Really tricky (and sad) situation with my mum

[catfishing]

There is a relevant back story here.

Throughout my childhood my mum was having an affair. When I was around 20 my parents separated and she eventually moved in with the man she was having an affair with.

I should say at this point she was a good mother, very nurturing and kind but slightly distracted sometimes. She continues to be very supportive and helpful with grandchildren etc.

Anyway she still lives with this man who has , over the years, become horrible. I would call him emotionally abusive towards her. He undermines and belittles her. He is pedantic, controlling in the home and moans. He and I are openly hostile to one another.

He does not control her contact with others or friendships and no physical abuse.

DM is aware this is all crap and I am so cross with her for not just leaving. she knows it is shit. Family and friends are becoming reluctant to spend time with them. she has no financial reason to stay and it would be so possible to leave.

I don't know what to do. It is hard, bordering on impossible, to speak to her and I don't know what to say anyway. Plus I also think "well you made your bed you lie in it".

would it be cruel to say " I am not visiting any more while he is around?"

I think that your feelings are natural and understandable.

I would say, "Mum I'd rather spend time with you just us and the kids... can we meet at X rather than at your house?".

Also, there comes a point were you just have to accept that your loved-one-in-an-abusive relationship is an adult. She has all of the information and means of leaving. If she chooses not to, you just have to accept that decision.

You could absolutely say that you will not visit their house when he is there

no one should be forced to spend time with someone they do not like or respect

I told my own mother this a few years ago when she complained that I don't visit. She made her choice a long time ago, so now I am making mine.

People often say well why doesn't she leave? when they see a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship.

But the point of the ea is that it erodes self-confidence, it confuses and chips away at self esteem so that the victim doesn't think they are justified in leaving, or could cope on their own. They also might be scared of the abuser's reaction.

I'd go with your mum to a woman's aid/da centre and get her to talk to one of their counsellors. It will probably take a few conversations before your mum will admit that she's actually frightened to leave because of xy and z.

But once she has then your support and encouragement will make all the difference to her.

Thanks for replies. I was worried I would be told to be more sympathetic. Feeling this intense anger towards someone is not good. So it would be nice to avoid the house to distance myself. My worry is I will miss out on family occasions and she lives by a beach so my kids have a lot of fun there. maybe my younger siblings will follow suite.

Dear Cat, it is reasonable and absolutely acceptable to say: " I am not visiting any more while he is around?"
The question is: is he around in their home all the time? If yes then as 'acia suggested meet somewhere else in another agreed place.
If I read you correctly you are still having problems accepting that she left your dad to be with a man that makes her miserable? The way you deal with this is by thinking : "well you made your bed you lie in it". I think that this does not appease you the least. It looks as if you would have liked to extract your mum from this man you dislike a lot. But you can't because she does not want to leave. Maybe at one of your meeting- when he is not around- try to talk to her about it. Tell her something like: I have seen how he treats you. Are you still happy to be with him?' If she says that she is happy to be with him then you will have to work on yourself to accept it- if not then you might discuss with her various options.

bunchoffives I totally get that and agree entirely but just cannot see that it applies to my mum's situation which I may be my problem. She is trained in all these areas, is a counsellor has good friends and I just think she knows she could leave if she wanted to. prepared to be told I am wrong but finding it hard to accept.

I am massively supportive of women in abusive situations. But to me that does not involve spending time with the abuser. In fact, by doing so I believe you give tacit support to the relationship.

You can still offer support to your mum without putting your own self in the firing line.

Catfishing, with all due respect you are wrong

It is often observed here and in dv services, that strong, educated, capable women are just as likely to be the victims of ea as any. And perpetrators are as likely to be educated, high status, respectable 'pillars of society'

Your mum's role as a counsellor is absolutely no bar to her experiencing for herself problems that counselling will help her with. In fact she will already be professionally bound to have a counsellor in place as part of her job. However, she may well not be raising the ea in that forum out of embarrassment.

I have first-hand experience of working in the prevention service of something I myself was suffering from and believe me it makes it a thousand times harder to admit and access help from people who are effectively colleagues. You may need to go right out of the area before your mum is comfortable in asking for help.

Also, bear in mind, as your mum no doubt she is shielding you from a lot of what is going on. She will want to preserve her 'strong mum' image for you and her dgc.

Thanks bunchoffives. I do appreciate having it spelt out. I think it may be easier for me to think she can't rather than won't leave.

Also I expect I am being naive in thinking he can be so nasty when I am there I am sure that he is not worse when they are alone.

CAT Good Luck! I can't help much as I do not know much about such sad situation. Just holding your hands.

I would absolutely expect it to be a lot worse when you are not there

What an awful situation. I won't add to the advice already given but wanted to say that if she's a counsellor then being in an abusive relationship will potentially be compromising her ability to practise.

This isn't exactly correct: In fact she will already be professionally bound to have a counsellor in place as part of her job

She doesn't have to have her own counsellor, though she may do. She does have to have a supervisor, with whom to discuss her work. She probably isn't mentioning this to them though.

Apologies, I should have clarified she is recently retired. Thanks for the messages of support.

Being nasty while you or other people are there sounds like a strategy for isolating your mum, actually.