Should I have ended this? I hate myself

[drowning12]

Please help me. I feel like I am drowning.

I am 28 years old and 2 weeks ago I broke up with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We were together for 3 years and lived together. Things were amazing, but over time I realised he wasn't honest with me about life plans ie buying a home and he wanted to change career etc. All things that we had discussed - essentially he would say one thing to me and then he would do another.

He told me when we argued that he did this because he panicked and didnt want ot upset me but was confused. I told him that's not an excuse - we argued some more and he would always agree that he shouldnt do that and said he would work on it. He did, but the residual effect was that I was quite mis-trusting towards him (I can be insecure anyway).

So eventually it got too much and I walked away. He works around 10 hour drive from where I live now, so it means we never see each other. I am regretting all of this now. I feel lonely and sad, and I feel bad because what if I didnt have enough patience? What if I could have been calmer? Should I have not talked about buying a home if it made him lie to me about it because he felt stressed about keeping me happy?

He did so many nice things for me and I loved him very, very much. He made me feel happy and safe. I feel like now I have called it off and I deserve to be alone because I was too hard on him.

I feel sick and my head is all over the place.

I think it's natural to feel that way after a break up with someone you truly loved. In my opinion, relationships shouldn't be so hard. Yes, there will always be rough patches but they should straighten themselves out, not become a constant recurring issue that makes you unhappy. It seems maybe you wanted different things but he was too scared of losing you so went along with what you wanted. That's not the right way to live, you should do things because you both want it, if you don't them eventually it will take its toll and the person going along with it will resent you for dragging them into a life they didn't want even though it's their fault for lying to you.

I think it seems you made the right choice, you aren't in the same place and you feel like you can't trust anything he says now. Of course it's hard when you first break up with someone and you start thinking was it me, could I have done something to change it? But the answer is usually as simple as, it wasn't working and it's best for both of you to move on with people who want the things that you do and will communicate with you. Communication is so important and lying and being dishonest is the beginning of a road to nowhere.