relationship honeymoon period.

[netint53]

Hello

Don’t really have masses of friends to talk to so thought I’d try this forum and get advice from a woman.
I have been with my new partner seriously for 2 1/2 years, started talking and met her online 3 years ago.

My background… I separated and divorced over 4 years ago, after a 20 year relationship, we just grew apart and my ex-wife had a fling and I lost trust, we are amicable and I have 3 grown up teenagers.

My new partner is very strong and independent, a hard working woman with her own business, she is also funny, a great mum and I have fallen in love with her, as she has me. After 8 years on her own she has let me into her life completely, kids, friends, family etc

I have even moved in now and I have bought into the house. I am the first guy she has ever introduced to the kids and says I am amazing with them. That this is the first time she feels she can depend on a man.

She has had 2 previous relationships and 2 children from them, when we first dated and got to know each other, she mentioned she had 3 blokes\fbuddies before she met me and one of them was a married man.. Which rang alarm bells, as when I asked her about it, she said she didn’t do anything wrong as she was single, it was a fling and it’s her past.. and she’s not in contact. I did mention about morals!

Now I know I shouldn’t and I regret it, but I have looked through her phone\email and its accurate what she says, apart from this married man is a supplier to her business, so she is in some contact, but on a professional basis, as far as I can tell they haven’t met since.

I think she met these men for her sexual needs as she has\had a high sex drive and nothing else, but when I try to talk to her about her past she just will not open up, refuses to discuss it and says her past is her past, and knowing about her past is my insecurities not hers.

Our honeymoon period is over and the sex is just not like it was, exciting, passionate, fulfilling… (From what I read from her email’s etc, it was full on sex with these men, but not regular) I had such a high sex drive and enjoyed our sexual experiences,

She said the first love of her life.. her first relationship screwed around and left as she was always at work the second relationship turn out to be a druggie and controlling.

I have reassured her that I am not like her past blokes.. I truly love her, care about her and will support her.. but I want a relationship where we can talk.. and want to spend time together.

She just say’s I moan all the time, that all I do is talk about lack of sex which is boring and off putting. and then she goes off on one, I’m sure she thinks I am week.. I end up walking out and then get abusive texts and eventually we make up. I have offered her to end the relationship if she feels trapped or not happy.

What she refuses to appreciate is that I moved in with her, a new location for me.. where I don’t know anyone and I’m trying to adjust, appreciate she has to share her space again, but she invited me in.

I guess when I look at her emails, I see past excitement with other men.. I get jealous, perhaps paranoid that she isn’t having that fun with me.. and will cheat..

I am insecure I guess but I am not week. But why does it feel like she is pushing me away at times?

I know I need to man up.. . I know she is very stubborn and headstrong but why treat me like this?

Don't ask why does she treat me like that, ask yourself why you are with someone you don't trust.

I didnt say I dont trust her.. I do..

I dont trust my insecurities, perhaps i have brought them into this relationship from my last..

I dont understand why i need to know every little detail about her past.

If you trusted her you wouldn't be trawling through her emails, surely.

You clearly don't trust her and when it is so obvious you don't need to type the actual words.

I have felt like you do before after reading emails my DP wrote to women way before we met.

It took a long time to see that I was the problem. Because of jealousy and insecurity I pestered him about his previous sex life and felt ours didn't measure up. In doing so he became withdrawn and not interested sexually. Eventually I realised my behaviour was rediculous and I changed. Now things have improved so much and sexually we are better then ever. You can't really compare the sex of a fling to a long term relationship either, totally different.

Missqwerty.

you are bang on the money..

I am the problem because of my past insecutiy.. and i do need to 'just get with it'.. as she says. I guess i am just missing the closeness at the moment.

I do trust her.. i am being nosey.. and I know its wrong..

i do respect her 100% and it must be a hard decision to let a bloke back into her life and share her kids.

weird thing she hasnt told her dad and stepmum that ive moved in.. she brushes that subject off

I don't think that is weird at all.

So who's got the higher drive here, you or her? You said her drive was high but now she thinks you moan all the time about lack of sex? Do you? That is a behaviour that is always going to create the opposite effect if ever there was one. If you have been moaning about it, I recommend you resist in future.
Often desire is strongly linked to respect and appreciation for the other, so she likely has to feel happy with your behaviour generally to maintain desire. There is nothing more than a turn off than someone you feel angry or resentful at. If you are asking lots of prying questions and won't let the past lie, plus invading her privacy, this is exactly another behaviour that is going to lose you her respect.
i have to be harsh here and say that if you behaved like that with me it would turn me off too, so I can see where she is coming from.
What you have to get is that it's not likely to be her past that effects your present so stop looking, it is a red herring. She is more likely to react negatively because of how you are presently behaving. As you are 'being nosey', unfortunately, you are just the sort of person who should not be knowing too much about the past because it will change the way you currently behave as you are putting way too much emphasis on it when your focus should be on the present and future. Too much knowledge can be a bad thing, now are you man enough to draw a line under it and move on before you kill all her admiration?

Not telling family about you moving in gets weirder the longer this state goes on. How long have you been co-habiting?

Nothing to add as I recognise some of your insecurities/paranoia over "the past". I have to make a conscious effort not to ask as my partner, like yours, will not discuss it and gets angry. So I am keen to learn from this thread too

When we got together we both had a high sex drive.. but as time as gone on, honeymoon period, work pressure life etc her's isn't as high anymore.

I dont demand sex.. never would. but i do like a healthy sex life with my partner, i think its important.. I also get that talking about it is a turn
off

thanks for your reponse Smorgasboard. it does ring true.. I do need to draw a line.. her past doesnt bother her, so why should it bother me? like i said.. moving a guy in.. trusting me with her children can't have been an easy choice.

in terms of co-habiting.. 3 months fulltime, but been living with her for about 7 months 5 days a week,

her brother knows I've moved in and I'm sure her dad isnt stupid. as i'm always around..

she brushes it of as its not that important in the grand scheme of things.. for me i thing it strange... I think she thinks her dad wont approve that ive gone on the mortgage with all the hassle of her ex..