When a loving man turns into an arse...why?

[ginandtonicnan]

What makes a nice, loving, attentive man, turn into a complete arse?

I dated someone for 2 years. He was amazing to me for the first 18 months. Then shortly after that, he became quite selfish, and outright nasty. Ie. if we fell out, I would try and sort it out and he would be completely off with me, and cold and difficult, short with me.

It seemed that the nicer I was to him, the worse he became. Granted, we had some difficult circumstances in the relationship with jobs towards the end of the 2 years, but I handled it in a way where I wanted us to be ok, whereas he turned into an utter prick. He would ignore my calls and not speak for days at a time, and be off with me etc.

Anyone have any experience of this? Their fault, or maybe mine?

I'm about to start dating again and don't want to meet this kind of man again..

IME it's when they no longer want to be in the relationship but haven;t got the balls to end it. Instead they act like such twats and grind you down.

When a new romantic interest appears ?

did he hook up with someone fairly quickly after you...If so, I would put it down an overlap and him devaluing you in his own head to justify cheating

something like that ?

It sounds like the infatuation wore off for him. Some people think that infatuation is love, so they stop making the effort when the relationship has become comfortable.

Tbh it's hard to tell how people are outside of infatuation. If you watch carefully how men treat people in general and be wary of their idea of love then you can avoid those on a feel good high.

That seemed to be the case here, but I am worried in the future I will be taken in by one of these types of men again.

It's the way in which they can be so brutal, nasty and vindictive at the drop of a hat, having never had any idea that they had it in them...seeming to be SO lovely from the start.

I don't expect them to be perfect when the relationship ends, but I'm talking quite nasty things being said and a complete reluctance to act like an adult.

Agree with Ctrl. Don't blame yourself it sounds like you did everything you could to make the relationship work.

missquerty that is a good idea...looking at how they treat others rather than me from the outset.

I have had this exact experience. I've been dating someone for nearly two years, he has always been loving and affectionate and attentive. The one day he just became cold and distanct, shows me no affection. He gets annoyed whenever I want to talk things through, either that or he just doesn't talk to me at all. In the space of a month or so I've gone from getting lovely "good morning" texts and texts or a phone call throughout the day while he was on a break in work and long, lovely conversations when he got home (he lives most of the time at his parents) to not hearing anything from him at all until around 11pm when he sends me a text to tell me he's going to sleep. I've told him if he doesn't want to be with me he should just leave but he says he doesn't want to break up with me. I honestly don't know what it is, maybe it's a male thing? I know I've not done anything to bring about this change in attitude as all I ever do is for this relationship. It's frustrating and I totally feel your pain, when you spend so long with someone you expect to not have to deal with this kind of thing. And it's not like you can predict how a guy is going to be further down the line. Just be cautious with the dating, maybe tell guys what you are looking for so they know what kind of relationship you want.

When a new romantic interest appears?
Oh yes, when their head's turned and probably their penis so in their head they turn you into some jealous, nagging, irrational, frumpy girlfriend which gives them licence to go off an explore other orifices.
(Bitter - moi?)

Lily, that's not a male thing, it's an arsehole thing

don't make the mistake of minimising his bad treatment of you because he is male...you deserve respectful treatment just as much as he does

I reckon he has his eye on someone else but is too chickenshit to end it. He hopes he can drive you to do it, so he can preserve his self belief as a good guy

Dp has a friend who wants to leave his current relationship, he says he's waiting for an argument as apparently it's better to break up that way, so I would imagine that in the meantime he is being cold and distant while waiting for this magical argument (that will presumably make it look like it was all her idea?). He's over 40 btw. I don't think there is anyone else involved though he is the sort who always talks about shagging other women.

Dp has told him to stop being a twat, man up and end the relationship if that is what he wants to do.

I have experience of guys doing that sort of thing, making things seem so bad that you're the one that ends it. Just immature. I expect some women do it too.

Well, I think the general options are: interested in someone else and too cowardly and lacking in manners/human-kindness/decency to just end it and brain tumour. Mostly I tend to veer towards number 1. Please try to screw up your courage and end it. I know it is an awful headfuck.

Sorry, I see you are not in the relationship! Hooray!