Relationship with yourself

[LazyLazy]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I spend a lot of time reading this board so thought I'd see if anyone has been the same...?

I have a DD who is 3. I split from
Her dad about 2 years ago. He was emotionally abusive but I feel like I have recovered from the marriage.

I have a boyfriend and feel pretty content in the relationship.

I have great family and lots of friends and an active social life.

I work from home. I run a little business and although sometimes money gets a little tight, I do OK.

My problem is whenever I am on my own...it's like I check out from everything. I don't DO anything but sit and perhaps browse the internet. I go to the shop and buy cigarettes, when technically, I don't smoke anymore. I sit here and think about nothing really and smoke and drink tea. I have a to do list as long as my arm but can't seem to motivate myself to do anything until I am dangerously close to a deadline and then have to work through the night.

I'm annoying myself. If I got
My shit together my business could be so much more. I feel like I am wasting everything by lack of motivation. When I am with DD on a day off, I feel like I'm not making the most of it.

Today, she is in nursery and I had admin I could be doing and also wanted to sort things out for a Carboot sale.

Instead when I got back from dropping her off, I went back to bed and have done precisely nothing. I'm so frustrated with myself. How do I turn this round. It's been going on for nearly a year.

Well it is hard realising that "this is it", this is adult life. you have made & are responsible for a child, for at least to her majority. You can no longer walk away, or go home to M&D & forget reality.
I suggest that meeting some friends & talking, seeing doctor & talking & generally TALKING will help a lot. You are at home, you work from home, it sounds like you are a sole parent.. So stuck in this place which it seems doesn't make you happy, or inspire you, or motivate.

So, you do need goals, ex. if you tried harder, you could pay a cleaner? or go on holiday, or pay a babysitter & go do some kind of activity; gym, swimming, zumba, flower arranging, who cares as long as you get out, meet people, enjoy yourself & breath.

ps. if you don't have much money, buying cigarettes isn't going to help !

I am you...I have a half finished book and run a business from home which could be something if I tried....but instead I potter, browse and sit about drinking tea. Watching with interest!

mix I don't think its that easy to 'try harder' in these situations.

If the OP is experiencing anything like what I've experienced, there is a lot of trying hard going on, but when it comes to 'me' it just seems like too much hard work. Motivation evaporates when its just me. It's like a piece of me goes on strike.

Well. I was inspired enough to do (wait for this) five minutes of abdominal exercises! Boy did I feel it. Five minutes :( It's shocking that I found it so hard. But I aim for a repeat tomorrow. It's five minutes more than I have done for a long time.

Also marking place. This could be helpful.. will be back later to post properly

I have this. and I have come to the conclusion that it is paralysing guilt. occasionally I have managed somehow to drop the guilt and felt so much happier and productive. somehow I don't know how to get there again. does this make sense? How guilty do you feel, OP?

I noted my moods throughout a month as some days are productive and other days I just can't get motivated. They link really closely to my period!
The week after my period I can get loads done and usually quite focused . The week before my period, everything feels too much and I can not be bothered.
The difference in knowing this is I give myself permission to be a bit crap knowing that in a week or two I'll be productive again. Somehow knowing this stops me feeling rubbish when my energy is low. Anything I achieve in that low time is a bonus.

i would keep a diary on your moods for a month or two. Make no judgement about yourself just note your energy and productiveness . Are there any patterns?

could it be depression?

I'll also come back to post properly later but I just noticed the thread was on front page again and had a look and well...

Thanks for all your comments

faffette you just seemed to knock one nail of many nails on the head...guilt

It crushes me. Guilt for the things I'm not doing. Guilt for things I do, or have done. Guilt for my DD and the fact I left her dad. Sometimes I'll go to a meeting or even a night out and when I get home I even feel guilty for something I've said that might not have been quite right. I've never thought it stops me from getting anything done though, but I just have that feeling all the time. I don't know how to get rid of it.

I don't DO anything but sit and perhaps browse the internet . . . I have a to do list as long as my arm but can't seem to motivate myself to do anything until I am dangerously close to a deadline and then have to work through the night.

Oh yes. I am with you my friend. You are in The Dark Playground.

Read this and feel like you have come home:

waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

I don't know how to get rid of it either but in the rare occasions it had lifted the relief was incredible! my problem is with things I do for me like writing or learning an instrument. I feel under such pressure to do it, even though it is for me, that it blocks me!

I hate my procrastinating - I'm trying to change.

I'm an expert on procrastination - could write a book about it but would never get started...

I have done quite a lot today so far (for mms). Carrying on now after forty minute break.

Thank you Thedarkplayground, God, that analogy is amazing, I spend a lot of time in the dark playground, (much of it on mumsnet)! It is so true. I don't get round to doing stuff unless they're screamingly urgent - and sometimes not at all! I am that person to a tee. I am going to work at it a bit,now I have an idea of what the hell I'm doing!!, I really didn't get if before but it's as if a mirror has been held up to my life. I could achieve so much if I just got round to it!

Oh jeepers - I too am in the dark playground and God do I give myself a hard time over it - feel a bit better to know that it isnt just me!

Thank you Thedarkplayground, God, that analogy is amazing

You are most welcome Squeegle. I couldn't agree more. If you have an instantant gratification monkey, then it's like coming home to read that. It was the bit about the panic monster that got me though! So true.

It helps a bit to know you aren't alone. I really want to buy a cuddly instant gratification monkey via that site - but have resisted. I don't think it's good to glorify your weaknesses in that way...

Haha, that site and merchandise is hysterical - I was just looking at the poster of signposts in the dark playground:
< looking at all 1200 Facebook photos of high school person you were never friends with adventure volcano>
Nope... Wouldn't dream of it ... You'd never catch me wasting my time doing that!?!?