DP - our future in theory, but no action. Time to call it a day?

[helloyounglady]

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we have lived together for 1.5 years. He's 29 and I'm 28.

We talked about buying a home early on. We both have enough money to buy, and could buy on our own (though somewhere much smaller, obviously). We would send each other property details while at work. DP also said about a year ago that he 'couldn't wait to marry me,' and makes references to that regularly. I have started to get to the point where I am actually ready for the reality of this. I am also concerned that we are wasting money, (a lot of money) on rent, for no real reason as we both have the ability to buy.

I have begun questioning DP's sincerity with saying he wants to marry me... he increasingly travels overseas with work voluntarily - he elects to do so - (3 weeks at a time, almost monthly this year), and when I ask outright about marriage he says 'it will happen,' but it very vague and almost jokey about it. It doesn't make me feel great. My DP is also 'concerned' about buying somewhere together as he came out the other day with 'I always thought I would buy alone first.' This came as a surprise to me... we had discussed buying a lot, and he apparently wants to marry me at some point...so to me, that doesn't add up - does it to any of you?

I have begun to feel a bit messed around and it has caused a few arguments recently. I have said that if he doesn't want to commit and keeps travelling overseas, how can we start a proper life together? His response is that he loves me and wants us to work, but nothing really changes. He still works away, still no proposal and no real drive to find us a home. I am worried that I am being impatient perhaps, but then I feel frustrated that he would make these plans with me and not action them. My friends tell me that he is the type of person to not want to commit for a long time, and I'm starting to wonder if that's true. I know he;s not old, but surely at 29, you start to think seriously about your relationship with the woman you want to marry?

As a result of feeling frustrated and left alone a lot of the time while he is away, I have taken it upon myself to buy my own place. I viewed somewhere yesterday and really like it. My DP does not know about this yet, because I wanted to know how I felt when looking round. I now think it is something I would be happy to do alone. With my DP away so much, I feel like I have to do this, but it also makes me question the future of the relationship.

Are my feelings/suspicions/annoyance fair here do you think? When he says he loves me and wants us, how does that add up to his seeming lack of commitment? Is he just the type of person who will never settle down?

Thank you!!

Go for it, but don't pit to much emphasis on his travelling. It's his career, and he's investing in it. It involves travel and that is the reality.

Buy your own place. You will always have it as an asset later. Both DH and I owned our own homes before we married. They are now part of our pension plans!

You're his 'will do for now' by the sound of it. If you can afford to buy your own place then go ahead - and get on with your career rather than putting it on hold for him. Basically, enjoy his company and the sex and the rest (if you do enjoy those things: if you don't, then just dump him) but make you the focus of your life, rather than him/The Relationship.
If you want to have children and a longterm partner, you've still got plenty of time, but it's not a good idea to get into the mindset of trying to chivvy a man who is dragging his feet: you might be able to coax/bully/nag him into committing, but you will then get it thrown at you in every post-wedding row that it was you who wanted to get married - and he may use that concept to justify having an affair or two or just disappearing further on down the line.

SGB has some brilliant advice.

He's going places, and wants to keep you as a 'maybe' option.
Definitely buy the house.
Good Luck.

I think he needs to be given a deadline - vague talk isn't enough when you have no signs that he means it. And if this house is what you want to buy if you are going on your own then make that the deadline - if he says it's not long enough for him to make up his mind then suggest it is plenty of time given he brought up buying a house and marriage years ago, if it doesn't feel like enough time he should have been more careful about what he said and getting your hopes up. If it was all rubbish and saying what he thought you would like to hear with no real commitment then you would like to know that very quickly. The one part I disagree with is the working away - if that is part of building his career (and I know many jobs where this is the case including mine and my husband) I wouldn't want to put my career into a slower lane by 'choosing' not to do this as often. You may be making that choice for yourself but I don't think you can ask him to make it also, and this should be completely separate from the commitment (marriage and joint property) discussion

Just curious about one thing. Why do you post the same problem under different names, then when someone recognises you and says you have posted before, you disappear only to pop up again under a different name, and the same thing happens? Your situation is so clear that you will get the same answer each time, but I wonder why you never come back when people ask if it is the same issue.