I think I'm destroying my relationship

[JustCallMeBroken]

Have NC for this because I feel terrible and ashamed about it. I'm sorry, it will be long, don't want to drip feed.

Basically, I have been struggling badly with intimacy over the last 6 months.
A lot of things have happened in that time, starting with me becoming seriously ill and nearly dying. I came off maternity leave into a demanding full time job, we moved areas for a bigger house but now commute to the old area for school and work, meaning we leave at 8am and often don't get home until 6pm.
I have always had health issues, but since my illness, I've also suffered with piles, fissures and menorrhagia, also any sort of touch on my genitals seems to cause me to itch like crazy for days, all of which have made me feel crap and broken, but due to where we live now I am struggling to go and see a GP as it would mean taking at least 2-3 hours off work.
DH gets terribly fed up with me complaining about my health issues so I've not mentioned my nether-issues beyond the odd mention about worrying amounts of blood during my period.
When we do have sex, which is rare, it's by rote and he ejaculates after a minute or two.
I have intimacy issues anyway due to childhood abuse, but we had gotten to a point where we were both comfortable.

DH is amazing, he does most of the house work, all the gardening, washing up, laundry, is great with all our children and is a very loving, but shy and introverted (I'm convinced he's on the spectrum) but not the nursey type (his words).
He's my best friend unless I want sympathy

I'm so tired, overworked and physically uncomfortable all the time, I am making him feel unloved and insecure. When we get home, I make dinner, feef the kids, put the baby to bed. By the time all kids are asleep it's often 10pm.
Last night I felt so ill, I fell asleep with the baby at 7.30 and woke up 3 hours later, and a bit feverish, when he came in to take baby to bed.

He tried to open a dialogue about how unloved he feels and how he wishes we could have more physical contact but I haven't initiated any in the last 6 months and he is scared in case I reject him.
I told him I was incredibly tired and feeling like crap, but to him it just sounds hollow and like an excuse.

This morning when he tried to talk again before the children woke up, I gathered up my courage and told him about my nether-problems. He just sighed and left the room.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I gathered up my courage and told him about my nether-problems. He just sighed and left the room.

Not impressed that he has this reaction to something which is a big problem for you.

What do you mean by sex by rote?

Sounds miserable for both of you :(

You take time off work and get to the gp: this is crucial. Your dc need you healthy and fit. Your dh would probably find it easier to be sympathetic if you had the 'medical facts' to give him and also the next steps for treatment. This would at least let him know that a)it is real and b) you care enough about your relationship with him to want to get the health issues sorted.

As for the day to day routine, without wanting to seem unsympathetic, lots of us do that. It's not ideal but it keeps a roof over your head. Make it as easy as possible - online grocery shopping with set lists so you just book your slot and it arrives, cleaner to help you keep on top of things so weekends are family time not drudgery. It does cost a little bit (but no more than a takeaway) but your time is precious and time with dc flies by. Get yourself better - the rest will be much easier when you are well again.

No, I'm not either. I guess he's going to digest it and then tell me to go see a doctor. Which is incredibly hard for me to get to without losing half a working day.

Sex by rote.. Maybe I used the wrong term, I mean it feels like we are just "doing it" routinely, once every 6 weeks or so, not much connection, it's a bit boring really and tends to leave us both frustrated - because he doesn't last much beyond the first penetration, because I don't get much out of it other than a soreness issue etc.

We both want to change it to what it used to be like a few years ago, but can't seem to find the way back :(

YvyB can a cleaner come and do your house while you are away?
The plan is to get a dishwasher and tumble dryer now we have space for them, to lighten the load a little, but we can't seem to find the time to sit down and choose them.
Are there any meal planning resources out there?
How terrible would it be to feed the older 2 sandwiches in the evenings because they have a school dinner at lunch time?

If you trust your cleaner, they can come whenever you pay them to!
My ds makes his own sandwiches for tea - he has school dinners at lunch time and I shove fruit in him at breakfast. I don't think there's any reason why a child (depending on their age) can't learn some independence. I work long hours and am a single mum: he knows that stripping his own bed, making his sandwich etc is just how it is. I alsowant him to be a considerate partner when he grows up so I see it as part of his training :D
I think the major supermarkets have menu planning as part of their websites. I've set up my own lists (Sunday evening healthy, Friday evening not so healthy!) and once a week I just book my delivery slots and check through the lists.
Definitely get a dishwasher (ds's job to empty mine!) and tumble dryer. When you both work they make life that bit easier and why wouldn't you deserve that? I've used ao.com for appliances and they were fine but if you want more reassurance, john lewis do longer warranties. Don't agonise over spending/saving a few quid. Just order them and start using them.

Do get yourself checked out as a matter of urgency. You're possibly anaemic too which makes you feel awful. Most important lesson I learnt as a single mum was that if I wasnt fit and well, everything was stuffed. It's the same for you too - your dcs need you happy and functioning and you dh is showing the signs of strain. That's not to make you feel guilty though; it's just to show you that putting yourself first is vital for everyone's wellbeing.

Can you not register for a doctors nearer?

Clearly you are both unhappy and for him he's saying he feels unloved so its not just about the sex.

I'm seriously unimpressed at the sighing and walking out the room. He seems to think this is done sort of game of top trumps on who feels the most hurt. When he talked to you, did you acknowledge his feelings before explaining your own because if you didn't, I can see why he reacted badly.

My usual trick in the past was the 'I know you're not happy and I'm not too. We owe it to ourselves to find a way to make things better' line.

I read your OP and it's all about the problems you are having with nothing mentioned about what can be done. I think you need to think about what can be done so you're showing willing about solutions. Also think about what you need from him as well as what he needs from you. If he's feeling unloved and insecure then physical affection that isn't sex might be helpful, as would telling him all the things you appreciate and love about him.

I'm sure you're upset and angry and disappointed, and subsiquent posters will be clear in reiterating you have every right to be. Equally, I can see why he is if he is feeling insecure and unloved and thinks you aren't interested in trying to change things and are just full of excuses.

You can both continue to feel this way or you can both try to appreciate and communicate an appreciation of each other and to talk about how to get back to a level where you are both happy (even if that isn't fully where you were). If you just get stuck in the blame game you can both remain negative and things will just get worse.

Good luck

As a priority, book that drs appt on Monday morning. You need to get yourself looked at, why should you be "coping" with this? Just book that appointment, tell work it is urgent.

Buy a dishwasher and tumble drying this weekend. Set aside an hour and just do it.

I would defiantly give your dc sandwishes in the evening if they have a school lunch. Just add some fruit, and maybe some nuts/cheese/ to snack on too.
If you are still having to cook for you and dh- give yourself a week off, cooking wise. I still do this now when I have a busy week, by planning very easy meals, and/or lots of pre made stuff. A week of this won't do anyone any harm, it will give you time to get it the drs, sort out new routines with dishwasher/tumble dryer and have a bit of a break. So pizza and salad/omelette etc.

Good luck with it all.

Thank you.
I'm not angry about the way he reacted, I've just reached a point where I know it's mostly down to me, and I'm not entirely certain what to do to make it better.
I had to register with the surgery closest to our house, which is half an hour away from where I work, and in the nearest town to where we live (we are extremely rural now).
I requested with my old surgery to stay where I was, but "it's against their policy", even though I work just down the road from them. I had a good relationship with my old GP as well, and now I'm at a big surgery that is very busy and requests for same day appointments require a phone consultation first, otherwise the closest bookable appointment is something like 3 weeks in the future.

I have told him he doesn't need to feel scared, but that I need to feel like if there is physical contact, it comes without expectations. He says the expectations are in my head not in his. I accept that. I just can't remember how to switch it off.
We spend very little time together these days.

Our children are 1, 4 & 5.

Just echoing the poster above about anaemia. I had really very heavy periods and was exhausted, turned out i was anaemic and was put on iron which made a huge difference to my energy levels and mood. I also had endometrial ablation as i was sure i wanted no more children. I can't believe the difference these days.

I'd say you need to put your health at the top of the list and see a doctor as a matter of priority as so much of it is connected to your health.

As for how to deal with your partner, he has obviously lost patience, which seems pretty unkind, but can be a pretty common response.

I'd try writing it all down the way you have on here to let him read and take in, or in fact show him this post.
It's obvious from this post that you do want to have a loving relationship but your health issues are stopping that. Him being more understanding would help, but dealing with your health issues will help more by the sounds of it.

If you don't know what to do to make it better, have you asked him what he feels you could both do to start the ball rolling?

2-3 hours off work is little to invest in improving your marriage.

I fully appreciate it's difficult to see a GP and talk about this sort of thing and that their system doesn't make this any easier. However it really is your first priority and asking for support from your DH to do this may help you quit the excuses and at the same thing make him feel more needed and emotionally secure and appreciated too.

By the way, if my posts come across as big judgey pants then I'm sorry as that's the last thing I want you to think.

It's just that the past 9 months have seen me realising I'm my own barrier too and that I can change things. I'd love to see you get there too.

Here, have these

Actually, it's not just you. It sounds like he has premature ejaculations. And it doesn't sound like sex has ever been particularly good for either of you.

This is far too important for you to use taking half a day off work as an excuse not to start sorting it out.

But you seeing your GP is only the start of it. Is there any chance you would consider some sort of sex counselling? If not, maybe, try a bit of reading on how to fix sexual difficulties. Certainly, I think you should stop trying to have penetrative sex for a while and explore other ways of giving each other pleasure.

Your husband sounds very unsympathetic and unsupportive. You nearly died and he's "sick of you moaning" about your health?! I understand he might be struggling too, but why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't seem to care about your well being?!

Having said that I would find it very frustrating if my partner moaned about their health and didn't go to the doctor. You really need to go. Just phone and say you need an appointment today/within the next few days, and when they ask what for, tell them you would prefer not to say. You are perfectly entitled not to discuss your health condition with the receptionist.

I also recommend Relate or another couples counselling provider. It sounds like you and your husband would definitely benefit from it.

He didn't use to have the ejaculation problem, that seems recent.
Sex used to be pretty good in comparison to now when we first started seeing each other 10 years ago.
Sometimes I wonder whether it has something to do with me being his first ever sexual partner (though he cheated on me twice in the first 4 years of our relationship), and he has been my only loving male sexual partner.

I will ring the GP on Tuesday, I guess should probably make a long appointment....

He cheated on you twice?

Anyway glad to hear you plan to make a doctor's appt. Yes maybe you could book a double one.

Good luck.

Yes, it's really totally forgiven and not worth mentioning these days. I only mentioned it for context (ie first sexual partner etc).

We need to make a small adjustment woth the plumbing to put in a dishwasher, so I will check how quickly that can be done and order one. Dryer shouldn't need anything, but I know nothing about them.

2 types of dryer: vented and condensor. Unless you have a vent ready in the wall (it will be round), you need a condensor. That just means the water goes in to a tank which you slide out and then tip down the sink. Simples!

If I'm buying an appliance I always go on the John lewis website, they have info pages on each kind of appliance, so you can find out about them.

And do buy one with a good energy rating as they aren't that cheap to run.

Yes, DH will only let me buy A rated appliances or better. Dryer would go in the utility room, I was wondering whether we may be able to run a hose out into the garden from it - if vented is better than condenser.

We haven't really spoken since earlier, beyond him telling me about something DC1 did to DC2 that was particularly mean. I feel like I've really upset him. :(

OP I've noticed something about the way you talk about the issues:
I'm destroying my relationship
I am making him feel unloved and insecure
I know it's mostly down to me
I've really upset him

It seems to me that you are blaming yourself for everything and that you see your feelings, his feelings, and the relationship as your responsibility alone. Why is this? Does he blame you or do you just blame yourself?

I think that in a relationship you should be a team and both take responsibility. If there are issues, you both need to take responsibility for addressing them. You do this by talking to each other, listening, coming up with a solution together, and supporting each other. He can't just sulk and expect you to fix things by yourself. And although you must take responsibility for your own health, these problems are not your fault. I don't think it helps to blame yourself.
He can't just demand sex and make you feel guilty because you're not giving it to him. He needs to support you in addressing the root causes of your lack of desire for sex atm (which is completely understandable).

From a health pov I suggest you look up the Vulval Pain Society, they have lots of useful information and advice on their website.

But from a relationship point of view I think you really need to reevaluate this idea that's it's your "fault" and your responsibility. It takes two!

He doesn't demand sex, and he doesn't blame me either. He's been trying to work out how he can change or what he can do to make things better without having to directly ask me - talking about this has terrifies him since I opened up to him about the abuse I experienced. He doesn't want to upset me, but at the same time he doesn't really know what to do either.
He's a good egg, really. Especially so in the last couple of years, since we've had lots of things to deal with.

Maybe I am taking too much blame, but it does feel like I am the one who is keeping the distance. Using my phone or tablet or laptop for escapism, sitting on the other end of the sofa, finding things that need doing all the time. I can't seem to stop for a second until I fall asleep.

Hi OP, based on this update I really think that couples counselling would do you two a world of good. Communication is so important and given the issues you've been dealing with, it's understandable that you would need a bit of support in tackling them.
DH and I have had sex therapy at Relate and I would thoroughly recommend them.
It might be hard to talk about the issues but probably won't be as bad as you both think. And you can't ignore them forever, just hoping they'll go away! (I say that kindly as I've been there myself!)

OP I think you are probably trying to resolve everything at the same time? In priority order I would:

1. Register with GP and book an appointment or find a GUM clinic, book the appointment and schedule it in your diary, let work know.
2. Discuss managing your other health concerns with your GP.
3. Be kind to yourself more.
4. Resting and then having more meaningful conversations with your DH?
5. Whilst surfing the internet, compare 4 Dishwashers and 4 Tumble dryers on any website, (my favourite being John Lewis because of the guarantee and excellent after service)
6. In the next couple/few weeks go look at the 2 top choices, then order.

You cannot have a healthy happy home/work if you are not taking care of you. Be kind to yourself the rest will (should) follow.