The museum of my past and how to escape it

[Sodthisagain]

I had a very vivid dream last night about how I got stuck in this huge museum full of archives. I had to get to the exit to get the bus but it was like a huge maze and it took hours to get out!
Yesterday I spent some time with my Mum and it was as usual difficult. I am 44 and I still struggle because she didn't do her job and keep me safe when I was a child. I was bullied or as I can say now abused emotionally and sexually by my older sister for a very long time. Also bullied at school for many years.
I would like to leave this behind and find the exit so I can have a better relationship with my Mum but I don't know how. Can anyone say how they have done this?

Have you ever discussed with your mother why she couldn't keep you safe?

Understanding can be the key to accepting or forgiving something. If you hear her reasons then you may be on your way to a better place.

Thank you for replying Quitelikely.
I haven't tried talking about this directly with my Mum but recently other family issues have come up and if I get even slightly upset or unhappy she closes down the conversation saying she doesn't like shouting. My Mum had a difficult mother herself which probably made it harder for her but my Dad was wealthy and supportive and on the surface I had a loving family.
I think if I tried talking to her she would see it as me attacking her especially as my Dad died several years ago.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you may never find a good relationship with your mother. It is hard to live with that. try the stately home thread, they may have some better and more hopeful advice than most.

I guess I am aware of that, I'm just so tired of Trying to deal with it. I'm a Mum too and can't imagine letting my children be as unhappy as I was for so long.
Is there really no one else on here with any advice?

You might benefit from professional advice OP, have you considered counselling?

Its likely she will never 'hear' you, op. She says it's the shouting but it's what you're saying not how you're saying it - she doesn't want to hear it

The only way out is through. You can't park it and get on - even your dreams are telling you that. As difficult as it is to face it all again, it is the only way to resolve past hurt and damage and come out the other side. You need to do it with a trained professional ie a counsellor, and it will probably take a while.

I've been through it ie worked with a counsellor to resolve childhood damage. Its a painful journey but essential - and worth its weight, priceless.

Its you you need a relationship with, not your mother

Read up on toxic families, op. Incidentally, I was abused by my sisters, too - plenty of us about

I did have some therapy when I was in my 20s and I know it can help, it is so expensive though and I don't have much spare money.
Thank you Springdaffs for your kind words, I have been trying to sort this on my own and I don't think I can, I don't want to be feeling like this for the next 20 years and you are right the only way is through.....

OP, not sure what area you're in but a lot of counsellors will do sliding scale fees based on your income. Worth a try? You could also maybe think about seeing someone once a month - so instead of £40 a week it would be £40 a month.

As an abuse survivor myself I find it very difficult to be around people who effectively stood back and did nothing to protect me. After many troubled years I have now gone no contact (NC) with my mum. It has been a hard process with a lot of soul-searching, but on a day to day basis I do feel a lot calmer.

I raised similar with my mum, and as Springy says it is that what you are saying is too painful to be heard. All I got was a lot of self-justifying and self-pitying response, very little acknowledgement or empathy of my point of view.

Our relationship has never really been the same. I think some of her trust has gone, she wonders if I'm going to bring it up again I suppose. So she's often quite tense around me. I can also tell that she feels a bit rubbish about herself when she's with me.

So I suppose the point of my post is that your way out is probably not going to be through talking to your mum.