Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Going round in circles

20 replies

IreallyKNOWiamright · 27/05/2015 10:02

so - another issue.
dh leaves work phone at home- rings out for ages about 4.15 yesterday
I think his voicemail was full on this occasion so I felt obliged to answer it with the constant ringing.
it was a client he deals with who he hasn't told me about. A woman.
She seems desperate to speak with him but what I find odd is that despite me being his 'wife' she didn't trust me to leave a message and said she would phone work.
There are other things that don't match
he told me at last minute he had a meeting that evening
he wanted the car but unfortunately I had plans for that day
when I asked what the woman wanted he was as the woman was not wanting to tell me. So I say well anyway she has done a good job on your projects.
He then went silent and has not spoken to me since. And I heard him crying in the night- when I asked him at 2am what was wrong he said he was 'pissed off' with me. And quite cold this morning too.
I don't know what to do because he is so cagey about his work life. And whenever I make the effort to talk with him about it or ask about people particularly the women he gets very defensive and yet he wants me to trust him. I am starting to feel that maybe we are at the end of the road if we cannot talk in a decent manner about work, and he pushes me away all the time not wanting me to be involved.

Am I reading too much into it or do you think his reaction to me speaking with this lady is slightly suspicious?

OP posts:

midnightvelvet01 · 27/05/2015 14:06

Yes its suspicious.

If you cannot trust him then you cannot have a relationship with him.

Women from work do not ring constantly & sound desperate to get hold of him having not previously rung him at work. The crying, blaming & silence is suspicious too, he's doing something that he should not be doing.

Get the hell out OP, sorry

RagingJellyBean · 27/05/2015 14:11

What does he work as? Why do you particularly ask about the women involved with his work?

This is all a bit weird, why is he pissed off at you for telling him a woman did a good job on his projects? I just don't get it, why would that make him cry?

As confusing as this is, it doesn't sound good OP.

Original poster

IreallyKNOWiamright · 27/05/2015 16:53

Hi sorry not to reply sooner , I have been out all afternoon.
He is a manager in the public sector.

He is becoming more involved with things that are not involved on his job description. Including an invitation to dinner at the house of commons. Which I found even more odd because it's not as if he is a election candidate and it's nothing to do with him.
I want to trust him but his behaviour and refusing couples counselling still bothers me - he either wants a successful marriage or not -seems he has more of a relationships with his colleagues then me I feel really alone and empty. Several friends have told me I deserve better. I agree but I am quite traditional in my morals and want it too work out because I made my vows. I guess if I went to a solicitor for advice they would tell me that the refusing couples counselling is probably a deal breaker??
I ask about other women because sometimes I feel he is interested in them more, because they are the working sexy woman and I am the stay at home boring wife. I get told I am attractive and other men would be interested but I want him to be interested.
I feel we have grown apart a bit because he is interested in his job and being 'top man' more and more. And it's pushing me away.

OP posts:

Iheartprosecco · 27/05/2015 18:14

Might the woman have been a girlfriend? Could she have dumped him when you answered the phone as his wife?

Could that be the reason he was crying?

ALaughAMinute · 27/05/2015 18:54

It all sounds highly suspicious to me.

He wasn't happy that you spoke to the woman was he?

What are you going to do now? Are you going to talk to him?

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 19:08

He sounds like a strange sort of person even without the suspicion of cheating

is this how you want to live ?

TheSilveryPussycat · 27/05/2015 19:42

Solicitors don't give that kind of advice, why would you think they would?

magoria · 27/05/2015 19:50

He then went silent and has not spoken to me since. And I heard him crying in the night- when I asked him at 2am what was wrong he said he was 'pissed off' with me. And quite cold this morning too.

This isn't a little suspicious at all. It is damned weird and strange. I can only think the woman desperate to get hold of him didn't know he had a wife and isn't very happy now she does.

Sorry I think your relationship is over.

Morals aside life is too short to live your life like this. You won't win any prizes for staying as long as possible in a miserable relationship.

I don't think solicitors will give a monkeys about couples counselling. Seeing one doesn't mean you have to use them. It just give you information which you can decide to use or not.

I also suggest you get a complete STI test.

Original poster

IreallyKNOWiamright · 27/05/2015 20:03

I recon there was possibly the start of something or it has been a few weeks /months of it as she only started working for them this year. She doesnt even live in our town, lives miles and miles away. He has a rule he only adds people who have left work on social media and funnily enough liked her page a couple of weeks ago. I looked on her websites and she has done nearly SIX projects for him in a space of a couple of months I recon. I found that odd too and obsessive.
I think there has definitely been something going on because I found a receipt for a cafe he has never taken me to lunch to around november time on our bank account. He made up the excuse he had paid for some journalists to have lunch there and claimed back but I don't believe one word.

If i am honest no this is not how I want to live, I want someone to support me emotionally, and mentally. I have been through a lot in my life, given birth to his child despite warnings from medical professions. And I don't know how long I can be with someone who is not proud to be seen with me at work functions or out and about, despite what I have been through.

But then I remember the good times, and his good side, and wonder if I will get anyone better. Are there better men out there from what I read on here I don't know.

My next step is to take my friends advice and buy a recorder to leave in the car the days he has meetings. She says, they can record for hours, and if I find anything then I have 'concrete' proof.

Tonight, he is being sweet as anything, to try and cover up whatever mess I have uncovered.

OP posts:

magoria · 27/05/2015 20:08

You don't need a better man.

Be happy with your life, your DC and yourself.

A good man is a bonus not a necessity. Plus they take up half the bed/duvet.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 20:30

yes, there are better men out there

alternatively, be single for a while

it's got to be better than this

do you need a man ? Really ?

Original poster

IreallyKNOWiamright · 27/05/2015 20:31

and now he has just gone off on one accusing me of reading our 'family' computer emails when I haven't even looked for ages. I mean FOR Fuck sake why be so suspicious even with the family computer. we can't be open about anything. supposed to be having a break away in a few days, am wondering if I will regret booking it now.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 20:31

Tell hi to take his sweet talk and shove it up his arse

he is manipulating you

he knows it...you know it

very sad

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 20:32

go away with a friend and freeze him out

he is head fucking you, and you are lapping it up

Original poster

IreallyKNOWiamright · 27/05/2015 20:41

he doesn't like it I am standing up for myself. He knows I know what he is playing at because I am 'not' reacting to him and arguing back, I didn't when he told me he was pissed of last night - I went back to sleep.
I am just giving him quick short 'whatever' responses. He is hating it and I think this is a reaction.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 20:44

he will consider your little rebellion of minimal consequence if you simply don't confront and let it all get brushed under the carpet

not talking to him is not the answer

itwillgetbettersoon · 27/05/2015 20:57

I can remember my stbxh crying one morning. I thought he was hangover and ignored him. Days later I found I he was having an affair. It all sounds suspicious. But you do not need evidence. If you are not happy it is ok to end a marriage. You will be ok.

LaBette001 · 27/05/2015 21:15

There are other possible interpretations:

the woman ringing repeatedly could be working with him on a high stress project & need to get hold of him urgently.
the crying could be stress related - perhaps he's drowning at work and doesn't know who to turn to / tell
you found a receipt for a cafe and see that as evidence of him being with a woman???? Could he not have just been to a cafe? Journalist sounds very plausible
he worked on a number of projects with the same woman? Ok... People often work on multiple projects together it's easier than finding new people over and over. Honestly don't think if he's public sector he could be hiring his girlfriend over and over again.
you found it odd that he got invited to the House of Commons for a dinner because he's not an election candidate??? Plenty of public sector workers (and others) go to dinner at HoC

Look OP perhaps he is having an affair or not supporting you / valuing you - but really none of the above is cause to think he's cheating, or at least cheating is one possible explanation of many.

In the kindest possible way - It actually sounds a little paranoid and makes me wonder if you're feeling shitty about yourself and worrying about stuff that's not happening.

I know how that can be because I've done it myself

Original poster

IreallyKNOWiamright · 27/05/2015 21:23

thanks.:-) I thought it was unusual for him to cry at all let alone over something stupid as me answering his phone for him. I answered it because he had a meeting and I thought it was one of the important people trying to get hold of him.

and we end up with this. A can of worms opened. My friend said she thinks its so suspicious how he has reacted, seriously she should come on here and be on this board giving advice. She said because I said he couldn't have the car, he left her a message to cancel meeting up, and she was desperately trying to get hold of him about it and that is why she wouldn't leave a message for him with me because it would let the cat out of the bag!!!

I will take not of this as with the other things. Another day as well as the receipt he even left his wedding ring at home. He has never done that before.

OP posts:

Original poster

IreallyKNOWiamright · 27/05/2015 21:32

thanks LaBette
that makes more sense.
but there have been so many things lately, I think he is a ladies man at work and enjoying it, and is becoming resentful of me.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread