Separation from husband a real possibility and scared of possible repercussions of claiming any benefits!

[CatherineLewis]

Hi everyone this is my first post although I have been scouring the forums for advice for some time. I need some advice regarding mine and dh's relationship.

We have been together for 16 years (since we were both 16) married for 7 and have three wonderful kids together. For the last four years we've had it quite tough. Our ds was diagnosed as being autistic 2 years ago when he was 2years old and since then our lives have been turned completely upside down.

And without meaning to sound like I'm blaming ds because I'm not I can pinpoint the start of mine and dh's problems around the same time ds's behaviour became worse. We have been through hell and back and I'm now afraid that it has impacted us in a serious way as a family.

We are not the same people we were and where's we used to enjoy the little things and simple things in life now we seem to find it hard to find pleasure in anything. I'm definitely down, or maybe even slightly depressed but day today I can still carry on as normal without it impacting our kids but I'm not happy.

Our ds's behaviour has also impacted on our eldest two chidlren who are now acting out as they feel they get no attention as we are always dealing with our youngest's meltdowns and we are made to feel so guilty like we are the worst parents ever.

We never get any alone time as dh works Monday's to Friday 7-6 and we have absolutely no help from family except for once a year on our anniversary. We haven't slept together in five months and I've been sleeping on the couch most nights for over a year. My dh just muddles on but I can see that he's not happy and we've both gone from these happy content people to anxious and on edge, it's not good.

Anyway for months now I've been thinking that us staying together isn't good for us or the kids. We do love it each other but it's not the same, and most of the time we are are sniping at each other or when the kids are around we are trying to keep it in but then become stifled and mad, it's just a viscous circle. Don't get me wrong my husband is a good man and he loves our kids but I just don't think that's good enough anymore.

Like I said we get no alone time so never get the chance just to be us and because of this I think we are both feeling resentful. I'm a sahm and dh earns a lowish wage and despite promising to try and work his way up the ladder he is still in the same position he's been in for 10 years and has made no progression so is on a rubbish wage which angers me as i quit my job to look after our autistic son on the promise that he'd secure a better paid role but this never happened.

I've been thinking for months now about separating but worrying about the impact this would have on our chidlren but then also worry about the financial implications. You see if we did decided to separate then dh I expect would at first go and stay with his parents until he could secure a little house or flat of his own. I would have to put a claim in for benefits temporarily until I can secure some work and this makes me feel anxious.

The reasons for this is that I know two people who have recently been accused of benefit fraud. These people were proved innocent in the end but they went through months and months of hell. Basically one woman was a sahm and the other worked part time but when they split from their partners their partners moved back in with their parents. A few months passed and they both received letters from a compliance team accusing them of still being in a relationship with their childs father.

Now this in itself scares me, not because me and dh plan to concoct this elaborate split in order to defraud the government but because I know for a fact my dh would still expect to play an active part in our kids lives and I wouldn't want this to be misconstrued for something else.

Like I said dh is on a low wage but would manage to rent a flat or a small two bed House but I expect he'd move in with his parents temporality in order to raise a deposit. Which again this would make me feel guilty as I know dh's parents would let him stay but they would be overly happy about it as they've only just got rid of dh's younger sister.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling on I'm just so confused at the minute and I'm trying to consider all my options. Either way I know that I'm not happy, I know that dh puts on the act that he is but he's not deep down and I don't know what to do for the best. I don't fear being alone and i that dh would still see our kids regularly but I worry that if I claim benefits they will still think of us as a couple simply because dh seas our children regularly and will obviously have to come to my house for a while to do that. Oh I don't know, my heads up my backside, sorry to ramble on, I just needed to vent. x

So you don't want to claim benefits because you are worried about being accused of fraud? How ridiculous.

As long as he has moved out and doesn't live with you or stay the night then you are not being fraudulent.

And fathers don't need to come to the house unless they are picking up or dropping off - so what is the problem?

And why can't you look for a job now?

As long as he is staying at his mothers and your finances are separate and you can demonstrate that, then you have nothing to worry about.

It's not ridiculous, it is a genuine concern of mine. You only have to look on here to read about the amount of women being accused of still being in relationships despite living at separate address, it's quite scary actually.

And I can look for a job but only from January of next year. At the moment my son attends nursery but reduced hours, he does only two hours per day instead of the usual three. This is because it was decided at a multi agency meeting that this is long enough for him as any longer he finds it difficult to cope. It has also been agreed that my ds will attend school part time from Septmeber to January in order to ease him into school life. So for the next few months it would be extremely difficult to find a job to fit around these hours.

If he isn't living with you then there is no problem with fraud.

Unless he is still sleeping in your house and/or paying the bills you have nothing to worry about.

Ok, thanks for that. On the other hand one of best friend's sisters currently is still very much in a relationship with her partner, yet she purposely sent him to live with his dad so that she could claim benefits. She got reported but don't think anything happened but my friend has actually disowned her as she knows full well that they have manipulated their circumstances in order to claim more money, and to be honest I'm frightened in a way that people would judge us similarly despite the fact I'd know our sitsution would be 100% genuine.

Hi OP,

Not the question you're asking, but I do wonder whether separation is really the answer you're looking for. It sounds like circumstances are getting you down rather than a breakdown in the relationship itself.

Have you thought of any ways you could spend time together, just the two of you? Have you thought about going back to work yourself?

You're blaming your H for not earning more, but it may not be his fault - depending on the job he does, it can take more than effort and willpower to earn more.

Can you explore some ways to bring the relationship back to life before you decide to leave?

(Disclaimer - I'm not a "relationship at all costs" poster. I'm more of a LTB person myself. But you sound ground down by circumstances more than anything else. If your H isn't the problem, then leaving him isn't the solution).

you seem to be focussing on this above everything else!

Does your husband know how much you resent his salary and how you are planning to leave him?

Can I just echo biliomania, in that having a child with additional needs puts an incredible strain on a relationship. I would explore all options, including staying together as one. It will be very unsettling for all the kids, especially your youngest with ASD to go through the trauma of a separation...I know because mine have done it, and I would view that as a last resort.

Why don't you call relate and try and talk about it all. When I used them, they had some funding and my sessions were paid for as I was the parent of a disabled child.

It sounds to me like to desperately need some respite to spend time with each other, and with the other kids.

Rather than having their son to live with them, could his parents not support more if you explain you're in crisis?

I'm also not a relationship at all costs person, but you describe him as a good man who love his kids. You both sound tired, depressed and at your wits end being on the treadmill. I'd be looking to other organisations and charities for support before taking the drastic step of separating. You could also phone contact a family helpline for support, they have been very good to me in the past.

I answer to your question, just be upfront when you claim benefits you'll be fine. As long as he isn't living there, or paying for any of the property, I imagine you'll be fine. But I'm not convinced from what you've written that separating is completely the answer. It won't solve the difficulties you're having with the children, and it could well make then worse. I'm sorry you're going through this at least explore your options together x

A bit insane blaming your H for having a low paying job and not progressing.

The majority of jobs these days are non-progressing. Its a very rare thing - a job, where you move up and earn more.

The DSS are right about pursuing pretend single mums. At a guess, 30% of 'single' parents in my town actually have a live-in partner.

If your H has moved out, is getting all his post sent to the new address + has all his licenses and accounts registered at the new place then you should not have a problem.

Hello OP, I've been in your position too, having a child with special needs can make or break a relationship and its easy to grow apart.

Firstly are you certain that separating is the only option? Could you consider counselling and trying to find time to be together etc.

Secondly if you DO separate then make whatever decisions you need to for yourself and the children. I worked for a long time but it became almost impossible due to my son's needs and I ended up leaving long after the time I should have done. Living on benefits isn't great but it's doable if you are careful. It's also good to keep remembering that it's not forever and that as your son gets older you might well be able to fit work around home life....or not. It will depend upon his needs.

Thirdly, don't worry about your ex visiting, my exH is a lovely Dad to DS and we are able to be very amicable about things, he stays with us when he works in this area about once a month. Nobody has ever accused me of fraud, and ExH can prove he lives elsewhere as well.