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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure what to do..

4 replies

rebellove · 26/05/2015 19:16

We're having some behavioural issues with dd2 5yrs (almost 6). I don't really think that the behaviour is anything other than typical for a child her age (although dd1 wasn't like this at all). Dh is not handling it very well and basically becomes all stressed and 'teenager-like' when she starts. A typical scenario tonight at the dinner table - She drops some of her food on the floor. Neither of us saw it happen but she says it was an accident - he implies that it wasn't. She becomes very upset and runs upstairs then later says he was shouting at her. He gets angry and says he is sick of being accused of things he hasn't done and as a result tells her that she cannot go to football as planned tonight (she went in the end after we had words).
Last night she was told not to do something but began to argue about it. He ended up storming off. He has form for this behaviour although it has got better (I thought) over the years. He's hot-headed.
I feel like I'm on eggshells at times - trying to keep the peace. He's mostly great with her but it's worrying me that he can't seem to respond like a gentle, adult parent at times when she's 'misbehaving'. I'm worried that she's going to feel stressed in her own home. She has a very delicate, sensitive personality and doesn't seem to have made close friends at school.
I'm not sure if I've posted this in the right place but I'm worried about dd and I feel my relationship with dh is at risk if he carries on like this.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 26/05/2015 19:47

Have you spoken with him about this? I mean in general, not just immediately after a specific incident. Does he need a "refresher"?

holeinmyheart · 27/05/2015 08:27

You are absolutely right to be concerned about his behaviour. Your DD is just a small child who is learning how to behave from you and your DH.
A child should be treated as you, or anyone else would like to be treated, that is with respect. ie who likes being shouted at?
Both of you are responsible for her emotional wellbeing and have one go at her childhood.
I think you know all this and that is why you are posting. So how to prevent him from behaving in this way as he is potentially damaging her. ? She is not and adult, he is, so he needs to change his attitude as he was PROBABLY treated like this when he was a child.
Is there anyone who he will listen to? He really needs counselling in anger management. But he probably won't agree to this unless you threaten him with something serious such as leaving him ( you have already said that your relationship is threatened by his behaviour) if he doesn't get control.

What about contacting a HV and asking her to come and explain to him what he is doing is detrimental?
You could also show him the responses you get here.

rebellove · 30/05/2015 07:53

Sorry for late reply. Thank you for your advice. We've had some good talks about the situation and things do seem much better.

OP posts:
mommyof23kids · 30/05/2015 10:59

Both of you presenting a calm united front together will be good for her. Talk to your dh and agree that you will back him up if he remains calm. She sounds quite smart actually so you may be able to move towards discipline that is more talking/discussion based. She will feel listened to and it will be easier to do together.

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