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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is, "im just not happy anymore" enough to call it a day?

21 replies

gainingcontrol1 · 25/05/2015 15:41

Basically from my last thread you will see im trying to get a control of my own life.

I have been with my H 14 yrs and have come to the point where im just not happy anymore, I feel I have moved on and we have become more like friends. Although he doesn't see it like this as we have discussed this.

I just feel empty, miserable, he does have drink and drugs most nights but maybe a few beers and just cannabis so not hard drugs, but things like that, that didn't bother me before now do?

I cant see a future really, he can be so moody etc when not chilled with drugs/drink and it just drains the life from me. He does work but not a contracted job so not reliable. I work and have been the main contributor our whole relationship.

Im just so worried I might make a huge mistake as he doesn't cheat or ever physically abusive.

Anyone ended things due to just not being happy?

OP posts:

griselda101 · 25/05/2015 15:46

if you're not happy, and don't believe things can change I would say you should get out of it.

Not before deep and meaningful discussions though, so you can let him know how serious you are about needing change. I don't blame you about feeling down on the drugs / drink thing, especially if it makes him moody, it's not fair on you.

Do you honestly see him changing? Even if he pledges to change is he likely to keep his word?

If not then you need to do some serious thinking. And yes you will be happier without him if he's not willing to change. And you can find someone else! But for starters you might want to spend a bit of time enjoying freedom and singleness!

Have you talked it all through with him, how does he feel about it?

AccordingtoMe · 25/05/2015 15:50

Have you posted about him before? I seem to recognise this one.

To answer you, YES, the reason you give is a good enough reason. You deserve to be happy.

fortunately · 25/05/2015 15:51

Not being happy is a massive reason to end things!

What is more important than your happiness?

Fwiw I wouldn't put up with that behaviour either, and I think if you've decided you can't live like that anymore that's a completely valid reason to go.

Original poster

gainingcontrol1 · 25/05/2015 16:10

No not posted before but when googling there was a post on here that was similar to my own circumstances.

I feel very guilty to be honest for thinking about my own happiness as there will be a price for our child and him to pay.

I guess the control I have always felt under means I always put other first and will always please everyone else.

I have spoken with him about his habits, he is not willing to change as he feels that's the way he was when we met and he likes what he does. I think I have also discovered he is perhaps lying to me about the amount of drugs he goes through.

OP posts:

fortunately · 25/05/2015 16:26

Your child lives with a drug addict father and a miserable mother.

How is exchanging that household for a quiet happy single parent household a bad thing?

I'm a LP and my dd and I have a fabulous life. We rub along easily together at home, enjoy going out to the park and for ice cream, watching films together and baking or painting.

She doesn't miss out on anything.

Original poster

gainingcontrol1 · 25/05/2015 16:33

He isn't quite a drug addict but yes I do see where you are coming from. He wont stop as deep down he doesn't want to, which in some ways suits as he is terrible when straight!

When our child and I are together alone, it is blissful, I have to admit. He doesn't really do a lot with us anyway.

Im just terrified I guess as I don't even know where to begin with the finishing things. Im very lucky as financially I can go it alone and still pay for our home etc.

OP posts:

fortunately · 25/05/2015 16:36

Then you're in the same place I was when I left.

Rented a place, hired a lorry and went. Ex went ballistic at first but once we were a safe distance away it was easy enough to limit the influence he had over us. I had to go to court to get maintenance and contact sorted but it's been two years now and I couldn't be happier.

I'm proud of myself for getting away and proud of myself for giving dd an example of someone who can manage alone - earn the money, fix stuff, have fun. No regrets.

Cassawoof · 25/05/2015 16:45

As someone who was left by a husband "who just wasn't happy" and is devastated (I didn't see it coming), I would say before you do it, do have a frank discussion with him and make him realise the consequences of his behaviour now, give him a chance to see if things can improve. If not, then at least you gave him a chance and he, if he doesn't sort himself out, has not taken that chance. And in the future you will know you tried.

From what you say it sounds like you have, and if he's not willing to cut down on the drug use, it may be you have done your best.

Original poster

gainingcontrol1 · 25/05/2015 17:03

Cassawoof~ Thank you, we have had discussions and he knows how I feel but he cant see what the big deal is. I myself wonder if I am picking of this downfall of him as im just not happy anymore. I would love to go back to the way we once were but I just don't see it and it feels horrible.

Maybe I need some time alone, just DC and I, it has been this way for about 3 years and now I feel my life is passing by, then panic sets in when I realise one day DC will leave and I will be lost.

OP posts:

Original poster

gainingcontrol1 · 25/05/2015 21:07

Forgot to say we nearly separated after Xmas but when it comes to it I go into panic mode, I know its what I want but somehow it frightens me to the core.

Think im scared at the same time of being alone.

OP posts:

fortunately · 25/05/2015 21:10

Completely understandable. The hardest part is making the decision. The rest follows on.

Original poster

gainingcontrol1 · 25/05/2015 21:18

Fortunatley~ I hoping once I get the words out the rest will flow.

There isn't much left to lose in this relationship, we pretty much live separate lives, he even sleeps on the couch.

I just think the time has come to make a life for myself.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 25/05/2015 21:22

The thing is, all the time you're committed to a substandard relationship such yours, you deny yourself the opportunity to be in a relationship where somebody cherishes you, or at least to be yourself without a dead weight hanging around your neck pulling you down.

Perhaps now is the time to work out an exit plan for when you feel ready so you believe you have another option.

milkysmum · 25/05/2015 21:27

Are you me!? Dh and I have been together 14 years, married for 9. We have two children aged 6 and 3. He has always been a drinker/ smoker and are lives have moved in different directions. Last year I bit the bullet and insisted he leave. He rented somewhere and I felt happy, the house was calm it was bliss. But then he managed to convince me he had changed, he did give up the weed and we went to counselling. He moved back in. Fast forward another 6 months and he is in the pub to much and like you I'm just not happy. I know it was happier alone and now I feel so stupid for giving away my chance. He won't discuss the fact that I am unhappy and cannot see a problem! He is adamant he will never move out again and we have a joint mortgage. I feel trapped

Original poster

gainingcontrol1 · 25/05/2015 21:37

Joysmum ~ This Is what is getting to me, the fact I might meet someone who I see friends/family with, normal relationships, having a laugh, someone to make me happy, instead of wondering how the mood is, how high he is!!

Milkysmum~ We do seem very very similar, has he still quit drugs? What is he like off it? I think if he do spilt, I doubt I could go back, I feel I have no life, where as he has all his joys!

OP posts:

milkysmum · 25/05/2015 21:46

Gaining- he hasn't returned to regular cannabis use and he was smoking every day. I suspect he still has the occasional puff now and again though. Initially I was so happy as he used to spend hours sat out in the shed smoking it and I felt so lonely even though he was not far away. Now he seems to have replaced one addiction with another and spends his time in the pub drinking instead. I am so cross for letting myself be conned into taking him back- I felt so strong. I tried to talk to him tonight about how I'm feeling after he went off to watch the Grand Prix yesterday at a friends and didn't come home until 1am!! He said he was watching country file and wouldn't discuss it as I had ignored him earlier in the day ( because I was pissed off about him staying out and then he only got up after lunch so of course he got the cold shoulder for an hour or so!)

griselda101 · 25/05/2015 22:22

milkys and gaining - sounds like you need to stand up and leave these guys!

seriously while a guy is on pot (as many of my exs were) they're not going to change. Many guys, particularly dope smokers, are very stubborn...and unwilling. I think it's ok if it's an occasional thing, but a regular habit every day that affects their mood, alarm bells should be ringing.

milky's I can sympathise with the feeling lonely thing, my ex used to smoke outside for hours, drove me nuts. Dare i say it but he sounds a bit passive aggressive!! No wonder you were pissed off, but if he can't face up to why you were pissed in the first place he's never going to get it.

I think you'll feel better when you finally make the move you need to. It might be difficult but imagine the freedom from their moods and uselessness!!

milkysmum · 25/05/2015 22:30

He is very passive aggressive! I just feel so bad for dd as after we split last year she was truly devastated and when he moved back in we both told her daddy was 'back for good' it will break her heart if I put her through it again

griselda101 · 25/05/2015 22:37

can you work up to it slowly with her, milky's? e.g. start by offering her a better alternative to how it is at the moment.

e.g. daddy will have special time with her, you can still do things all together with him and you, you would be much happier and she would be happier by proxy, she could have two bedrooms (one at each of your places etc)

I think it's a no brainer. She might be upset in the short term but in the long term things will be much easier. It's also not a good example to set for her as she grows, I know as my dad smoked tons of dope through my childhood and was a nightmare to live with!!

Imagine another 10 years stuck with this guy!! it just sounds like you will be happier if you do it sooner than later. I guess you would need to make sure she has the support she needs going through it, and try to be as grown up about it as possible through the process...

Original poster

gainingcontrol1 · 25/05/2015 22:54

Griselda101 ~ I notice you said your dad smoked a lot if dope when you were young, what was it like growing up in that environment? What was he like as a dad? Hope you don't mind me asking, it will give me an idea from a child's point. It you like PM the info, or if you prefer not to answer I will fully understand x

OP posts:

griselda101 · 25/05/2015 23:30

gaining, no problem, I will PM you in a mo!

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