Chaos!

[Genericman]

My mother (65) has recently started a relationship with a man from america (63) and it's become a disaster for me and the rest of my family. She has fallen out with myself and my elder sis because we really dislike this man. They met on a online fan club forum and got talking to the point she asked him to come stay with her for 6 MONTHS! even do two of my younger siblings still live at home and don't know this man from Adam. Well it started of terrible he is racist red neck who called my younger sister's boyfriend a n***! she hates him but has to stay in my mothers home she can't afford to leave. My mother has fallen out with my elder sis and i because we defended are younger sis over this racist remark but it's no use she thinks it's a cultural thing and we need to just like him cause she thinks he is a 'nice man really'. I'm so disgusted with my mother over this i know she wants a man in her life she has been widowed for 3 years. And there has been many more run ins with this man he even wanted to fight with me because i defended my sister leaving a message on my phone trying to defend his reasons for saying what he did but then calling me a coward and i found out my own mother was in the room when he sent this to me i'm so ashamed of her to the point i don't want a relationship with her anymore. any advise welcome.

How long has he been here so far? Because if it's over 6 months, a quick call to immigration would sort this out.

Your mother is an adult, and entitled to make all the bad decisions she likes. You don't have to continue contact with her if her choice of companion is so disreputable.

How old is your sister who lives with mum?

He does sound vile.

And I would like to assure your mother that, as an American, I would be very offended by someone using that word. It's not cultural as you know it's nasty racism.

The man sounds awful but it's her choice and the rest of you should grow up and get your own accommodation sorted out

And I would like to assure your mother that, as an American, I would be very offended by someone using that word. It's not cultural as you know it's nasty racism.

Same here. I would not say that word, and I'd be reluctant to associate with anyone who did.

My sister is 28 but had to move back home after break up last year. He's been here 5 months so far. I have of course got my own home for over 10 years so i'm not involved in their day to day relationship.
I never had a problem with her moving on her last husband was a step father to me i loved that guy it's not a jealousy thing from me or my family he is like my mothers personal guard dag ready to fight her own children because we disagree with his behavior and choice of racist remark about my sis black boyfriend all because she fell out with him.

Sorry OP but your mum is older enough to pick her own boyfriends no matter how unpleasant they are to you (and would also be to me ) however your sister doesn't 'have' to live with your mum after breaking up. she chooses to because she wants to/ its cheaper than renting/its more convenient.. but your mother does not have to house her at 28 yrs old. she has a choice, stay in your mother's home and keep out of her affairs, do not engage or get into fights about her life choices, or move out.

Could you help your sister move out?

I don't think you can change either your mum or her choice of boyfriend. I think you can go NC with your mum but that leaves your sister - could she stay with you?

and I completely disagree with patchwork about putting up with his behaviour although can see the wisdom in suggesting that at 28 she surely has options to leave. No-one should have to put up with racist abuse in their own home.

Could your sister not move in with you for a month ?? clutching at straws

I wish she could move out my mothers and she did in the past she lived with my elder sister for a year it's not so easy this time she is very reliant on are mother she has learning difficulties and they are very very close so it's a total mess. They seem to be ok this week but it won't take much for a flare up. my interaction with this man was she kicked my sister out and she stayed in my home for 2 days i rang my mother to ask what the hell is going on with what he said about her bf and was told yes he called him a n*** i said no wonder my sis flipped on him then my mum started to say how wonderful he was and that it was because he was drunk.... so i ended getting into a argument about him, little did i know he was listening in on the conversation between me and my mum and he started saying my sis is a (lying dirty dog) when she wasn't. then he took the phone of my mum and started on me saying i should respect him and i'm a coward and should see him face to face i,e fight. So since then i just want to avoid both my mother and him. It's a mess.

How significant are her learning difficulties?

Does she have a social worker?

He's been in the UK for 5 months? As it's unlikely he's been given anything other than a 6 month Standard Visitor visa, it's probable he'll be leaving in a few weeks' time.

If he's not gone by the end of next month contact Border Control to report an overstayer and tell them he's an alcoholic racist who should be regarded as an undesirable alien.

When you are reliably assured he's airborne, cut your dm's landline wires, put her laptop/tablet/mobile phone in the washing machine with the cycle set to 'boil wash', and have her mail redirected to your address

On a more serious note, point your dm in the direction of this board as it may be that she's funded all, or a considerable portion, of his extended vacation and she may be sufficiently deluded enamoured to be considering marrying the twunt.