Feel have reached end of the line with my sister

[ColdTeaAgain]

This is about a sister relationship so I'm not sure if am posting the right place or whether "relationships" covers family and friends as well, so apologies if out of place!

Anyway, to give a bit of background, my mum died several years ago when me and my sister were in our early 20's.
We hadn't been close to each other throughout our teens, lots of bickering and not seeing eye to eye but somehow I suppose we would eventually grow out of all that.

I went to uni at 18, meanwhile my sister gets a boyfriend at college and gradually spends all her time with him. When I was home from uni I would eat meals with my parents naturally, and they would eat theirs up in her room. To this day I don't really know why my parents allowed them to be so antisocial all the time. If my mum was still here I would of course ask her but I don't feel I can ask dad, he just isn't a talker.

The years went by and I would barely see my sister even when in the same house. Things became so awkward between us as we basically didnt know each other. Occassionally we would row because I couldn't always bite my tongue about the way they treated my parents house.

During the time mum was ill, she didnt really make any effort to spend anymore time with her, alway with her bf, but that was her choice and I never brought it up.

When mum died we had a big chat about how we should try and make an effort to get along and pull together as a family. But no, even though I was living at home for a few months until I moved for my job, she just carried on the same way with her bf, kept themselves to themselves and then got their own place so that meant I saw them even less, basically christmas and sometimes on dads birthday. They have been together about 12 years now and to be honest I hardly know him!

Over the years I have found it very hard that they live within 10mins of my dad and it is a rare occasion that he gets invited for dinner. He regularly doesnt hear from her for over a week. I live an hour away so see him every other weekend usually. He keeps himself busy in the week but he has no social life so unless I see him at the weekend he spends it alone as siater and her bf never bother.

When I was pregnant I thought maybe things will change. Throughout my whole pregnancy (which was not plain sailing) and my recovery from csection, she did not once ask how I was. DD is now almost 2 and I have never even had a text asking after her.

I have made serveral attempts to reach out since DD was born. I would text sister to say when we would staying at dads and would she like to catch up. The majority of times she would show up last minute usually with out bf, and it seemed obviously to me she was only there as she felt she should.

Last christmas they spent the day with us and dad. Sister and her bf barely acknowledged DD was there. Now, I know lots of people find children v boring and dont know how to act around them but I thought they could have made a small effort at least.

So the situation now is, my sister has not seen DD since christmas, nor has she contacted me to ask how she is. I have purposefully not been telling her when we were staying at dads because I got fed up of feeling that she only came she see us when she felt she had to. I wanted to see if she would show any interest in her family on her own accord.

We are amicable when we see each other but there is no relationship to speak of. I have been very hurt that she has made zero effort with her only niece.

I am so close to going 100% NC. I hate the thought of the token birthday and christmas presents for Dd every year, what is the point if they don't care about seeing her?

I think the only thing that stops me going NC is I know it would hurt my dad. Also we have our wedding coming up soon and I don't to make things awkward.

I posted the wedding invitations recently and have heard nothing from sister. I text her this week to thank her for a birthday card and asked if she had recieved invitation and how were they both, no reply.

We are going down to dads tomorrow, I probably should tell her and give her a chance to come and see DD but again I feel why should I as she never contacts me.

It isn't just me they don't bother with. From last christmas back to the one before they didnt see my gran once who only lives 15mins from them. To my knowledge they havent seen her this year since christmas either.

The only family we have left on my mums side is my auntie and our cousins. She doesnt stay in touch with them. My auntie rings her every few months, it is never reciprocated.

Many times I have been tempted to go round to their house and ask them why they are this way but I hate confrontation and it would only make things worse.

Sorry for the absolute essay, I'm not really even sure what I'm asking here, I just wanted to get it all down.

I suppose I could text her and ask why she hasnt replied. Or I could ignore that she hasnt replied and let her know we are down this weekend but if we see her I know underneath I will be feeling angry. Or I can just do nothing and carry on brooding about it! Maybe I should just accept she wants nothing to do with me, DP and her niece

"I suppose I thought she would at least try a bit for dad's sake".

Turn this around; why can't dad make more effort with her?.

I am not at all suggesting that what your sister has done here is right because it is not but there are definite reasons as to why this has happened. This all goes back to your respective childhoods and she is not the only protagonist here.

There may come a time when your dad needs more care, and you both need to be involved and believe me, you don't want to have got yourself into a family feud/NC situation.

This sounds not unlike me and my brother, we do like each other, and our respective spouses, but usually only see each other once a year, they only see my parents once or twice a year too, we see them about once a month. We have children, they do not, they do cards and thoughtful gifts, and show an interest when they do see our DCs, but nothing in between. I used to get very upset with this situation, it often felt I was doing all the running and they often cancelled on us at short notice. We live about 90 mins drive apart, with parents in between, it's me that jumps to it if our parents have a crisis. It does stem from childhood to some extent, I was older, more successful academically and had boyfriends, DB was a later developer and didn't get established in his career and met his wife till his mid 30s, I know he felt overshadowed. He also says they feel a bit marginalised because of the relationship my parents have with our DCs. Finally, and it took us a while to realise this, his wife has very strained relations with some members of her own family and suffers with her own health, so they are very wrapped up in each other, I think not having children means they are at liberty to be totally wrapped up together. So, although I'd like us all to be closer, and so would my mum, it's not going to happen, but we make the most of when we do see each other, it would actually be easy not to bother, but no one would win. It's fine now, but there were about 10 years of tension over this.

It doesn't sound as though she wants the sort of relationship with you as you'd like with her. She's also pretty rude to to reply promptly to the invite to you wedding.

Unfortunately when you test someone to see how much the relationship means to them, the result can sometimes be hurtful.

Rather than go NC (which involves repelling advances made by the other person) try disengagement. No more texts, letters, emails, don't arrange get- togethers and for God's sake don't spend Christmas together - invite your dad to yours instead and send a card. Let your dsis sort out her own relationship with your dad and encourage your dad to take up hobbies that get him out at the weekends.

Once you stop expecting things from your dsis you will find you are less hurt by her 'failure' to be the sister/aunt you want. It takes time though.

Your children are exciting to you but not necessarily anyone else. Maybe she is struggling with infertility and finds it difficult. I don't see why you would need to go no contact. Just stop contacting her and only respond. That should make it pretty low contact but no drama.

What benefit is your father getting from the barely there relationship you are having with your sister?

You cannot force people to be who you want them to be so I think you need to accept that your sister is who she is and how she is.
I read your post as a sister with a very similar sibling and from experience can tell you that it is easier to stop yearning for a relationship that will never happen. You want it but she doesn't.

Stop trying to force a closer relationship OP. Just send birthday and Xmas card each year. If you see each other at family gathering just be friendly. Lots of siblings have minimal contact without having actually fallen out with each other - perfectly normal.
She obviously doesn't feel a closeness to you - sorry, but it is what it is. Let it be.

Your DC is the center of YOUR universe, not your sister's. I was bored silly by other peoples DCs until I had my own, perhaps even a little scared of them. She makes the effort with birthdays and Christmas, that's just how some families are. She's not in the wrong because she's not living up to your personal benchmark of how an auntie, sister and daughter should behave.

It would be different if you had always had a close relationship and your dd had changed anything, but you weren't close anyway before her birth so really there is no rejection, just a continuation of what was before.

I agree with everyone, no reason to create really bad feeling, but equally no need to put yourself out if she's not- I would go to your dads and not mention it to her unless you want to. By the way, visiting once a week isn't that bad for her and your dad, leave them to sort out their rel and I would just let yours be what it is- thank her for the gifts, see her at family dos if they arise.

I too am in much the same situation as yourself ,my sister wont even give me her phone number incase of an emergency with our parents ,I have just accepted now that we are two different people with loose ties as we share the same parents ,at times I feel very sad about the whole thing , but I cant make her like me so it her choice really.

OP

( warning maybe seen as harsh)
Why are you measuring your DSis by your standards?
She is a different person to you and has different interests to you, even though she was in the same house as you she would have had a different upbringing.

As far as I can see she is not doing anything spiteful or nasty, she just isn't doing what you think that she should.

If u only live an hr from u r father couldn't u invite him to ur hse one night a wk. you seem v determined to find fault with ur sister. Concentrate on your own actions. she's choosing to do as she wishes as you do

I'm a bit like your sister. I don't have that strong emotional tie to family, it's just chance that I was born to them and unfortunately I just don't feel that strongly about many of them, the fact that they're blood doesn't make a difference. I'm an introvert too. I live far away now so I've not visited in 6 months and have gone probably 3 or 4 weeks without talking/texting before. She's an adult and while it's nice if families get along, she is free to make her own decisions and I think it's unfair to expect her to take an active part in the family life if that's just not who she is. From what you've described she's not nasty or purposefully mean, she just feels differently than you and that should be okay. I think it's you who needs to adjust your attitude rather than her. Sorry.

I don't see the need to go no contact but maybe you could adjust your expectations. I'm not particularly interested in other people's children even though I have five of my own. I wouldn't think to phone my siblings to ask about my nieces and nephews because I rarely see them and assume that if there was a problem and I was needed then their parents would contact me.
I rarely see my siblings either, we were never really close when we were younger,all very different personalities and as we've made our own lives and our parents are no longer alive there has been no need to maintain ties that were never really there in the first place.
My dm used to say "we are born with our relatives but thank God we can choose our friends" and I think that's pretty true tbh just because we share genes it doesn't make us people we'd choose to have a close relationship with.
It sounds like you and your dsis have very different ideas about the relationship between the two of you it doesn't make either of you wrong just different.