contact court order for DS/DD 14 - advice please ladies

[greenberet]

hi ladies - i normally reside in Hobbits Bar but occassionally need advice from a wider audience.

My X is a twunt - I am in the early stages of court process for financials and he is now threatening contact order for kids unless I agree to what has been a trial arrangement by Wednesday. I have been suffering from EA through the marriage (didnt realise) and his behaviour has been nasty since although he is v clever at making it look as though he is the victim in all this.

There has not really been an issue with contact other than now I am reinforcing boundaries that I feel have been too slack and because he does not like this he is going with "court order". I talk to the kids he doesn't - they are already not happy that our future is possibly in the hands of a judge and he knows this - now he is considering doing the same with contact. My kids are teens - Ds is already under a psychologist (early days)for long standing issues - I am concerned what this will do to them.

any thoughts/advice greatly appreciated.

I say this with no background of your situation, other than what you've written here. If he's threatening you, why don't you say, "No, go for the court order then, it's probably best".

You say your children don't like being in the hands of the judge, but I'd do some work on this, pointing out all of the stuff that isn't in the hands of the judge and how we all live lives that are impinged by the law at some point.

Your kids are old enough to make their own choices what do they want?

Putting it in the hands of the judge is probably the best thing you can do - the court will want to know from the kids what they want.

Hi, are both children 14? And have they just turned 14, or nearer to 15? As this can make a difference.

Yep, I agree with calling his bluff.

He is trying to frighten you into caving in, when in fact a court order would work best as that way he cant play silly buggers again in future. Also, as PP have said, the court will want to know how the kids feel about it, so again that works in your favour.

Age 14 the children will have a say in whether they want to see him. Sounds like your ex is just using this as another way to bully and abuse. Tell him you welcome a court order.

In fact, I suspect when you say "yes, go ahead" he will back down and try to use other ways to get to you simply because he wont do anything that you want him to do. So if he doesnt apply to go to court after this then I suggest that you do it yourself.

Men like this assume that everything they say and do is right, so in his head it could be that he will walk into court, slag you off and get everything his own way. I have seen on here so often the damage that these assholes do to their own case by being arrogant bullies. A day in court can be the best way to deal with them.

There was one I saw on here where the damage the STBXH did to his own case was so extensive that I was surprised he didnt charge the MNer legal fees for winning her case for her!

Is there a specific reason you don't want to agree to formalise the current arrangement? Is there an alternative you can propose instead?

Bearing in mind that without a court order you can go ahead and change your mind anyway, especially given the ages involved.

Tell your DC that the court process will be perfect. At 14 they can say they don't want to see him and refuse.

Thanks ladies for replies... They have just turned 14 .. Just another issue for me to contend with!

Don't worry about his threats. At 14 their views will be paramount. No one is going to force or drag a teenager to do something they don't want to do, or even be able to!
Let him go down the legal route if he wants to push his DCs around. In the meantime, is there a neutral person - school counsellor, family friend, relative - who they might talk to about what they want and why. If they are mature enough, a letter to their DF expressing their wishes and feelings and how they see their relationship with him developing might be useful all round.
If he doesn't listen, then that kind of calm, well-thought out and independent viewpoint will be key if he goes to court.
Sounds like he is a bit of a bully who is beginning to find out that you and the DCs are beginning to stand up for yourselves

As dunfightin has said, your dc are at an age where they can choose whether or not to have contact with their father and if occasion arises where either or both of them don't wish to see him, neither you nor he can force them.

I would not advise your dc to express themselves in writing to their father as a) if the content is not to his liking he will claim that you dictated it to them and b) he may attempt to bully them into rescinding any parts he doesn't like.

If the current trial arrangement doesn't suit you/the dc, tell him to feck off don't agree to continue wth it. If he seeks a contact order CAFCASS will be assigned to represent your dc and voice their wishes to the court and all parties to the proceedings (your dc, yourself, and the twunt) will have opportunity to make their feelings known to the appointed case worker.

Tell your DC that the court process will be perfect. At 14 they can say they don't want to see him and refuse.

Nowhere does the op say her dc do NOT want to see their df.

Op. Can I ask what the 'trial arrangement' is?