Don't think I like or love DH very much at the moment (sorry it's so long)

[petunia]

We've had lots of "run-ins" with DHs parents over the 13 years we've been together. They couldn't really cope with him having a life of his own when at the age of 28, I became his first girlfriend. They don't drive and when we first started going out, he really was their taxi service. He thought nothing of driving over 100 miles in an evening so that they could spend weekends at his house and take them out on outings. The only thing was that we had so many outings with them, that I began to wonder who I was going out with!
When we got engaged, his Mum threw the most almighty tantrum. I guess I should have known how things were going to be because I walked out of the house expecting DH to follow, he instead stayed with his Mum. And after I returned, he stayed in the lounge while his parents told me everything that was wrong with me.
We've had several tantrums since. There's never any apologies and in the next visit, everyone pretends that it's all "happy families". DH now thinks that his parents don't or have ever done anything wrong, and if I do moan about something they've done, he twists it round to make it my fault.
Last year, his mother said something following a miscarriage in June (I've posted it in the thread about the worst thing that your MIL has said/done to you). DH didn't see anything wrong in what she said and even though I was in tears over it (this was a week after the m/c), he told me to "pull myself together". Luckily, I've only had to see them 4 times since then.
I really hate his parents. We've now got another visit from them looming. I felt that MIL crossed a line with what she said and would really like to avoid them, at least for some of the visit. I told DH this on Thursday. He went in to this rant about what would his parents think if I wasn't there. Many things were said but one of the things he said was that all families had "disagreements" and everyone had to move on, and not go about with "chips on their shoulders". I said that part of married life, was sticking up for each other, putting each other first (or I thought that was part of married life, maybe I'm wrong). He said, no it wasn't, not if it meant "starting conflicts". In other words, the reason why he's never stuck up for me and the children or asked his parents to apologise, is because he doesn't want to start a "conflict" (but haven't the ILs started the conflict by throwing a tantrum in the first place?)
I can't believe he's said this, but at the same time, it confirms everything I suspected. That when push comes to shove, his parents have always come first and always will.
So sorry this has been so long. I'm kind of feeling very about it all.

Yes, you've been too nice or rather too accommodating. It's possible to be very nice but firm and unbending. Any adult male can manage 2 children of his own. He's got arms. He'll cope. He can take the two older ones on the other occasions and you will bear the 4 duty visits a year.

Well in some respects I have to say that I would probably have some sympathy with your dh's aim to avoid starting a conflict. Before concentrating too much on dh's relationship with your MIL I think that you probably need to consder how best to manage your relationship with her? Your dh has obviously developed his own mechanism for dealing with her over the years (not necessarily the most healthy, but they do still seem to have a reasonable level of communication if he was teling her so much detail about your m/c). I've read your bit on the other thread, but tbh can't really see that what she said was actually the sort of issue which could end up in this sort of situation. Yes it was a bit thoughtless, but not sure that it was offensive (in fact I'd assumed that you were another MNer who had been told by her MIL that "what you never have, you never miss"). Tbh I think that to not want to see them again is a bit of an over reaction, and wonder if this is really linked to your loss rather than your MIL.

However I'm aware that it isn't always possible to fully explain to a 3P, so I may not be picking up the full implications of her comments. Perhaps you could write it down in a letter to her, so that she can understand how you feel. If it is at the stage that your children are picking up on it then I think that you need to find a way of resolving the conflict between yourself and MIL. And in your situation I would probably leave Dh out of it (though tell him when you've sent the letter as I'm sure MIL will let him know!). If you're not happy with how the family handles slights then model some new behaviours, those which you would like your children to adopt.

Sorry, couldn't get back on again last night.
Toady and hettie- I've no idea why he's so scared of them. I suspect it might be that he did so much for them in the 10 years before he met me e.g like driving them around. I think he saw that they didn't drive and had been stuck in the town where they live as sign that they were helpless in some way. And because he hadn't had a girlfriend before, the tantrums hadn't occurred before. Hettie- I think you're right about "questioning their goodness". The thing is that he started off 13 years ago, admitting that they got things wrong. Now, he's almost "re-written history" in his mind. It's almost like he tells himself/believes what his mother has said about me at these tantrums, so that I become the person responsible and deserve to be the receiver of the tantrum. E.g, that's why their "tantrums" have become "disagreements" in his mind. And what's really beginning to get to me, is that afterwards, it's not like he shows any appreciation towards me for playing at "happy families" and not mentioning their behaviour to them. It's like he "expects" me to do it, almost like it's my job.

Lady Muck- it probably is a bit that what she said was thoughtless. I don't know why DH told her I'd been given a test and I have been putting the fact he told her, to the shock of everything that happened that day. I didn't tell my Mum I'd been given a test, and just feel that that it was something to do with my body. I pointed out at the time to DH, that if my body was "open house" for his Mum, could I discuss something private about him with my Mum (e.g. like his sperm count!) I think it's just that on top of what she's done in the past (the tantrums) and the expectation by DH and the ILs that I'll just forget everything and play at "happy families", it just crossed a line. She's also a bit of a gossip as well, and I really think it was something she could pass on to DHs sister. DHs view, is a bit like yours. He said that I must tell my Mum private things. But the difference is, she's my Mum. MIL most definitely is not!

We have a similar imbalance in terms of what we discuss with our parents. I wouldn't tell my parents when we were undertaking IVF, but dh would tell his. Ditto as I was in labout dh's mum got a blow by blow account - mine was phoned when ds1 was born.

It sounds as if you would prefer to be more private? Perhaps talking to your dh and setting out the issue in terms of what you need, rather than listing it as something awful that your MIL is doing, you may get a better response. Perhaps talk to him and explain that you wouldn't tell your mother something so personal. We often go into relationships with our own parents as a model, and you both have very different models. It shouldn't be a question that one ir right and the other is wrong, but you need to identify those areas which for you are no-go areas.