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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel about this man - would you stay?

48 replies

whatsyourgir · 27/05/2015 20:07

How would you feel if the following happened in your relationship, throughout 2.5 years:

You moved to live with your DP to take a job where he lived, and over a year later, you get a new job (much, much better one with a lot of extra pay), and your DP refuses to relocate because it would increase his commute to 45 minutes, up from 20 minutes, and he wouldn't be able to stay at the same gym as his friends?

You discuss buying a place with you DP, only to find out that he has booked house viewings behind your back, with the intention to buy alone?

You find that he spoke to friends/family about an overseas work opportunity, before speaking to you, on the basis that he 'didnt want to upset you until it happened.'

At all times, your DP was loving, cooked for you, cleaned the house willingly, paid for more than his share of everything, de-frosted your windscreeen each morning in winter on his way to work, bought you surprise gifts, went out wherever you fancied at the weekends, etc. Ie was in all other ways kind and considerate.

Would you stay?

OP posts:

SylvaniansAtEase · 27/05/2015 20:52

Hello again.

He's still a knobcheese.

You're wasting your one good life with a man who is essentially a selfish user.

Leave.

Momagain1 · 27/05/2015 20:52

whats that is an odd question to ask whereis.

It suggests you have the old fashioned notion that any partner is better than none at all. There are dozens and dozens of threads in relationships that demonstrate how untrue that is. From men who obviously were bad choices but the OP thought they would improve, to guys whose red flag warnings were ignored, to previously decent men who lost their decent status in middle age. Or sooner.

Yours is a non-physically abusive version of the second type. Just because he isn't cruel, or abusive, and is sweet on a day to day basis, you keep thinking he really is The One, despite him giving you every single warning of long term disinterest and unsuitability. You keep ignoring the evidence.

Viviennemary · 27/05/2015 20:52

It seems like he doesn't think he will be with you in the long term. He is carving on his own future and not consulting you which isn't a very good sign for a permanent relationship. I wouldn't walk out immediately but if a job opportunity came up I'd apply. Same as he has booked viewings and thought about moving abroad.

goddessofsmallthings · 27/05/2015 20:53

Is he the one whose dm is continually encouraging him to embrace the single life and has suggested he buys a house with her?

If so, her voice is more important to him than yours.

If not, he doesn't want to commit to you and all of the seemingly loving things he does are merely gesture politics to conceal this fact

Regardless of how many times you post re-jigged forms of the same old, the advice won't change and you're best advised to stop fixating on him and start building a fulfilling life for yourself.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 20:56

op, are you actually listening ?

or do you think we are all wrong about this wonderful man ?

Original poster

whatsyourgir · 27/05/2015 20:59

i am listening.

i am scared if i end it i will deserve to be alone, because he is a good person and he is nice to me... it's just some of his actions (as described) have made me feel so lost and unhappy and insecure. but he doesnt mean to make me feel that way so maybe i should be trying harder. i am so confused.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 27/05/2015 21:00

You know, a relationship is supposed to leave you feeling loved, happy, secure, important, valued...

It isn't supposed to leave you feeling like there's a hole in the core of you.

A man at any cost is a dreadful waste of a woman's life. Trust me.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 21:02

he is making you feel lost and insecure by his actions

until you accept that, you will continue searching for just one internet stranger to tell you it's going to be ok

it's not going to be ok if you stay with him

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/05/2015 21:05

Easy. Let him take his job abroad, and you take your amazing new job here.
Then let fate take control. Chances are SKY HIGH that you'll enjoy your freedom more than you ever expected, and meet someone gorgeous and local.

Don't chuck your DP yet. Just leave it to the Gods.

silveracorn · 27/05/2015 21:07

'I will deserve to be alone' - you make it sound like a punishment. Being on your own can be amazing. It can be lonely at times but it can also be a chance to really live your life and try out new things, and also work out who you are, what your priorities are, and then, after that, what sort of man you'd be happy with.

Sounds like you need time alone, to get used to feeling happy and confident in your own company. As someone said earlier - you're not married, no kids, if you are asking these big questions, leave. You don't have to settle for someone who makes you feel second best.

Justusemyname · 27/05/2015 21:13

I'd leave. Love means nothing if it isn't backed up with concrete actions. Someone broke my heart once and years later they said actions speak louder than words. Ouch but he was right.

Yes, I met someone much much much better....

FlabulousChix · 27/05/2015 21:15

Agree with wallaby

BolshierAyraStark · 27/05/2015 21:18

How would I feel about this man-disdain most likely. Would I stay with him, hell no-I'm worth far more than to be some tossers make do

wallaby73 · 27/05/2015 21:23

I just don't see what is so confusing. The general consensus is obvious and yet it seems if just one poster says "hang on to him (whilst expiring in brontè manner on chèz lounge)" whilst 100 others say ditch, you will continue the hand wringing. I really don't want to sound cruel, you are clearly in distress, but he is not going to make you feel better. So you have too x

mrstweefromtweesville · 27/05/2015 21:23

I, too, recognise your description of this fellow. Do move on. He's sweet enough when you're there (loves his home comforts, no doubt) but he doesn't plan to include you in any of the major events of his life.

Senada · 27/05/2015 21:28

This is very familiar, I think I've read this post before?

CinnabarRed · 27/05/2015 21:30

With kindness - you need proper, professional help to deal with the end of this relationship and your low self-esteem.

Atenco · 27/05/2015 21:58

Well if he is going abroad and you are getting a new job in a nice place, you will be separating anyway, OP. Then you can both use that year to think about what you want.

Kvetch15 · 27/05/2015 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatriciaHolm · 27/05/2015 22:04

Why do you have to change when he's the one who's a twat?

You can't make him into a nice person, or one that loves you.

HellonHeels · 27/05/2015 22:09

You seriously need to rethink this relationship. He is NOT nice to you!

Gabilan · 27/05/2015 22:22

Err. OK. I'm not in a relationship. It's great. I have a good career, a nice place to live, good friends, I do what I want, when I want (well within reason, I don't break the law).

You do seem to have very low self esteem, and what little self esteem you have is based on being in a relationship. He's not actually nice to you. He's being nice on his terms, which doesn't involve any real generosity. When it comes to genuinely doing something for you i.e. moving to somewhere with a slightly longer commute, he won't do it. That's not kind, or nice.

You can try as hard as you like but I'm afraid he will not change. I speak from experience. I spent the loneliest year of my life in a relationship with someone. I wrecked my career for him. It changed nothing and I will always regret it. Being on my own is a huge improvement on being with the wrong man.

ratinkitchen · 27/05/2015 22:33

Ultimately it is your decision

It seems most of us think you can do better & that you should have some time alone, find a new job & a new partner - find someone who wants the same things as you ... "someone who is really into you" !

His actions speak louder than his words

He may do some of the little things like defrosting your car, but the bigger things that really matter he has disregarded you

He didnt move nearer to you in UK

He doesnt want to buy a house with you

He didnt talk to you about working abroad

I think he "likes you" but he is not "the one for you"

Only you can decide...

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