Am I being unfair to dp?

[Fedupftm]

NC cause I think dp knows my other name.

A bit of background, been together 6 years, have one dd ( 6 months old) who was a total suprise pregnancy. First month dp was brilliant at home, hands on with dd and no issues. Then his dad passed away and it all went to shit. I took over all baby duties as he was struggling to come to terms with losing his dad and looking after his mum/gran etc.

That was 5 months ago. Since then he has done fuck all with dd. I Do every night feed and get up every morning with her. He's here half the time and half at his mums to help look after her and I know he's battling depression so I've tried to go easy on him.

Am I being bang out of order for expecting him to get up with her some mornings so I can get a lie in? I'm poorly at the moment ( because im so run down) and the tablets I'm on are making me drowsy yet instead of being here to help me he's gone off wth his mates and won't be back till late if at all tonight.
Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this? ( I know this isn't AIBU!)

The last time I pushed for a lie in i got called a cunt ( tbf he did apologise by cleaning the whole house but still....)
Yesterday I popped out to see a friend and had to go home after 40 mins as she was crying her heart out and he didn't know what to do ( despite me trying to tell him how to resettle her and him claiming to know it all)

Feeling like its massively unfair that his life has hardly changed and mines been flipped on its head.

Please don't tell me to Ltb cause I wont. I want to work on this.

OK, some people (particularly on MN) do seem to have a total failure of understanding that quite a lot of people are utterly potty-mouthed. If you have a friend or family member like this you know perfectly well that for them calling someone a cunt is on the same semantic level as calling someone a wally or a pest.
And I do have a little more sympathy for this man than a lot of the useless partners discussed on MN - he's lost his dad and his mother is a PITA who can't be relied on - also, he has (according to OP) aspergers. However, he doesn't get a free pass to opt out of everything and have the OP indulge him completely. If he has aspergers, he understands rules, so it's probably worth instituting some ie OP gets the same number of nights out as he does.
And, though bereavement is horrible, six months is the absolute maximum a person should be allowed to use bereavement as an excuse for behaving like a shitbag and doing nothing to address the problem.

I think solid perhaps you are onto something with the rules thing.

I've done my best to let him do whatever he needs to do to come to terms with losing his dad. But im here too, and I also need a break. It's been a really tough 5 months if im honest.

Would writing him a letter help if talking may not be the best way forward at first? Or try the Relate method - one person talks for a bit about how they're feeling and how they have been affected by recent events, you go off and make a cuppa or whatever, and then the other person talks about their feelings. Then when you've each talked or 'said your piece' (without accusing the other!) then you can discuss how to move forward.

I do agree that he needs to be a parent and a partner, not just do thing a because you've handed him DD because you're so desperate for 10 minutes to yourself that you need to escape by having a shower. It is completely reasonable to expect a lie in after 5 months of doing ALL the wake ups and all the early turns. Jeez my poor FIL died two weeks ago and DH is ensuring I get enough rest to function because he knows life doesn't stop for grief even if you want it to. And before anyone jumps down my throat to say I should've letting my DH grieve I am - he's just not selfish. My mum died when I was pregnant and DS was born two months later. Still had to take care of him amongst all the emotions.

I really feel for you OP, and your DP too.

But if the people were potty mouthed as standard, why did they clean the whole house as an apology (as if they hadnt used the whole house or be part of a family that used the whole house) and why did the OP even mention it?
Surely an apology to the OP was in order, not to the house. Unlss of course it is the OP's job to always do all the cleaning.

It matters. And there is a whole host of difference between cunt as banter and cunt as abuse.

We had a similar problem when DS was born. Surprise pregnancy which I think was hard for DH to get his head around and then, not a bereavement, but a serious injury that rendered DH almost physically incapable, (couldn't pick up my son therefore couldn't bathe him, get him out of car, into bed anything at all, had to lie down most of the time, couldn't work). Was horrendous for him but also incredibly frustrating for me. And if I'm honest I couldn't shake the feeling that he was somehow hiding behind his injury to avoid helping and maybe even to engage with the fact he'd become a father. I'll never know if he was or wasn't but I felt like that.

It got better over time as he healed and our DS got older... And as he came to terms with being a father before he had planned to be. Think it was better by the time DS was 1.

Perhaps when your DP is over the worst of the grief (which can make people incredibly angry and say terrible things) he'll be more reachable.

It will take time and will be exhausting. Do you have family who can help you? Sometimes when I was too tired I would get a babysitter from 7-11 on a Saturday morning and just sleep. That was a godsend.

It must be terribly difficult for you, OP. However, I think some of the responses have been pretty hard on your DH. My FIL died when my son was six weeks old and like your DH, both he and my MIL were lost in grief. We also had two other young children. Understandably, much of his energy was spent in trying to support MIL. Of course I resented it at times but I knew that his actions weren't down to laziness and that it was a stage he was going through. Just a reminder that depression is an illness that will impact on his motivation and disposition; this seems to have been lost by some posters. Plus, five months is still so very recent. Can you get support from your family in the meantime?

I think if using the word 'cunt' was so normal to him, he wouldn't have felt the need to apologise and the OP wouldn't have felt the need to mention it here.