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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

anyone informed an ex's new partner about DV?

23 replies

TtipParty · 27/05/2015 18:29

I just wondered if anyone else has been in a position where a violent and abusive ex found a new partner and you felt compelled to warn her? Did you fear for your own safety if she left him because of your intervention?

OP posts:

Original poster

TtipParty · 27/05/2015 18:31

'she' and 'he' aren't meant to indicate that all dv is m/f, its just because I'm doing 10 things at once.

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 27/05/2015 18:36

A friend and I considered this; her ex wasn't violent but very controlling and emotionally abusive. However, the new woman was all loved up and would never have believed us, so there was no point saying anything. We watched the pattern play out again, and now we hear reports that they fight in front of the dc. Friend is ready to extend the hand of friendship when she leaves him, their dc are half-sibs, after all.

MyRightFoot · 27/05/2015 18:38

if i did that i know he would track me down and either kill me or maim me. if she has any doubts about him she can use clares law or google him which reveals a newspaper account of his vile attack on me. i would never put myself in his path again, however good my intentions.

Original poster

TtipParty · 27/05/2015 18:40

That's a really sad situation. I suppose that's part of my concern, that she wont believe me, and then again if she's got her head screwed on and does leave, ex might try to kill me again.

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Original poster

TtipParty · 27/05/2015 18:42

MyRightFoot, really sorry for what you're dealing with. With my ex, the police told,me id left it too long to prosecute so he wont show up in Claires law searches.

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CuttedUpPear · 27/05/2015 18:45

No but I have really wanted to.
I just had to let it happen.
Years after we split, 2 of XP's XP's have independently sought me out to tell me that being with him had been the most miserable time of their lives

HirplesWithHaggis · 27/05/2015 18:47

If telling would put you at such a risk, of course you can say nothing. :(

CotswoldQueen · 27/05/2015 18:48

I have an EA ex, who very nearly got violent. I see he is all 'loved up' with his new GF ATM and yes, I really wish I could warn her but she probably wouldn't believe me. We have mutual friends so in sure I'll hear on the grapevine if he's being an arse, in which case I may well extend my hand!

S0mmer · 27/05/2015 18:49

No but about five years ago I received a message through fb not from a real name, but a made up fake name that was like a play on words (itself a message). she sounded conflicted. Like she believed my x 's story that i was mad, bad, vindictive.... but she clearly wanted me to respond so that she had just a little bit more information to go on. I posted on here and was accused of being a troll and a drama queen. The thread just went pear shaped. In the end, I decided not to respond in the end because I thought it would get back to him and make him angry and she wasn't my problem.

MyRightFoot · 27/05/2015 18:51

aside from the threat from him, you really need proof. why should she believe you over him?

i have a recorded convo of him admitting to beating me up. he knows i have it and i like the fact he knows i could put the boot in to his relationships.

are you seriously concerned for his new gf or do you want revenge, or both?

Original poster

TtipParty · 27/05/2015 18:56

I don't know what my true motives are, I wish I could say pure altruism but a bit of both is probably closer to the truth.

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wynkenblinkennod · 27/05/2015 19:01

Mmmm, difficult one this. I reported my ex to the police and he was charged but was then found not guilty by the judge due to lack of evidence. But his gf sat in court and listened to what i had to say, and was then ok with that?
I think you would not be listened to and would be classed as a bitter ex, in my experience.

S0mmer · 27/05/2015 19:02

Myrightfoot that is terrible, stay safe. I hope there are peaceful times ahead.

Tipparty since you ask about your motives (which is honest and introspective) can I suggest that you have a touch of 'rescuer' /carer going on. Sometimes after an abusive relationship people get as far as removing themselves from the situation and that's good, and a huge step and not to be sniffed at, but they stall in their recovery by not looking inwards and focusing on caring for others or caring about others. This makes you a nice person obviously, that's not a criticism! I am only repeating what my psychotherapist said to me about five years ago. I was stuck in that caring for others point of my recovery, but I hadn't address the issues that had made me tolerate being treated so badly.

MyRightFoot · 27/05/2015 19:09

revenge is understandable but to act on that revenge takes you right back into a relationship with him. you need to be focusing on your future, its hard i know and im not totally there yet, but you need to actively work on getting him out of your head. are there any mutual friends who can speak to her?

MyRightFoot · 27/05/2015 19:17

thanks somer. i moved a long way away to stay safe as he continued to stalk me, police intervened and he has new gf so i feel more secure. but he loves conflict and a peaceful relationship with new gf will soon bore him. i guess thats when he will try to seek me out.

YvyB · 27/05/2015 19:42

I've no idea if my xp has a new partner but I reported him to the police (who were brilliant, took it completely seriously, made sure I was definitely safe etc.) to ensure that if anything happened to someone else and she got in touch with them, there would be a record and she could make her decisions with the knowledge that he had a history.

JoanHickson · 27/05/2015 19:46

They said he was the opposite and joined him in trying to destroy me and the dc. Then she was the sort who was happy to be an ow.

A psychologist told me the new partner was his Nemises.

Maybe innocent new partners may react differently.

DollyTwat · 27/05/2015 21:55

I found about about a new bf's dv through his dad. I'm fairly sure her mum had orchestrated it, the way I found out, possibly out of spite I don't know. So I asked him about what his dad had told me, and I eventually got the story out of him
He blamed her for winding him up, he was sorry for what he'd done (had her up against the wall by her throat) but she was responsible for it

I dumped him immediately
And I silently thanked her as I wouldn't have ever known otherwise as I really liked him

DollyTwat · 27/05/2015 21:55

*through his dd

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 21:58

Yes I told her - she told me I was a lunatic and she had cured him. Then said he didn't do it and asked me why if he was violent did I stay with him. I fear for the safety of her and the children - but there is nothing I can do about it. And similar to Joan - they both then set about trying to destroy me. It failed - thankfully. She was also delighted to be the OW - positively crowed about it.

DowntownFunk · 27/05/2015 22:19

Slightly different, but a friend of a friend told me that her ex who was now going out with my cousin had thrown her down a flight of stairs, among other disgusting, violent acts. I passed the info on and it made no difference. He said it was lies, cousin believed him, until a year or so down the line when he revealed his true colours to her. Very few people would get into a relationship with someone who started off abusive. When there are warnings the abuser manages to cover up citing "psycho ex" or "jealous ex".

It would be great if DV perpetrators had to have warning tattoos on the back of their hands.

HirplesWithHaggis · 27/05/2015 22:34

Well that's it, isn't it? They're all charm and sweetness to begin with, so of course the new woman thinks he's lovely. My friend's ex even manufactured a "family crisis" so he could look like a fabulous caring father, and my friend a crappy mum. :(

JoanHickson · 27/05/2015 22:46

Interesting, Thistle, the reaction from an innocent like Dolly and from an OW. They are still together and she is like his Mum and her Dad, and he is with comlany that approves of bad behaciour unlike with me, so a much better match for him.

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