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Original poster

Advice about marriage

24 replies

ginorwine · 23/05/2015 08:24

Have been married since in my 2o s . Odored him ! He is a very quiet man . When I first met him I needed someone like that ,: a listner , stable , reliable .
I have changed over the years , more self assured , comfy in my own skin .
I feel terrible as the me now would never have chosen to marry him . I feel isolated . Bored . Have tried to work with this stuff over the years . But he won't change and why should he ? I never miss him if he goes away nor do I look forward to him comming home . It feels somehow wrong to be with him but equally wrong to leave a kind loyal man who has always looked after me when I asked for it but who I hardly want to talk to now . We have teens .

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TheoriginalLEM · 23/05/2015 08:29

its not him, its you. If you were indeed more self assured you wouldn't be looking to another person for fun etc. You would find it for yourself.

of course there will be posters who come on and say that your happiness supercedes anything else and to ltb. But thats just the thing though. He isn't a bastard. It sounds a bit like a mid lufe crisis.

Change jobs, get a hobby or ltb but be prepared for it to be a big mistake.

Original poster
ginorwine · 23/05/2015 08:42

I'm not looking for another person .
I have great fun by myself .
I prefer being by myself .
That's what I meant .
I enjoy my own company better than his im afraid to say .

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Original poster
ginorwine · 23/05/2015 08:43

And he's def not a bastard just a lovely man .

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Original poster
ginorwine · 23/05/2015 08:44

Who doesn't and never will talk

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Original poster
ginorwine · 23/05/2015 08:52

So I have learned to make my own entertainment . I read . Garden . Travel . Do things with myself a lot . When I'm home I realise there is nothing there . Emotionally in me . I've tried to tell him people need a connection . Councelling worked temporRily .

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sandgrown · 23/05/2015 08:54

If you leave him and find somewhere to live you may well feel truly isolated when teens leave home . You will have all the financial responsibility too which can impact on having a social life. Is there nothing you could do together to build a social life and give you something to talk about? I do feel for you as DP and I have totally different personalities and I do not want him to.make me "old" .

Joysmum · 23/05/2015 08:57

So you've told him you need a connection, how did you suggest you could both achieve that connection? Did he try to do that or just carry on regardless as he was?

sandgrown · 23/05/2015 08:57

Do you have female friends to go out with and chat to? I really enjoy nights out/coffee with the girls.

Original poster
ginorwine · 23/05/2015 09:05

Sand - that's what I feel - old when with him .
He can sit all night say nothing . Does not want to see other people . Never wants to plan anything .
Then he suddenly seems to try and rescue things . ArrNges us to go to cinema . Seems to think thTs it then resorts back to type . When I say type I mean it's just how heis . I've reLised that now . I don't really believe in trying to change people . Itsme thAt has changed .
Yes have pals . Out for coffee this am . Afternoon party later too . It's when I come home .... Empty .

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Original poster
ginorwine · 23/05/2015 09:11

Re connection .arranged councelling . It worked for a while as she gave us homework and he talked there. Kept things afloat .
The truth is I want him to make the effort im resentful of being the energy in the relationship - like you said what have I done ? Loads . Stopped trying now ! Tired of being the motivator .

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Original poster
ginorwine · 23/05/2015 09:12

Joy yes at councelling he tried . Otherwise not . The effects didn't last .

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Original poster
ginorwine · 23/05/2015 09:15

Sand - how do you prevent your dh from making you feel old ?
When I'm alone in house with dc or out I feel me - with him I feel a not me !! Bored . Lonely . Yet I never feel lonely otherwise such as when I'm alone !

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sandgrown · 23/05/2015 09:41

Hi Gin . I do organise things with friends for both of us which he comes to under duress sometimes but actually enjoys. I know he would be happy for me to go alone but I feel he should make the effort sometimes. Like your husband, if I tell him about it he makes the effort for a while. I have accepted we have totally different personalities. He is a homebird who just likes to sit and watch TV but I find it so boring!

Two of my children are older with families so I do things with them and we have short holidays. I go out with work colleagues and friends,have hobbies, and generally just do what I want. I used to wonder if he would want to come but as he generally says no I don't bother asking now. It is hard when you come back from a lovely day out and he is not inclined to talk or it is a lovely day and they do not want to do anything. He seems happy enough and I think I have to accept he is unlikely to change much and just do the things I want to do.Maybe it is settling for second best but I have been divorced before and it was a very lonely and difficult time.

I think as the children grow up and you have more time you realise you are drifting . Maybe you need to find new interests just for you if he definitely will not come along. If you have spare time what about volunteering or take up something that will stretch you. I did a degree as a part time mature student. Hard work but very worth it. Lots of new friends and a great sense of achievement.

sakura · 23/05/2015 10:06

sounds so tedious for you. you will fly if you leave him. your social life will reach new heights. he's a pipe and slippers person and is making you old too. stagnation is what you're experiencing

sakura · 23/05/2015 10:07

i'm not saying ltb, but if you stay you're choosing his happiness over yours. can you be a martyr?

Allofaflumble · 23/05/2015 11:45

If you genuinely believe you are and will be happier alone then go for it. It is awful to be in the company of someone yet feel so resentful of their presence.

Just be sure as you can be this is what you want.

Original poster
ginorwine · 23/05/2015 20:22

Thankyou all for replies

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FlabulousChix · 23/05/2015 21:57

In your twenties your one person when you reach 30 you grow up. Well I did. I changed. What qe want changes. It's not a crime that your needs and wants are no longer the same you have outgrown him.

JustADevilWoman · 23/05/2015 22:05

It is perfectly possible to like different things and stay together if there is a enough of a connection but maybe there isn't enough - except for the kids - holding you together. You need to think about what it is you want for yourself for the future. Are you lonely as things stand? Can you see yourself continuing like this for the foreseeable? It's a cost-benefit analysis. Does the good outweigh the bad?

Rudawakening · 23/05/2015 22:12

My DH and I went through something similar but I was only 28. My DH is similar to yours in that he enjoys staying at home more than going out, but we do talk and he will come places, travel and do days out.

The issue was me, I thought I wanted more, that he was holding me back. We split up for 6 months, nearly ended in divorce, but I realised that i didn't want to give up that easily. So we decided oneast try, and I'm so pleased we did.

I realised that the reason I was so self assured is because I knew that without a doubt I had him there, I could do anything because fail or succeed I always had someone in my corner. He is my best friend and my biggest advocate. Things have only gotten better since we got back together 3 years ago.

The grass isn't always greener, be really sure that it's done before you make any lasting decisions.

sandgrown · 24/05/2015 07:33

Well said rude. It requires a lot of soul searching if your DH is basically a good person. I think OP you are also at the stage where your children need you less so more time to yourself and you want to fly a bit . There are times I have thought of going but when I think of the impact on family, the splitting of our home and the financial impact on both of us I realise it is not too bad. DH is happy for me to do the things I enjoy so I do and no longer feel guilty leaving him at home. Good Luck whatever you decide

Original poster
ginorwine · 24/05/2015 08:28

Thanks all for replies .
Yes he does give me security I didn't think about that .
It's that I'm tired out of being the planner , the motivator . For eg I left the summer for him to organise or even discuss- result .nothing .
He organises a yearly holiday with his friend months in adance tho . Maybe it's the friend who does all the work .
I am sad because I kno he won't change and I live in a silent house unless I do anything .
For eg our ds loves a certain sport - I had to arrange for dh to take him - both loved it . Not happened since .
I guess I've got to weight out the pros and cons as has been suggested . Thanks all x

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Original poster
ginorwine · 24/05/2015 08:31

Sand grown - just noticed ur name ! That s the name for our locals !

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Original poster
ginorwine · 24/05/2015 14:57

Thanks for all your kind comments .
After dc exams going to go away for a few days .

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