Can't cope with another relationship ending, please tell me what to do, I'm so broken

[Bunny11]

I have a feeling of absolute dread because I know I need to end my current relationship. I've had a marriage and 2 other relationships end in the past. This one really has to end. I am so scared. I loved this man but I spend so much of my time unhappy. Please help me and tell me ways to cope and feel better. I can't bear that I'm going to have to go through the whole heartache and tears again. I don't want to feel so wrecked yet again.

When I recently ended a relationship I kept a note in my phone of all the reasons I was doing it and kept referring to it every time I had a wobble, I took a week out of social engagements to recover, I pampered myself a bit and I let myself feel everything I should be. Sad, regret and low.
Be kind to yourself and know that you are doing the best thing for you x

Why does the relationship have to end? If he's making you unhappy then he's not worth your tears. Ask yourself why you keep choosing the wrong men and work on your self esteem. You will never be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself.

That's a good idea to keep a list. I go over in my head why it's not doing me any good, hoping I can build up to a point to tell him I don't want to see him anymore. I'm just a sideline for him really and I want more for my future and he just wants to very casually see me (it's been a year), live for now (which I do too) but he says he's really not sure what will happen in the future with us. The thought of being single terrifies me which I know is a really bad state to be in. I should be happy with myself.

it sounds as if you are really unhappy in this relationship so do yourself a favour and get rid of him!

Don't believe him when he says he's not sure what will happen in the future - that's bullshit, and he's only saying that to keep you hanging on! He knows he doesn't want to be with you long-term that's why he's treating you as a sideline!

Why are you scared of being single?

If you're unhappy at the moment, a sideline for him, and he won't commit to what you want, then it really is up to you to change things for the better.
I'm single (aged 48), and I can honestly say that I am not unhappy - despite being on occasion lonely and dissatisfied!! The majority of the time I'm actually quite happy. I was however seriously unhappy in my last relationship. It is a million times better to be true to yourself and to what you would like. I heard a good quotation once which you might like:
"Never make someone a priority when for them you are only an option." What do you reckon?

Oh, I wish I could be like you. I just want to be happy and stop being with men who make me so so so unhappy. I'm such a mess. Where do you find your strength? I just only seem to feel good if I have a man around so I think I'm okay. I know it's classic low self esteem, I just can't seem to help myself. I'm 40, I know, I'm being pathetic this morning. I'm just so lonely. I've had quite a lot of counselling but I just always end up the same. I have so far only met men who are of two types, not attractive but nice or attractive and not nice / suitable.

There is a good website which I found helpful

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

There is a lot about why some women are attracted to unavailable men. By emotionally unavailable it means these men have their emotions tied up elsewhere. Maybe they are married, maybe theyre narcissistic maybe they're addicts- but whatever, their emotions are not there for us.

And sometimes we think this is our fault, if only we were more xxx. But actually they will never change- it's them not us! But why are we attracted to them- well that often comes from the patterns of our lives and childhood. Sometimes we're not attracted to "nice", kind emotionally available people because of these very patterns. We think they're too nice, a bit dull!

It illuminated a lot for me. I too have self esteem lower than it should be- but am working on it!! And one thing I do know now is that my low self esteem often did allow me to be badly treated in relationships, and am not going there again. I am working at being attracted to the right kind of emotionally available man. Not cured but hopefully healing. Good luck.

Relationships shouldn't be hard work or make you unhappy though. Try to build up your self-esteem first, perhaps a new interest, job, challenge and go out with nice people. Those nice people might not seem attractive in the beginning because you like the uncertainty of the unpredictable man.

Nice men will care for you and do those lovely little things (surprise trips out, flowers when you're ill etc) and wanting to be with you and do things together and one day you'll look at the nice man and realise how attractive he is, how much you love him and how empty your life would be without him in it.

On the other hand, unpredictable man will keep you dangling on a string to be pulled this way or that way depending on his mood. He won't care for you and will keep you at arm's length so that he can carry on living the independent life. You'll be spending hours agonising over what he's doing, who he's with and feeling envious of anyone who gets his attention more than you do. These men are not keepers and you'll waste your life wishing for something that will never happen.

Sounds like your man is the latter - get rid, he doesn't deserve your adoration.

Baggage claim- brilliant site, I will be exploring it more x

Oh, you all make me want to cry more. You're so right. I'm going to take a look at the website. I am just wasting my life on crappy crappy crappy men. I actually have a lovely friend who I can do stuff with, of course he's really nice so I'm not attracted to him!

"Where do you find your strength?"

You know this man is treating you badly and making you miserable so you must find the strength! Text him now and tell him that you don't want to see him anymore. Go on, I dare you!

You'll feel better for it in the long run, I promise you.

Hi Bunny. Being single is not the terrifying existence you are projecting it to be!

I have been in a relationship like yours dangling on a string or so I thought. On reading baggage reclaim it dawned on me that I too was emotionally unavailable. I would not have stayed in it so long if it was otherwise!

I found out I am a naturally "single" person so I no longer pursue romance and my ideas of it

Honestly if you do end it at least it frees you up for a "right" man?

Do you know, I did briefly wonder that the other day whether I like men who keep me at a distance because that's also what I want, that I like some space and scared someone will take over that and probably also I've got other issues. It's all so mixed up.
I might just have to trust you that being single isn't quite so scary.

I did say to him yesterday that I thought this was the beginning of the end and that triggered my absolute panic and tears.

Well it does feel scary to take that leap and you will feel a whole host of emotions. Then you realise you didn't die from it and there is an equilibrium to be had.

That is my experience anyway.

The loneliness of being single is not nearly as bad as the loneliness of being in a bad relationship, Bunny. I've been single for over thirty years. Wasn't planned like that but it has been a pretty good life and much preferable to being with my dd's dad, for example.

I woke up and realised that his comment - "who knows what will happen in the future, you could be remarried with more kids" really upset me.
Am I being over sensitive about this comment?
To me that said he doesn't know if there's a future for us and he's okay with me being with someone else?
I realise you never know what will happen but you don't really want to be told that do you?

Yeah, I think you are right. Better to be content with yourself and alone than uncontent with yourself and someone else. So, this morning after a good sleep, I've stepped off the bridge. I'm just plunging down now, waiting to hit the water!

I thought you'd been together for years!

Listen to what he's telling you. He doesn't see you as his wife and mother his Kids. Do it for him. Let him go, rejoice in the feeling of being a lovely thoughtful person and then get yourself a new fabulous life where you are too busy for a man who isn't the one!

Boyfriend A - gorgeous, broke my heart.
Boyfriend B - no initial fancying for was a lovely guy. Ultra gorgeous now to me.

Guess who I married? I fell for him because he was lovely, not for what he looked like. I gave him a chance and it was the best thing I ever did.

Oh, fab, thanks for posting that. Such a shit time on the way down.

Bunny11- I could have typed your post, I just recently severed ties from an identical man, he would say he didnt know what he wanted in the futre, wasnt sure if I was the woman for him, wouldnt commit in any way..hes narcissistic and emotionally unavailable..I realised that the short term pain in ending the relationship was better than the longer term misery I would endure. He lived two mins from me..yet only came round on sheduled nights of the week, barely contacted me and I rarely knew what he was actually doing when he wasnt with me..I have cried..and I admit I do miss him..but not all the uncertainty and unhappiness, I know I deserve better. Seriously..you will enjoy longer term happiness if you give this man the heave ho..you deserve better

Well done for making that leap, OP!

I found that I felt I needed a relationship while I was still in one, despite how bad it was for me, but now I'm out, I know I can do it and actually it's great. I see friends when I want company, I have the house to myself when I don't.

Prioritise your friendships and spend time doing stuff you enjoy or think you might enjoy but have never tried. Treat yourself regularly. Listen to the radio. Go out of the house every day.

Those are my tips for enjoying being single. Oh, and consider counselling - it's someone to support you emotionally while you adjust, as well as to help you look back at the relationships you've had.