at some things we went through: it seems we just lived at the mercy of my mum's long list of failed relationships :( My life was full of getting attached to people who then disappeared - other men and their families. At the time I just accepted things, I've always been a 'good girl', never went off the rails or gave my mum any bother beyond a few teenage tantrums! Since DD arrived though I've felt a bit angry with my mum (who i do love and have always been best friends with) that she didn't seem to put us first in a way?

So, I made a pact with myself that the same wouldn't happen with my daughter, and I don't want her to have anything to do with my sister or niece because I don't want her to get attached and then my sister pulls some kind of stunt and hurts her, or when my niece hits 13 and goes off the rails because of her shit childhood, copying her mum, my DD gets swept up in it in some way too. It's been easy up to now as we all live quite far from each other but since my mum and sister have 'made up' I'VE been getting lots of earache from mum about not being such a bitch and giving people second chances (er, or a million chances....). Mum is now saying she wants us all to see each other more and be a happy family. I'm sure she does, but that's just not the reality is it? I don't want to hurt her, but I feel tired just thinking about being involved in any of my sister's drama and I'm doing everything I can to give my daughter the lovely stable childhood I didn't.

e.g: apparently if my sister got married, I'd get an invite. Oh brilliant, nevermind that in the midst of their fallout I said to Dsis that we should put it all aside for MY wedding and invited her to be maid of honour, she agreed, I bought dress...she never turned up!

AM I being a bitch? Should I get back into this pool of mess for the sake of my niece? My mum seems to think that 'good role models' are important for her (agreed) and that apparently I should be one (not convinced.) My instinct is to have my niece here, at least a lot of the time, but I feel too young and inexperienced, my DD is only 3 and I'm not a maternal type, I love my own but am generally bad with kids - wtf do I do with a damaged 7yr old?

I am also hacked off that my mum bends MY ear so much on these things. DH thinks mum is afraid to say anything to DSis in case it triggers another bout of NC between them, so she takes it out on me - I get punished for her behaviour :(

You are not being unreasonable at all. You can't save the worlds abused children but you CAN save your child. I think you should concentrate on your own DD.
Your Mother had her chance to provide you with a happy stable upbringing and she failed. So who is she to dictate the shots? It is a testimony to your strength of character that you didn't go off the rails.

You sound like a wonderful person and I think you should use your strength to provide a great stable and respectful childhood for your own daughter.
It is probably already too late for your poor niece.

If she has been passed from pillar to post at seven, then it is likely that the damage to her has already been done. It is really sad and I wish it wasn't so.
Ignore your Mother, she sounds like a nightmare.

oh phew thank you, was worried I'd get the 'god you sound like a total bitch' treatment but needed to know if I was BU!

My eldest brother married a narcissist, had a daughter & then died unexpectedly when his DD was only about 18 months old. Daughter raised by narcissist, who went thru God only knows how many husbands, boyfriends, etc. But guess what? My niece has turned out just fine - tho she is NC with her mother.
So focus on your own daughter, be firm with your DM & don't get sucked into others dramas. Your instincts are good, keep following them.

What PPs said. Your DH sounds like a wise man, too.

Thank you, yes I love DH for being so steady and wise!

I think that you need to tell your mother to stop pushing so hard because it makes you want to have less to do with all of them, not more. Stay strong in the face of your mother's guilting. "you're such a good role model for her" "yes, mum, so are you, isnt she lucky she's got you? after all you have all the experience which I don't yet. All that experience is irreplaceable". If she keeps going, cut the conversation short and turn it to something else or say you're busy and have to go. If you keep on doing that, she'll back off ... eventually. Just keep doing it consistently.

Regarding your sister and her daughter - it is very, very difficult.

Cautiously I think that on the big stuff (eg wedding) you should take a deep breath and go. She's obviously been awful, but limited contact at weddings and the odd family party is not unreasonable. Also ... wait until you actually -get- the invite before you start worrying.

Beyond that it's better to stay very well clear of drama. It drags you down, weighs on you and sucks the joy out of life. As others have said, your own child has to be your priority. Also in a practical sense if you tried to get involved with your niece, I suspect your sister would start playing some pretty manipulative games.

I think the best you can do is offer to have your niece to stay when you can, but not to expect too much, your sister might well promise to send her then let you (both) down. But if you can have her to stay it will show her what a good home is like. As she gets older and more independent you might be able to have more contact that isnt dependent on the sister ... though by then admittedly she'll be pretty well formed. Still, a good example in teen years helps a great deal in forming the final person. I'm not sure kindness to a teen is ever really wasted, though it can take them many years before they realise.

Thanks meerka that sounds great, I think I'd be better with an older teen and yes, I know for a fact that if I had anything to do with my niece my ssister would start twisting and using it. Mum is sneaky, she waits until she has me as a captive audience like being in a cafe mid-meal or driving her in a car somewhere before she starts! I do and have put my foot down, but it does make me feel bad, like I'm being cruel to her and its the last thing I want to do - I've always been on her side! I also feel like the more she pokes the closer we get to the big scar that is my childhood, festering away, and I don't want to make her feel bad about that either as I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose...but if she keeps pushing me like this!

In the end you managed to go NC with your sister; you have the steel in your spine to manage to stand up to people. It's a question of toning down that steel to an appropriate level to your mother now. Enough to make the point very clearly that you don't want to discuss this; but not enough that you go LC or NC.

maybe say it straight out, as bluntly as this "I don't want to discuss this Mum" and if she ignores that, stop the car, sit silently until she asks you what's wrong, then look her straight in the eyes and say "I do not want to discuss my sister. (and maybe: Stop taking it out on me)". Then don't contact her for a couple of weeks. If you do this consistently, she will get the message eventually.

it's very hard for her, she must have been heartbroken firstly over your sister's behaviour and secondly over the rift between you and her. Any mother would be terribly upset. But that does not mean you need to be pushed into a destructive situation with sister. Any true healing there is going to come in its own time, and not because you're pushed into a relationship with someone you have to kowtow to to keep on the right side of. You -will- have to set up the boundaries with your mum though.

Your love for your mum is not affected by this. You can love her just as much. Real love is probably strongest when there are healthy boundaries involved!

Thanks meerka, you're right, I feel her pain in not having the loving family around her kind of thing. Hopefully our conversation the other day will be enough, I said I needed to see a few YEARS of stability from my sister before I would consider my daughter spending more time with either of them. It might happen, maybe she's straightened herself out this time...

It sounds like your sister needs professional help, not just good role models. Look after your daughter until shevgets that.

When Dsis first had my niece, until she was school-age she seemed to have a lot of help, people watching and checking etc but it all went away once school started and the problems aren't 'obvious' ones if you see what I mean - she's clean, clothed and fed but just has no stable home life. My sister literally gave her away to her stepmother at one point hundreds of miles away. The SM then changed her mind and sent her back to my sister, who has never been solely responsible for her before. It's just not a nice life is it, being passed around people, you'd feel totally unloved!