Is this an imaginary barrier?

[eggnut]

Hello all. I hope someone can offer some perspective.

I've been married about 7 years, have a 3 year old DD. I can't last much longer in this marriage which has had elements of emotional and verbal abuse resulting from my husband's high level of anxiety. I am getting to a point where emotionally I could give myself permission to break his heart, "ruin our child's life" (in his view) and move out and move on with my life.

However, the practical aspects seem like a total stumbling block to me right now. We live in City A in the north of England, where my husband works and DD attends nursery. I work in City B now (we moved to City A for my husband's new job about a year ago, I've been working the past 8 months). My job is great (good pay, good for my CV, jobs in my field are getting scarcer, plus my co-workers are really fun and I enjoy my job). However, my commute is very long so my H does the nursery run all week. I leave the house for work around 6:30 when DD is often still asleep and return around 7:00pm when she is tired from a long day at nursery and about ready to melt down and fall asleep again.

Neither of us has family nearby (mine are all overseas) so there's no childcare support there.

I feel that if I initiated a split now, there is a real danger that I would end up being a weekend-only parent either officially or by default (especially if my husband decided to make things difficult for me, which is a possibility). Not acceptable.

Currently I'm thinking that we all need to move to City B (or nearby) so I can have a shorter commute and would be capable of doing nursery/school run like a normal person, and my H and I could split parenting time equally (he is allowed loads of remote and flexible working in his job, I am allowed none).

This seems like a necessary and practical first step before trying to end the marriage and move out. But does that sound reasonable, or is this one of these "oh but no but you don't UNDERSTAND" imaginary barriers? I'm looking for work locally but like I said, jobs in my field are becoming scarcer and there's no guarantee I'll find anything. I hate to think of uprooting DD again (and of making all of us move cities, as we like City A) but I'm trying to take a longer view here. But I feel so stressed and anxious about the relationship and what choice to make it's hard to tell if I'm thinking clearly!

thank you.

I think it's worth talking to a solicitor. I think there is a risk that you could be seen as not the primary care giver, even though your weekday absences are caused by the decision to live nearer your DH's work than your own. I think you have a very reasonable case to make that shared care would be much easier if you all moved to City B.

I don't think you should move together to City B and then drop the bomb on him if that's what you're asking - I think that would be extremely unfair. Not to mention expensive if you all then have to move again.

Thanks, tribpot. I did speak with a solicitor briefly and she basically agreed with you--she couldn't guarantee what would happen either way, but I might end up getting shut out of some caregiving time in order to minimize disruption to DD. I don't want to disrupt her life either but right now I feel completely trapped by the situation.

I have brought up the possibility of separation to my husband but he responds by saying "I won't make things easy for you" and pressures me in many various ways until I back off. I feel like I have no real options in this situation until we live close enough to my work that I could actually split parenting time, and that if only I had that option, then I could feel less trapped and think more clearly.

I have brought up the possibility of separation to my husband but he responds by saying "I won't make things easy for you"

Oooh, what a surprise. What would happen if you replied "That's okay, I already know that [you put your own selfish feelings before your daughter's wellbeing/you hate me more than you love our daughter/You're a cunt]"?

Are you prepared to go along with the pretence of keeping the relationship going for the period - probably up to a year - of moving nearer your work?

Alternately, have you discussed with anyone at work the possibility of you working different hours to allow you to take DD to nursery, etc? Equally, would it be feasible for you to look for work nearer to where you live?

I have to say if I had a partner leaving me who suggested I relocate to suit their job I would laugh in their face. Sorry :(

There's no up side for him in moving to City B and it doesn't sound like he'll be at all amenable to it, esp if he is aware that you are considering a separation. I'd write that off as a strategy.

You need to move reasonably quickly on this if you want to establish any kind of reason for her to be enrolled in a school in City B. If she enrols in City A I think your goose is cooked. Get some proper advice and then be prepared to build a case for why a move now would be in DD's best interests, i.e. because care can be shared more fairly.

Thanks all. Yes, I'm definitely looking for work locally and have spoken with my manager about a change to working pattern; unfortunately, it looks like that won't be possible. We do need to be settled soon for the schools question.