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Is this abuse?

35 replies

magazinewhore · 25/05/2015 22:37

I actually know the answer to this one, at least according to Lundy Bancroft.

DH and I had gotten halfway through the day and hadn't really said two words to each other (this is typical). Finally, out of exasperation, I asked if he thought it was weird that we go most of the day without talking.

He exploded. "WTF?" He asked when he was supposed to have talked because he had been taking a nap and I came home and banged stuff around and woke him up. He said I hadn't said anything either, which I said was because he seemed like he was in a bad mood (again, not uncommon). He was walking around not talking, not making eye contact (which is kind of how he lives his life), to me, sulking. He said that was BS. He grabbed his bag and began to huff out, to which I said, "well, is huffing out of here angry the best way to handle this?" He said if I was really this unhappy I should leave.

I am seriously considering it. Except it's a holiday and I have nowhere to go with my cat.

He is the king of Passive Aggression, or indicating his disapproval without saying anything (eye rolls, withholding, isolating). He sits in his chair for hours and plays video games on his phone in front of the TV, not talking to me. I think I may have actually done it this time, and I don't really care.

Any kind words would be appreciated.

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tipsytrifle · 27/05/2015 23:25

what do you do if a person refuses to communicate with you by becoming enraged and huffing away?

You get somewhere else for you and cat to live, move out and tell him after the event. Are you up for that? There's a lot of energy going into what/how he would/might/could react to the news you are considering leaving. Are you up for a fait accompli? He sounds awful and life is for living, not whiling away precious soul and time with people who are determined to be drainers one way or another.

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Atenco · 28/05/2015 00:08

You don't say how long you have lived together, but you don't have anything positive to say about your DH, but you seem to be looking for excuses not to separate. Why does he pay 90% of the bills if you both work?

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magazinewhore · 28/05/2015 00:30

We've been together 8 eight years, married 6. No kids. He just makes 5x what I make. He's an attorney and I'm a college writing tutor/instructor.

He seemed really great when I met him. I was 37. I didn't want to get married, but he pushed for it. I thought I had found a really great guy who would love me. And I fell in love with him. There were some red flags, but I didn't foresee him going cold as fast and as hard as he has. It's like a complete 180 from the man I met.

I think he has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. He says he's a control freak and moody. Occasionally, when he puts that aside, we have a good time, but they are getting further and further apart. I suggested separating once and he said he was killing himself at his job for us. So a lot of it is guilt.

But he's just informed me that he's decided to quit his job because of the toll it's taking on the marriage and himself. He decided this without discussing it with me and told me over email. I think it's insane to walk away from a good job without having another lined up, and it's another example of how I'm not treated like a partner to him. Abuse or not, it doesn't matter, I guess.

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magazinewhore · 28/05/2015 00:32

I'm sure he'll say I left when he quit his job, but that's not the case. Several years ago, he got laid off for a few months and then got this job. It's the fact that he can't communicate with me that's making me crazy. I feel like he treats me like a child.

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crustsaway · 28/05/2015 00:39

what do you do if a person refuses to communicate with you by becoming enraged and huffing away?

You recognise that neither of you have nor ever will make each other happy and you move on. He is not entitled to give you half of anything. You went into the relationship with what ever you had and that's what you leave with. It's simple.

I don't see it as him being depressed. Neither of you like each other very much.

I see you pressing him to be something he isnt and doesnt want to be.

Go and find someone that will bring you happiness.

You can never change another person. You can only change you.

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Jux · 28/05/2015 00:55

Read this: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00PCVJGFW?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o00_&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 it's cheap, very short, very clear and fascinating. I bet you will recognise quite a few of the behaviours described. (The link is for the Kindle edition.) When you've read it, youill be able to decide whether he is abusive or just rude. As you say, it doesn't really matter, as you are so unhappy in the relationship.

Leave. Good luck!

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tipsytrifle · 28/05/2015 08:52

I think telling you he's going to leave his job over email is pretty insane too. How normal is that? If anything it's vindictive because he's reinforcing that it's all your fault he is like he is. Another mind game then.

This man is a self-declared control freak for whatever psychological reason. You're miserable beyond belief. There is a logic here trying to make itself known to you!

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HellKitty · 28/05/2015 09:34

He sounds like my ex. I used to walk around on eggshells when he was in a mood, I even kept a record of how many words he'd have said to me in a week (less than 10!). He left for work one morning and I got a call from a colleagues wife I was friendly with, she was asking what I'd thought about the massive argument ex had had at work with another colleague and his subsequent sacking!!?! First I'd heard. I'd blow up at him every 3 months when it got too much for me and he'd promise to change, he would for a week then the atmosphere would creep back everytime. I eventually left him, even packing up my (our) 3 DCs and 2 cats. Never been happier

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SoleSource · 28/05/2015 12:24

Just popped on to say that today I drove past my ex I spoke of on here!! How fucking weird !! That joyless feeling came over me. He was standing at a bus stop, hand on hip with a passed off, miserable look on his ace. TWATTTTTT!!! Don't believe me I don't care but how fucking weird is that????

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Croxlea · 28/05/2015 16:00

This sounds like my DH we don not talk at all really maybe two or three words a day. We both work for the same company from home he earns at least 5 time more than me. We have separate offices but we hardly communicate. Been married 21 years and if I did not have a 7yr DS Or any family to go to think I would be out like a shot.