It just doesn't feel right

bettyboop1975 · 2015-05-27T20:54:56+00:00

My stepdaughter and her child have moved into my home so she can save for a deposit to obtain her own home (mortgage) I am doing this for free, my stepdaughter now has a boyfriend but other than coming in for a cup of tea or an odd meal I do not want him staying overnight, my husband has left the marital home some years ago but I have always got on with my stepdaughter so I happily agreed to let her and her child move in to help her on her way, she doesn't see the problem with him staying over but it's my home am I being unreasonable??? Would love some advice

cheapskatemum · 27/05/2015 22:02

Your house, your rules.

ALaughAMinute · 27/05/2015 22:04

Unreasonable?? I think you're being incredibly generous!

I think you need to put your stepdaughter straight about a few things!

Cabrinha · 27/05/2015 23:58

Well, it is your house your rules, ultimately.
But sounds like she's going to be with you for some time? If saving for a deposit.

What is your objection? Do you not like this boyfriend? Or just feel uncomfortable having a stranger in the house? A moral issue about premarital sex? Or just don't want sex when you're in the house too, full stop?

Even though you're doing a kind thing for your SD and if she doesn't like it she can leave, I don't think it's really cheeky of her to want him to stay over.

As I said, ultimately your house your rules. But you like her, so I think it's worth thinking about whether you could make it work.

trackrBird · 28/05/2015 00:24

I don't think you're being unreasonable. There's no reason you should have overnight guests in your own home, whom you have not invited. This isn't her decision to make: it's yours.

Can she not stay with him overnight, instead?

mrstweefromtweesville · 28/05/2015 00:28

You don't have to have anyone you don't want in your house. I do think its cheeky of her if she's asked and been told no, but is pushing. If she wants sex, she can go to him. Would you babysit?

FolkGirl · 28/05/2015 00:31

Whether I personally felt you were being unreasonable or not would depend on the reason for you imposing this rule.

But yes, ultimately your house, your rules.

AlfAlf · 28/05/2015 00:34

I think you are very generous.
You need to feel comfortable in your own home, and I can see how having a man you probably don't know very well casually staying overnight is not conducive to that.
Has he stayed over already without discussion?
How long has she been staying, and how long have you known him?
Can you just say "I'm not comfortable with him staying over at this point in time"?
If she wants to spend nights with I'm, why can't they just stay at his?

SelfLoathing · 28/05/2015 00:35

Is this a serious question?

She's living with you rent free. That's enough to say "my house, my rules". Hell if she were paying, you could put "no overnight guests in a contract."

But it's not just that. She's in a parent/daughter relationship with you to all intents and purposes.

What you say goes. If she doesn't like it, she can f*ck off. The fact you have to ask about this on a message board suggests you have low self confidence and weak boundaries to be honest. And I'm in a glass house on that one so rarely throw stones.

pictish · 28/05/2015 00:38

I think it's reasonable for her to expect to have her boyfriend stay the night tbh. She's an adult and to be in a relationship is normal.

I also agree that it's your house so what you say goes.

If I were her I'd find an alternative because I couldn't be doing with living like that.

FolkGirl · 28/05/2015 00:39

I don't know, yes the op is doing her a huge favour, bit that doesn't entitle her to go on a power trip, for example. The SD is an adult. So yes, I'd still reserve judgement until I knew the reasons why.

Cabrinha · 28/05/2015 00:49

We don't know that the SD has been cheeky about it - only that she doesn't think it's an uneeasonsble request.
Neither do I.
As long as SD has asked politely and not been rude about the refusal, she's done nowt wrong.

My daughter's a fair bit younger, but in principle I rather like the idea of her having a boyfriend to stay, to feel comfortable about that with me, and for me to meet him too. But not if he was an arse!

HirplesWithHaggis · 28/05/2015 01:12

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You have been very kind and generous to your DSD allowing her to live with you for free, but that doesn't mean she gets to invite any Tom, Dick or Harry into your home while you sleep.

If you're willing to babysit, she can stay at his, or they can book a hotel room if they're desperate for a shag. But you have the right to feel comfortable in your own home, having a shower in the morning, going to the loo in the middle of the night, having a sofa/pj day etc without some random bloke (no matter how lovely) popping up at the same time as your breakfast toast.

Eekaman · 28/05/2015 01:16

You are dead right OP.

When the stepdaughter is paying her way and doing her things, then she can do it any way she likes, until then, it's your call...

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/05/2015 01:36

While of course you shouldn't feel pressured to have someone staying in your house if you're not comfortable with it, I can also see her perspective, as an adult (which I assume she is, if saving to buy a property) of wanting her partner to stay over.
I guess how willing you are to compromise your needs, will hinge on how much you like having her/ her dc in your home, and want to advance her happiness, possibly at some expense to yours if you don't like having him there. What I am trying to express, badly, is that I believe there are no absolute rights or wrongs here, you both deserve to be comfortable and happy.
I would give a bit of thought to your future relationship with your stepdaughter too - if she is someone you like/love (as it sounds like you do,letting her and her dc live rent free in your house - very kind, in my view!), then do you want to upset her by limiting her freedoms with regards to her relationship?
I hope,for all of you, that a compromise can be reached where you all feel happy, and stay friends!

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/05/2015 01:37

While of course you shouldn't feel pressured to have someone staying in your house if you're not comfortable with it, I can also see her perspective, as an adult (which I assume she is, if saving to buy a property) of wanting her partner to stay over.
I guess how willing you are to compromise your needs, will hinge on how much you like having her/ her dc in your home, and want to advance her happiness, possibly at some expense to yours if you don't like having him there. What I am trying to express, badly, is that I believe there are no absolute rights or wrongs here, you both deserve to be comfortable and happy.
I would give a bit of thought to your future relationship with your stepdaughter too - if she is someone you like/love (as it sounds like you do,letting her and her dc live rent free in your house - very kind, in my view!), then do you want to upset her by limiting her freedoms with regards to her relationship?
I hope,for all of you, that a compromise can be reached where you all feel happy, and stay friends!

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/05/2015 01:37

While of course you shouldn't feel pressured to have someone staying in your house if you're not comfortable with it, I can also see her perspective, as an adult (which I assume she is, if saving to buy a property) of wanting her partner to stay over.
I guess how willing you are to compromise your needs, will hinge on how much you like having her/ her dc in your home, and want to advance her happiness, possibly at some expense to yours if you don't like having him there. What I am trying to express, badly, is that I believe there are no absolute rights or wrongs here, you both deserve to be comfortable and happy.
I would give a bit of thought to your future relationship with your stepdaughter too - if she is someone you like/love (as it sounds like you do,letting her and her dc live rent free in your house - very kind, in my view!), then do you want to upset her by limiting her freedoms with regards to her relationship?
I hope,for all of you, that a compromise can be reached where you all feel happy, and stay friends!

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/05/2015 01:38

While of course you shouldn't feel pressured to have someone staying in your house if you're not comfortable with it, I can also see her perspective, as an adult (which I assume she is, if saving to buy a property) of wanting her partner to stay over.
I guess how willing you are to compromise your needs, will hinge on how much you like having her/ her dc in your home, and want to advance her happiness, possibly at some expense to yours if you don't like having him there. What I am trying to express, badly, is that I believe there are no absolute rights or wrongs here, you both deserve to be comfortable and happy.
I would give a bit of thought to your future relationship with your stepdaughter too - if she is someone you like/love (as it sounds like you do,letting her and her dc live rent free in your house - very kind, in my view!), then do you want to upset her by limiting her freedoms with regards to her relationship?
I hope,for all of you, that a compromise can be reached where you all feel happy, and stay friends!

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/05/2015 01:38

While of course you shouldn't feel pressured to have someone staying in your house if you're not comfortable with it, I can also see her perspective, as an adult (which I assume she is, if saving to buy a property) of wanting her partner to stay over.
I guess how willing you are to compromise your needs, will hinge on how much you like having her/ her dc in your home, and want to advance her happiness, possibly at some expense to yours if you don't like having him there. What I am trying to express, badly, is that I believe there are no absolute rights or wrongs here, you both deserve to be comfortable and happy.
I would give a bit of thought to your future relationship with your stepdaughter too - if she is someone you like/love (as it sounds like you do,letting her and her dc live rent free in your house - very kind, in my view!), then do you want to upset her by limiting her freedoms with regards to her relationship?
I hope,for all of you, that a compromise can be reached where you all feel happy, and stay friends!

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/05/2015 01:38

While of course you shouldn't feel pressured to have someone staying in your house if you're not comfortable with it, I can also see her perspective, as an adult (which I assume she is, if saving to buy a property) of wanting her partner to stay over.
I guess how willing you are to compromise your needs, will hinge on how much you like having her/ her dc in your home, and want to advance her happiness, possibly at some expense to yours if you don't like having him there. What I am trying to express, badly, is that I believe there are no absolute rights or wrongs here, you both deserve to be comfortable and happy.
I would give a bit of thought to your future relationship with your stepdaughter too - if she is someone you like/love (as it sounds like you do,letting her and her dc live rent free in your house - very kind, in my view!), then do you want to upset her by limiting her freedoms with regards to her relationship?
I hope,for all of you, that a compromise can be reached where you all feel happy, and stay friends!

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/05/2015 01:39

While of course you shouldn't feel pressured to have someone staying in your house if you're not comfortable with it, I can also see her perspective, as an adult (which I assume she is, if saving to buy a property) of wanting her partner to stay over.
I guess how willing you are to compromise your needs, will hinge on how much you like having her/ her dc in your home, and want to advance her happiness, possibly at some expense to yours if you don't like having him there. What I am trying to express, badly, is that I believe there are no absolute rights or wrongs here, you both deserve to be comfortable and happy.
I would give a bit of thought to your future relationship with your stepdaughter too - if she is someone you like/love (as it sounds like you do,letting her and her dc live rent free in your house - very kind, in my view!), then do you want to upset her by limiting her freedoms with regards to her relationship?
I hope,for all of you, that a compromise can be reached where you all feel happy, and stay friends!

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/05/2015 01:41

Sorry! Clearly felt so strongly I had to post 9000 times! Odd, given the ambivalent nature of my post!

Joysmum · 28/05/2015 01:50

Your house your rules.

Charge her rent but save it and put it towards her deposit.

Original poster

bettyboop1975 · 28/05/2015 09:07

The only 'rule' I implemented when this arrangement started was no overnight guests to which was agreed, I want to be able to leave my bathroom in my underwear if I feel like it, the reason I think she feels ok to 'Bend' this rule is the fact that I know (not very well) the boyfriend so she feels he isn't a stranger to me, but in saying that it leaves the door open for the next overnight guest if I relent if this relationship doesn't work out as many of hers don't! I suggested a hotel room but it's very expensive where we live, it's also not an option to stay at his parents as it would be frowned upon, thanks for all the advice guys I'm going with the my house my rules she's a grown woman and will have to sort this situation out herself as I'm not going to beat myself up about this anymore as like many have said in this thread I am already being extremely generous.

OP posts:

AlfAlf · 29/05/2015 09:25

I want to be able to leave my bathroom in my underwear if I feel like it

You see, that's exactly how I would feel. Having a man staying over willy-nilly would make me feel uncomfortable in my own home.
I can appreciate their predicament, especially as he's living at home with his parents and they feel similarly...but if you're living in someone else's house you have to respect their rules. To be blunt, that's the price of not living independently.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2015 09:28

She's an adult . . . who can rent her own place if she wants her boyfriend to stay over on her own terms.

YANBU.