My mother doesn't like me. How to handle?

[JourneyingAlong]

I've namechanged as I suspect my story would be identifying to anyone who knows my situation really well.

My mother hasn't spoken to me for just over 2 months. I;m struggling with hadnling my feelings and how to deal with our relationship n the future/when we see each other as I know I need to stop the emotional rollercoasted.

I think I crave a mother/daughter relationship and I've always been the one to ring her/ go to her/ care for her in the past (she has m/h issues and has been sectioned in the past - I've always been the one to take her in an overnight bag and talk to her keyworkers if applicable).

However looking back she's not really been there for me - she wasn't at my wedding (the day after I was in hospital with her...). She wasn't around for the first few months of my second childs life, in fact she wouldnt even talk to me about the fact I was pregnant.

She regularly goes non contact for a few weeks/months at a time. Never with any explanation of why (and if I ask my dad (divorced) theres usually some imagined slight or my tone of voice was wrong or shes built up something in her head).

I think I managed it better in the past as although it hurt terribly each time I'd tell myself "she's ill". However. My brother has a 3 year old just a few months younger than my second child. My mother spoils her with gifts, babysits often etc. When My daughter was small if I rang my mum she'd just turn the topic of conversation to my neice. She obviously CAN do it but is CHOOSING not to with me which I think I'm finding hard.

He has always been a "golden boy". I can recognise our situation from reading up in the past etc. What I'm struggling with is how to go forwards with this. Especially as my oldest (6) is aware grandma doesnt seem to be seeing us...

She got a distinction in her ballet exam recently and I desperately wanted to ring my mum.... but I held back.

In the past I think I've just contacted her after a while and we all act as if nothings happened. Im beginning to think this isnt conducive to my mental health as even though she may not be capable of dealing with me struggling I need not to be acting as if nothings wrong.

I decided not to be the first to contact this time. And I THINK I need to stop pining for a close relationship, but its so hard. I know I will see her eventually at family situation and no idea how to handle it.

This time I'd been seeing her about once every 2-3 weeks and ringing occasionally - enjoying the odd coffee together. I was due to see her before going on a long trip. I'd made some mothers day flowers at a thing I'd been to... and I had a mug from the girls. I also had a special gift from birthday she'd been wanting.... I got a text saying she was going to be busy that day. When I rang she said she was busy, I said ok can we do another day... apparently not as she was going to be busy... then "when will you not be busy" "oh we'll wait and see". I even said "But I've got flowers for you" just like a child.

IN her mind I will of course be being unreasonable and the whole family goes along with this but its making my brain spin. When I see her the urge to say "oh I thought you were busy" or telling her how hurtful its been is huge. BUt in reality it would be at a bbq at my brothers and shed act as if nothing had changed, ask about the children in a disinterested/distant relative way I think. She just blots me out :(

OP....you poor thing. That could have been me and my mum. What to do? My little bruv was the golden child. Grew up with an enormous sense of entitlement. His daughter got more love/attention than my 2 dd's. Ditto sis/nephew. It came to a head when an obs/gyn consultant's secretary called me up to arrange a complete hysterectomy (I was on a list for a routine op 18 mnths down the line) after a routine smear test showed abnormal cells. I was traumatised, and only wanted my mum. Her response, "what do you want me to do about it"? I went NC then.
When my dad died she never gave me any comfort. When my dsis got divorced and I called her up crying, she was nasty to me. The point im trying to make is. Do you feel strong enough to keep on flogging a dead horse? Jings, just came to mind:- she worked as a cleaner for a wealthy Solictors couple. They had a child. My mother lavished gifts and attention on her. She even spoke about this child with extended family more than her two dgc.
Fast forward to now. Girls are in their 30's. No natural affection. She's dead now. I dont mourn her/miss her. What does that say about me? My siblings are still grieving.

Get thee to the Stately Homes thread: lots of posters with lots of advice about dealing with parents who make them feel terrible, up to and including ending all contact.

I was a great help to me, that thread. Really cleared my mind about my late father.

I assume that an honest conversation with her pointing out the differences in her treatment of you and your brother would be a non-starter? If it might work, it's worth trying.

If not - well it sounds really like she has a deep rooted vested interest in dismissing you. She may not even be conscious of it (she damn well ought to be, but peoples' minds can be funny especially when mental illness is involved).

I think all you can do is what you're already realising - stop hoping for a close relationship, grieve for the loving mother you want and should have, but acknowledge that the mother you actually have is not terribly interested in you. It hurts, give yourself time to grieve.

Build up relationships with other people; partner, husband, MIL if it's possible. None of them replace a mother, but they can fill in some of the gaps.

mehsmum thank you

This could, to a slightly lesser extent, be me and my mum. Except my brother (the golden child) died 6 years ago and nothing I do will ever measure up to him. I wish I could give you some advice on how to deal with it but I'm still well and truly tied up in the cycle of FOG, and jump through hoops to get her to like me as much as she liked my brother. I even feel disloyal writing this.

Some people have mental health issues. Some people are nasty, and behave nastily. It's perfectly possible for a person with mental health issues to be a nice person (I have a psychotic friend who is lovely). And people with mental health issues can be completely nasty.

There is a choice at some point. Your mother seems to have made the choice a long time ago to ignore you in favour of your brother. There may be reasons for this in her own history, but she is making a choice.

So please don't hurt yourself any more trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be your mother. It's terrible and unfair, but that's what there is. I would suggest talking to a professional - it is of great help if the therapist works for you.

My mother didn't love me. She had all the 'mental health' excuses anyone could wish for. She died last year. Its a whole lot better without her. I still get those feelings you mention the 'Oh, I must tell my mum...' about this or that. But she isn't here to hurt me.

Build up the rest of your life, let your mum take a smaller (ie negligible) part.

Maybe your mum has linked you with times when she's feeling unwell and needy, and isn't strong enough to cope with the fact that you've seen her at her lowest - even though you are not judging her for this.

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