Can I get some perspective, please? Not sure if IABU.

[UterusUterusGhali]

I've been "seeing" a guy on and off for two years. FB type arrangement, although it was a bit more than that; he's met my children etc.

He was never into a "relationship", for various reasons. What it came down to, I think, was that he was/is still in love with his ex. They split up three years ago.
They live together. They do stuff together. He's even blown me out and taken her on the same damn date we planned as she was feeling bad.

So far, so red flaggy I guess.

A few months ago we made it "official". I'm sure this was in no small part down to the ex finding love. (I absolutely don't think they're fucking; he has her for wifey stuff and me for that.)
I thought things might change. But apparently not.

He's been looking for somewhere to live. He took her to view a place, even though I was working in the area and could have met him etc. this has really bothered me. Aibu?

I don't want to live in his pocket, but I've a rare night without children tonight, and I'm on my own.
He's at home with her. (Albeit in separate rooms.)

I'm just so lonely! I thought that would change. :(

I have been in almost exactly the same situation. He in fact proposed to his ex part way through our "relationship". She said no and I still stayed with him. It was awful. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.

Get out, get out now. You and your kids deserve so much better.

Look at it this way, currently he has no reason to change his living arrangements does he?

As you said yourself, she does the wifey stuff and he gets sex on tap from you.

So you would be doing both of you a favour to end it.

He may realise that he doesnt want to lose you, pulls his finger out and sorts out his living arrangements and ends his marriage officially. Then you could consider giving him another chance. Or he doesnt and you are not his fall back "when nothing better is around" woman.

Whatever happens, you win.

You don't want to be on the shelf? But you are on the shelf. His shelf. It's time you climbed off it and went looking for romance with someone who's ready to be with you.

His wife may not want sex with him but she's got all the bits of him that matter.

You talk about your low self-esteem, HE is making YOU miserable!

If you just go back and read your own thread, it very clear, you actually know how little he feels for you.He has shown this through his actions ( and lack of actions) time and time again.
Other PP are correct, even if he "left" his w and moved on, he will eventually replace you with someone else.
I don't mean to be hurtful. He doesn't appear to do anything to make you feel like he is in love with you.
Do yourself a favour and end it with him, it will be difficult at first, but in time you know you are doing the right thing for yourself. Stop using you DC as an excuse. They won't be devastated that he's gone, Take control of the situation and give yourself some well deserved self respect.
Hate to be cheesy, but the only person responsible for your happiness is you!

I think partly it is hard as you then have to face the realisation that he has got away with doing this to you for a couple of years now. All that hurt and anger will want to come out, and going through it is hard work, just experiencing the anger and pain from all that time.

Almost enough to make you not want to do it - to keep up the façade that this is Ok.

It is very hard to throw something away when you don't have something better lined up. It makes you feel exposed.
The only thing that made it possible for me was realising he did not love me or care how I felt. I loved him to the ends of the earth, and would have done anything for him (almost) but he would do jack shit for me, when it came down to it.

Actions, not words. Seriously. x

You're his in-between girl.

I've been there. It sucks. I'm sorry :(

magpie he proposed to someone else!?

psi you've hit the nail on the head.:)
I've come this far....

I wish he would fight for me, or even see why I'm upset, but he never will, will he?

Thank you all.
I'm going to keep re-reading your posts and pull up my big-girl pants.

You feel SORRY for him?!?

What, that he's using you? Is that what makes you feel sorry for him.

Kin hell, op, he's not weak or pathetic - he a bastard who knows what he's doing and doesn't care. This suits him perfectly, he couldn't care less if it doesn't suit you.

Girl, my guess is what you actually want is a loving partner who cherishes you, respects your feelings and wouldn't dream of intentionally hurting you.

Which is not this horrible man, is it. Clear the space to make way for the good guy. Don't sell yourself so cheap next time, lovely xx

You don't want to be on the shelf so you accept less than you are worth. If he was that into you it would have moved in by now. It is what it is nothing and never will be. Id rather be alone than with someone who made me feel bad about myself. I chose to be single because I think it's stereotypical to think you need to be with someone to be complete. I don't. I'm never lonely.

Stating the obvious, but there's a world of difference between being lonely and alone.

You're lonely now .

It's actually fine to be alone - independent, own choices/decisions , a world of opportunity out there.

Post was to OP - hadn't read your post Chix but completely agree.

Oh, ugh. Come on. Slap yourself. This is awful. Get some respect for yourself! Read The Rules. You need a huge injection of feisty "fuck you!" energy and TR will deliver it.

And play "No More The Fool" on repeat.

Oh and for the record....the shelf can be quite nice. Lots of friends on there who didnt undersell themselves and respect you for not selling yourself short either.

Better to be on the shelf with friends that in a relationship with an enemy.

Read The Rules???

A book that teaches people how to manipulate others will just turn the OP into the very type of person who is manipulating her! How does that work for the OP?!

I suggest Whatsgoing that YOU get some self respect and work out how to treat people without reading some bullshit book that makes it ok to treat people like shit on the basis of their gender.

Oh the flowers have changed into buddleia! That's interesting.

I've never read the Rules so can't comment on that. However it isn't all about the bloke and what he is doing. It's also about what you are letting him do, and what you are doing.

Nearly every day I think about what I did, what I was part of - it isn't nice to feel like I did that, it makes me feel low about myself. It isn't something to be proud of. It also makes other people think badly of you, for being in that position.

Something to think about. If you put a stop to it, you are doing something right and good. I didn't, I waited for him to reject me. I wish I had stood up for myself and for what was right.

Good luck OP. Turn it round - would you treat a person like he is treating you? No. So don't stand for it. Boundaries are important

So he has his emotional needs met by the ex and his sexual ones by you, 2 years later and you think that's enough????

He is doing nothing for you apart from bringing you down, that's not normal nor is it healthy.

Op, I kind of know what your going through, I'm in a similar situation but hasn't been going on very long and no other woman ( just a man that I know will never commit so I'm wasting my time and probably being used ), it's so hard to end it when you have low self esteem and you don't want to be alone. For me I have got it into my head that 'it's just sex' and I will still be looking for another man, I'm not going to waste my time waiting for him to make his mind up but I still can't end it ( as I am enjoying the sex and I don't want to be totally alone ), I don't think I could waste 2 years chasing something that's not there . You need to be strong and end this for your dc's and you, there are nice men out there that will commit to a serious relationship without having to run back to their ex.

The flowers are lilacs for the Glorious25th in memory of Terry Pratchett

Oh please get rid.

I would probably say I'm the ex in this situation. To the casual onlooker anyone would think we were still a couple (we have kids together so he legitimately needs to come round)). He still moons around after me, buys me little presents drops, everything if I need something, still wants to have sex with me (I have absolutely no interest in having sex with him). I am seeing someone else and certainly have no interest in a relationship with him.

However he still has the 'OW' he apparently left me for. She lives in a different city and he sees her once a week (sometimes less) for sex. He still names me as his NOK and most of his work friends still think we're together because he never told them we split and doesn't correct anyone who assumes we're together.

I should feel sorry for OW because she's won herself such a 'prize' but she's wasting all her time on him. It wouldn't surprise me if he's still actively seeking another FB.

Please ditch him OP, this situation is insane.

Baggage Reclaim is a good website - have a read about the Fallback Girl.

Thanks all.
I'm swinging between anger and devastation today. Felt stronger yesterday. :(

I think the best of people, and find it hard to accept he was so manipulative and cold.

I feel such a fool. It's so humiliating. On one of their dates recently they were photographed for the local rag, and their faces are being used to promote this thing.
I don't know how I'll explain to my mum when she sees.

I'm such a dick.

I'm not sure cold is the word. I really think these men just don't understand what they are doing. They feel something for you but their boundaries are all fucked up.

He didn't go to boarding school did he? Mine did. From the age of seven. The only way he could cope (and he would deny this to high Heaven - best years of his life - till very recently) was to compartmentalise and form attachments to school and home. Therefore in later life he identified as a loner, hurt, a victim, and could never commit to one woman - there had to be someone else as well, sort of home/school, sort of thing. And of course the second person sabotages the intimacy he purports to have with the first.

Yours is more open about it. He is playing out some deep seated story from his childhood (likely - I may be wrong)

He doesn't even consider that it might be painful for you. He thinks he is offering something and you are accepting it. It's not love though. He feels something for you but it's a fucked up version of love, and it's not enough to make you happy.

What I mean is, I couldn't ever see him as cold either. When he was with me he seemed very warm and loving. I see now that much of it is bollocks, what he says, though the sense of humour we shared was genuine, the words behind it were actually lies. He does it to Ds...says he will do this and that, makes promises all the time, and at the time it feels very loving, it feels so genuine but then none of it happens. None of the promises come to fruition.

He just never intends to carry through with any of it. Now I can see what he was doing to me, as well. It's very very odd. He's the most dishonest person I've ever met in my life, but he feels he has to lie all the time, to make people think he cares about them when really he doesn't.

You can think of it as a sort of play...acting like they are in love but honestly they feel very little for anyone. They are just playing a role they feel life wants them to play.

Don't know if this helps you, I can only share my thoughts, it's taken me many years to figure this out.