I have been thinking this through for a while and would like other peoples experiences / thoughts /advice.
I was married for 10 years, with my exh for 19 years in total. I was 17, he was 18 when we got together.
I left him a year ago for various reasons (officially divorced in January) that I wont go into on this thread, but I have never regretted the decision and I know it was the right thing to do, even though last year was very, very hard.
I have been friends with a guy at work for about 2 years, we dont work together at all in our day to day work lives. We got/get on well .
Anyway, we have been seeing each other since the autumn, it started out sort of casually after a night out with mutual friends and as the months went by, things have settled down and we still get on very, very, well. I didnt want to jump into anything quickly and he knew right from the off about my situation (being friends beforehand, he knew what was going on when I left my exh). I so wasnt looking for a new relationship but it has sort of crept up on me.
I have 2 DDs who are 8 and 5. Since the split last May with my exh we have done 50-50 from Friday after school to the following Friday drop off at school. I was scared my DDs would take it badly but it went really well, they accepted that things were different, I have always been up front talking about the situation in a matter of fact not too heavy on details, I was more scared for them but they have adjusted really well to a new life. Of course there are blips, but nothing out the ordinary and with 2 children, they are to be expected : changing to a divorced parent 1 week on/off with each parent is a huge upheaval for them, but Im very proud of them for they way it was taken.
My boyfriend (I hate that word) has met my DDs a lot since January as he helped me do lots of work before moving into my new flat in February, at first we were just friends and he was helping me out painting and stuff (official version for DDs !). They accepted this and gradually he spent abit more time with us, going out on the bikes, coming over to watch a dvd or have tea with us. Nothing too heavy - at Easter we all went to his parents for an egg hunt as there were lots of other people they seem to have accepted that now we are more than friends, I call him my boyfriend and they seem very accepting though I am aware that this may not actually be the case.
DD1 is very hard work and he makes a real effort playing games with her helping her on her, but not actually forcing anything, letting her take the lead. He gets on better with DD2 who is much more spontaneous and though it sounds horrid, she is much happier and easier to live with. DD1 has always been hard though. I feel guilty guilty guilty thinking that my boyfriend doesnt like her, even though I have no reason to believe this at all. I think I just put myself in his shoes reverse the situation and try and think like him. We have talked a lot about this and he feels like Im projecting my feelings on him, forcing him to feel a certain way with her. He says he want to get to know her because he knows my children are my life butI feel disloyal to my DDs bringing someone in to their lives, even though he is someone who loves me, respects me and trusts me and is not afraid to treat me like someone who is wonderful this is a first for me. We have agreed to take things slowly and that is just what we are doing..
So, my life has changed so much in the last year, so why do I sometimes I have these terrible panic attacks, feeling that I cant control everything, and am just drowning in responsibility (and debt as financially things are hard). They hit me at the most strangest times, I feel like Im hyperventilating and drowning, and just dying and cant cope, even though I clearly am.
Even though all these changes have been instigated by me and have been positive things for me. I just never saw myself as a divorced working full time mother. I have seen a great psychologist who really inspires me and she has helped me understand a lot about me, my decisions and to learn to live with them.
But the next step frightens me, even though Im not sure what the next step is. And why Im frightened. A new life, that is happy, terrifies me. Have you ever turned your life around and not known how to really accept it, embrace it and stop living in fear? If only the panic attacks would stop.
Not really sure what Im asking, just wanted to get it down.