Need quick opinions

[Thaigal]

I've posted on here about my ex before, he's supposed to have the kids every other weekend but always expects me to do the travelling, I have done this for over a year and at first was willing to still do one trip either picking them up or dropping them off but now I've decided that he should do both, my reasons are:

1. He never even phones them during the 2 weeks inbetween visits, would it really hurt him to put himself out for one weekend out of the fortnight?

2. he's an ignorent sod, ignores me in the street, takes the piss out of me and looks down his nose at me, so why should I help him out?

3. My car is not on the road now until christmas so why should I mess around dragging the boys out on busses in the freezing cold when he could just pick them up in car?

4. It's HIS weekend with them! surely it's his responsibilty to pick them up and drop them off?? hardly too much to ask when he doesnt see them for 2 weeks at a time?

Anyway he has just text asking what time I'm taking the kids to his house so I text back and said "I'm not, you'll have to pick them up" so he said "we don't have enough petrol to do both trips (but they can afford a sports car), he said I should take them on bus.

Who is in the right here? We have just been to taekwondo this morning so my son is tired as it is, I have to travel around with them for 2 weeks at a time, why shouldnt he on HIS weekend?

I just pointed out to him that when i had the car I was expected to do both trips whether I had the petrol or not....am I in the wrong? please be honest, I can take it!

The buses run in both directions - why can't he come and fetch them on the bus if he's got no fuel for his ridiculous car? I think you're quite right, he obviously only wants to see them if it involves no effort for him.

i don't have any personal experience of this, but your husband sounds like a selfish twat.

but then i'm not in your situation or his.

why can't he get the bus over to pick them up?

Say your not and if he wants to see them he will have to put petrol in the car or get the bus.

Because as tribpot rightly pointed out, he only wants them when it involves no effort on his part. And yes he is very selfish.

My DB sees his son every fortnight and he collects and delivers back - and his ds mum moved about 40 miles away (then he moved 40 miles in other direction!) so 160 mile round trip. Not sure how they came to this arrangement though - it was not an amicable split and they don't speak. Your ex sounds like an arse and he should collect and deliver and it should be his pleasure!

well, the solution's pretty obvious to me - he doesn't see the kids this weekend.

i know this may put you out as you probably have things planned etc, but if he can't be arsed to see them then that's his problem!

and when his kids grow up they can ask him why he couldn't be bothered to get off his behind and see them once a fortnight?

how old are they, by the way? is this likely to upset them?

My step-dad used to drive to London (from Nottingham) every other Friday to pick up his three kids when they were too young to come by train (hilariously, my older step-bro is now 40! How did that happen!) and then drive to London and back again on the Sunday, and that was on top of working a c. 70 hour week.

The kids are 7 and 5, they are all ready and sat waiting for him I'm so angry, I wish he would just say "I don't want to see the kids anymore", it would be more honest and would make life much easier.

I've just text him to say "if you're not coming let the kids know as they're waiting for you" and he's not even replied. Remember I'm not "allowed" to phone him so looks like we're going to be sat waiting for his lordship to send a reply.

The boys will be upset if he doesnt come I think I feel guilty (on their part) but I'm sick of people thinking I'm a doormat, I've been more than helpful so far since he left.

How awful for you - and them of course How can people be so thoughtless and cruel to their children?

Think maybe you should draw up a 'contract' stating what you expect from him and what he can expect from you with a copy for you and for him. Do you get any support/back up from his parents?
Could they have a word as it's their grandchildren which are suffering...?

I'd take them out this afternoon and if and when he turns up - tough! He sounds a sh!t.

hey - how's it going? did he show?

think the contract is a good idea...

gOD,WHAT A SELFISH WANKER.

I think Moondog has summed up what I was thinking pretty well!

Thaigal, you are right. I wouldnt let it stress you out. If he can afford a sports car then he should be able to afford the sodding petrol to go in the thing.

Thanks for all the replies x

He did turn up eventually, at 4:10pm!! not much point at that time!

Anyway before he came he sent a text message saying "next time, if you can't drop them off ASK me to do it the day before"....ask?? in capitals..the cheeky sod, he acts like he's doing me a favour having them! I'm sure he see's it as babysitting for me rather than HIS contact with them.

I remember having problems with the ex-wife collecting my dsd etc and the solicitor advised us that it really was seen legally as the asent parents responsibility to both collect and return children for their contact visits. regardless of whether they were paying maintenance or not!

I would put something in writing to him advising that you are not able to help out in this way anyomre etc etc etc etc.

HTH

I'd send him a text back saying:

"From now on, please assume that every weekend the kids are to spend with you, you are to come and pick them up and drop them off like a proper father would do automatically. I'm not your taxi service. Thanks for understanding. XXXXX"

God almighty. The cr*p some people (including me) put up with. Why are we all so obliging? Bunch of suckers sometimes, aren't we?

we consulted a family law solicitor recently as my dh's ex is witholding access in exchange for money.

that aside, the solicitor said the the mum had no obligation with regard to facilitating collection/drop off.

ie: our responsibility to get them.

we have asked in our letter that she bring them to a pick up point about 20 mins from her - just as it's a mainline station so a bit easier for dh to get to without doing a 4 hour round car trip.

if she won't then she won't and we'll just have to wear that.

but, we are really hoping to go to mediation and get something formally sorted and hopefully that will make things a lot easier. altho even if we go to court the ex can still choose to make life difficult for us.

i would strongly recommend mediation, also that you are well within your rights to insist he pick up/drop off.

but i would also say, you don't have any rights whatsoever to withold access. be it for financial reasons or otherwise. access is independent of money or whether your ex is a complete arshole who wishes to make your life a misery by being obstructive and unreasonable!!!

having said all that, if you do withold access even if your ex has a court order there is little that can be done to enforce it!

really hope that you get to a workable solution for all concerned soon.

You should email him back saying in future you will expect him to collect them so can he make the arrangements to do that. Add that it was his choice to move away (if he rather than you moved). Legally couples can agree what they like and sometimes a contact order might even say who pays particularly if one earns more than the other or it was one side's fault they m oved away. Some couples meet half way. He should travel in my view at his expense as you have them all the rest of the time but make sure you give that to him in writing and by email so he can plan his finances, take on extra work and sort out his time accordingly well in advance.

I don't think you should be dropping them off and collecting them every time. My friend's ex husband runs rings around her. He wouldn't let he asked her to put the child benefit in his name so that he could get a council flat by saying he had his daughter full time(they had joint custody after the divorce), which he didn't, then he wouldn't give the child benefit back (she had to go to court), he still pays nothing towards his daughters up keep(CSA no use!) although he went on holiday to Thailand and got his daughters name tattooed on his back. He wouldn't let her mum take her out of a bad school in a rough area of London as it was near his house(he sees her every other weekend and never picks her up from school). My friend went to court to get sole custody(£15000 in costs)and moved to a better area. She still had to keep her daughter in the old school near his house for 9months and travelled one hour on the underground everyday to get there. One his weekends she would drop her daughter off(hour journey) and collect her and now that she has moved a bit closer to his house again, she still drops off and collects. He now sees his daughter for one day in the week too, although he changed their day from Wed to Thurs a few weeks ago because she had a teacher training day off school on the Friday and then he wouldn't have to get up and dress her(not take her) to school the next day. Until she was awarded sole custody he wouldn't let her go abroad without his permission and he frequently refused despite knowing that she has to go abroad alot for work and would want to take her daughter in the holidays. There are some real monsters out there. I am sure it is there way of still exherting some control. Good luck, I really think you should put your foot down and let him share the load. Meditation is a good idea, if he will turn up.

i love winkywinkolas text message idea !

AGREE WITH MOONDOG.

Why should you do all the running. They are his kids too and normal, decent father would walk to the ends of the earth for their children.