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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to do- stbxh and new bf?

11 replies

HopelesslyDevotedToShoes · 27/05/2015 08:09

I've namechanged for this, don't want it to be searchable as my stbxh tows my mumsnet moniker.

Me and ex split a few months ago, he still hasn't accepted the split and expects that we will get back together. I do not want . I still talk to him, it's amicable, but he has some mental health issues and can be irritable and sometimes quite mean.

I have started a new relationship with a very close friend of mine and it is fantastic. We have so much in common, we laugh together and he just makes me feel happy, which is something that was lacking in my marriage. I realise this is rather quick etc and we are taking it slowly, in fact nobody knows about us yet and we aren't sleeping together as yet.

I'm sick of keeping my relationship secret, but for stbxh sake we have been very discreet when going on dates etc. I'm concerned at what he might do if he found out. However, this cannot continue indefinitely and I shall at some point soon have to deal with this.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to go about this? Any help at all would be gratefully received

OP posts:

Bambino1234 · 27/05/2015 08:15

Is your new bf happy to keep it secret ? Surely it would be better to get it out in the open sooner rather than later ?
Do you have children with your ex or is it just a clean break other than divorce etc ?

Hassled · 27/05/2015 08:16

What do you think your Ex will do when he finds out?

I don't see that there's any rush to tell him - you say you've only been split for a few months and that he's not accepted it yet, so just give it time. Hopefully he'll work out that things really are over fairly soon, at which stage the new BF revelation might not be such a massive deal.

Cabrinha · 27/05/2015 08:27

If your XH still thinks you're getting back together, serve him with divorce papers?

Original poster

HopelesslyDevotedToShoes · 27/05/2015 08:33

He is very vulnerable emotionally and I'm concerned he may do something to himself. I still care about him, I just can't be married to him anymore as it was affecting my own health and happiness.

We have no children together so it's a clean break. It was an amicable-ish split, he wasn't happy about it and showed as much but he moved out without any fuss (it's my house) and has been mostly reasonable.

New bf is happy to keep I secret if necessary, but we would like to tell our friends as it's kind of hard going out with them as a group and not getting to act like a couple. I won't tell anyone until stbxh has been told though, he will be first to know.

for the replies

OP posts:

Original poster

HopelesslyDevotedToShoes · 27/05/2015 08:36

Cabrinha I have served divorce papers alread, did that about a month ago. He is disputing as he doesn't want to divorce

OP posts:

CycleChic · 27/05/2015 08:38

He is very vulnerable emotionally and I'm concerned he may do something to himself
This is not your responsibility.

Littlemonstersrule · 27/05/2015 10:00

Given you are still married, he could serve papers for adultery so he may then be willing to proceed.

It might be your house in name but in marriage its a joint asset so you will need to release his share.

Original poster

HopelesslyDevotedToShoes · 27/05/2015 10:02

I do realise that Cycle but despite not wanting to be with him, I do actually care about his wellbeing I don't want to push him over the edge, he is seeking help through counselling and on antidepressants now but still very vulnerable

OP posts:

Offred · 27/05/2015 10:04

Yes, how he handles reality is not your responsibility. Of course you can feel sympathy and worry for him but don't allow it to dictate your life now you have left him.

Probably the right thing to do lies somewhere in between not allowing him to dictate how you behave in your new relationship and not being overtly provocative. However, given you have split up it is fundamentally none of his business whether you are in a new relationship or not.

Original poster

HopelesslyDevotedToShoes · 27/05/2015 10:04

It's a housing association house, and I am the tenant, he has no right to it at all.

Tbh I'd be happy to sign papers for adultery, I'm just not sure how to proceed with telling hhim and unsure if this is the right time

OP posts:

Bambino1234 · 27/05/2015 10:28

I don't understand why he would be of the opinion you may get back together if you've told him it's over and he's gone ?!
If there are no children involved then you've no obligation to him particularly other than marriage.
Have you been apart for long ?!
Perhaps it's best to tell him rather than you worrying and him being in the dark ?
Would who your boyfriend is have an effect on his reaction ? Like a boss, close friend etc

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