Meeting stbxh in social situations.....what's the protocol??

[yougotafriend]

We separated in September, I left the family home in November and have been mainly NC.

We used to socialise in a group of couples, I've known them all for over 25 yrs. I wouldn't want to put any of them in a position where they have to take sides so whenever there's been a get together we have both been invited and we decide who goes. I have a large circle of friends but the men from this group are pretty much stbxh's only mates so I have told him I won't go more often as I have other things I can do.

On Friday one of the daughters was 21, he was going but as I was out in the same area with another friend anyway I said I'd call in to see everyone and wish the birthday girl well.

So men & women were standing apart (typical for this crowd) so me & my friend just joined the women & I had a lovely catch up. Stbxh was across the room at the bar and on route to the ladies, I'd have happily ignored him but wouldn't want to cause any embarrassment to the hosts so after I'd been to the loo I greeted all my friends husbands with a hug & a kiss (normal for this crowd) had a quick catch up talking about kids etc then as I was on my way back to where I was standing gave stbxh a quick hug & a peck on the cheek.... No conversation at all.

Today I got a text to say the way I kissed him & the look I gave him has given him cause to hope for a reconciliation.... WTF??? I didn't even look him in the eye!! and I was equally tactile with 6 other men....do I want to get with them all??

How do I get the message through? The man is deluded

Hopeful and desperate maybe.

I would just be kind and avoid him entirely by not attending any social occasions he may be at.

I didn't even look him in the eye!! and I was equally tactile with 6 other men....do I want to get with them all??

It's early days. Be careful with how you behave. Not so much for the husband but female friends. Even old female friends lean towards thinking all single women (especially newly separate) are predatory sirens.

Be prepared for your social life to change and your couple friends (at the instigation of the women who typically organise the social diary) to dump you.

Worry less about the stbx and more about maintaining your own social infrastructure.

Sounds like you did well all considered. Just be sure not to touch him next time. I'd always stick to pleasant and perfunctory in these situations. Means there's no room for doubt

Yes I need to try and do more things with the women of the group without the men as they are good friends and I don't want to lose contact.

I couldn't do anything right when we lived together, I am a bit flabbergasted that he's so devastated now I've left!

I wouldn't recommend giving him a hug and a peck on the cheek again if you want to get the message through.

I wouldn't say he's deluded, just hopeful.

simonsays I know you mean well but you honestly couldn't be further from the truth, that actually made me laugh out loud.

We have all (men & women) been friends a long long time.... I have socialised with them from before I met stbxh.... no chance any of my female friends thinking I had any interest in their OHs or vice versa.

And now another 21st invitation to us both weekend after next.... I have to go as it's my nieces bf so will try to persuade stbxh not to go as he only knows him socially... Everything seems so complicated

Well, it's not really.

Why don't you just tell him you're never going to get back together with him?

Tell him that you can acknowledge him socially or ignore him at these occasions but stress that neither indicates your wanting to reunite with him.

Is that an option?

I don't think many hosts would be all that dismayed if you didn't kiss your ex goodbye. A polite arm's length I'm sure would be socially acceptable.

I've told him we're never getting back together, I've given him no indication since we split in September and yet he still believes it could happen. It's just the way it's always been, his opinion is considered more valid than mine (by him).

If you know he feels that way then don't kiss and hug him. I don't see what's so difficult, am I missing something?

Social situation or not, we don't live in the 1930's!

See this is why I don't like the huggy kissy thing. I prefer a firm handshake or a wave.

I didn't fully realise until this weekend, he had said in texts he knew we were over.... I won't be conforming to social niceties now I'm more aware

The protocol is that no one should be forced to hug and kiss another person

you made a mistake there

nobody really cares, you know

do what feels right for you

Well, so what if he thinks you've given him hope. Let him think that.

Ignore his texts and telephone calls after an event where you've dared to be polite and even friendly.

You're doing nothing wrong.

I've since heard from other guests that all eyes were on me to see how/if I greeted him. Even the birthday girl was "on pins" in case it was awkward... So despite the repercussions (him getting the wrong idea) I'm glad I acted in a dignified fashion. But you live & learn don't you?

They wanted a bit of drama, didn't they ?

yuk