Advice wanred re:Pils

[Alibongo33]

Hi
I have been with my Dh for 5 years we have 2 DC who are 3 and 2. My dh and kids visit them every month or so for about 1 hour, they live 15 mins away. They refuse to see me because I have made it clear I don't like bil.
He is violent including attacking my dh 3 years ago because we parked in 'his' space on the pils drive. He drinks too much also to sleep at night. He doesn't work but pils still are their child care while sil is at work because he can't cope alone with his 3 DC. He hates dh and they have never got on. My pils financially support them so they still work into the 70's.
My own mum lives an hour away and works fulltime my dad passed away 7 Years ago.

My dh doesn't want to cut contact with his parents because they might die then he'll regret it, it feels obligated to keep in contact and feels obligated to dc's to know gps as they only have one other.

I am a sahm and my husband works long hours but because they hate me they won't help even through my pnd, or our youngest health problems.

Our son is to have an operation to have tonsils,adeniods out and grommets put in. My husband can only get the day of op off from work,my mum is coming for two days to help care for our daughter so my dh asked whether all could be forgotten (I apologised for criticising bil) and they could come and help out with childcare for dd ( school run, some teas at theirs etc) so I could concentrate on ds because apparently his op at his young age has quite a long recovery period.

They have refused because it would involve seeing me and being in our house. My dh has just said oh right OK.

I am scared about coping with my poorly son and dd on my own and I am struggling with the idea of my little boy having an op anyway.

Ironically they will know exactly what is going to happen because my dh had the same procedure when he was little but they had both sets of parents and mils sister and her dh to support them.

I feel so lonely facing this.

Is it your 2 year old having the operation? DS2 had this at 2 1/2 and the recovery was really fast. In fact, initially we were due to stay overnight but were released the same day. They perform the operations in order of age so the young children are early on in the day.

We had school runs etc to do as well with absolutely no backup, and he coped just fine, he really did. Please don't get so stressed about how you're going to cope with this.

From a practical point of view, your DH is entitled to parental leave from work, although he has to give sufficient notice. He may have to take it unpaid though.

On the emotional side of things, you might find Susan Forward's "Toxic In-Laws" an enlightening read.

Alibongo,

They are horrid. Is there someone else you know who could help? If not could you pay for some help?

Think of it as a blessing that they are holding firm on their "we hate alibongo" position: with people like that, letting them back in your lives for one event would come with all sorts of strings attached, which you would then have to spend years cutting all over again.

The fact that they only see your children for one hour a month is also good: they are unlikely to be able to fuck them up with so little contact.

Your PILs are not healthy people for anyone to be in a relationship with, least of all children. Think how it affects children to see the adults in their lives enabling violent and entitled behaviour: they learn from that.

Your DS's post-op recovery may be a tricky time for you to handle, but you will get through it. And it is best if you get through it with your no contact with PILs / DCs' minimal contact with PILs intact.

I hope your son's op goes well, find other childcare because his parents can never be relied upon at all. You will get through this difficult time without his parents and you personally do not need them anyway.

It is not your fault his parents are the ways they are; you did not make them that way and the roots of all this started in his family of origin long before you came on the scene. It is likely that your BIL has always been more favoured by his parents at your DH's expense.

Your DHs reasons for maintaining any contact with his parents are really no reasons at all for doing so. He needs them still. He, like many people of such inadequate parents, is in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. He is still looking for their approval, approval they will never give him.

Also subjecting his children to them as well (even for an hour a visit) will do them no favours in the long run either; they see these people without you as their mum there and will wonder why that is. These children need positive adult role models; not his parents who have always enabled their other son (to everyone's detriment,) despise their DIL and whose other son i.e. your DH only goes to see them because of his feeling obligated. He is not putting his own family at all first here and frankly he needs to. He is not helping his own self either by doing what he is doing, its causing his own family unit problems.

His own boundaries are far too low anyway re his parents and such people can and will take advantage of his weakness and lack of backbone. He talking to them about them helping you was an error of judgment on his part. Just as bad was that he capitulated when they said no, he has always done this and has been conditioned by his parents to do this as well. I was not at all surprised that they refused to help; they will never do so either because they are horrible and dysfunctional. These people have never apologised to you as a couple nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions. You do not yourself need people like that in your lives and nor actually do your children.

Your DH really does need to see a therapist about his unbalanced relationship with his parents if he really does want to help his own family now. He reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward would be helpful to him as would you reading "Toxic Inlaws" written by the same author.

I would also suggest you look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages too.

Lovey, if I knew you, I'd offer to do the school run for you at the very least! Ask fellow school mums, they'd definitely help out with that.

I agree, this won't be anywhere near as bad as you are afraid of it being. We're here for you, remember that!

Don't ever go cap in hand to people who support someone who's violent toward you or your family. Your dh will soon see who his family are and hopefully will be free of the obligation of keeping contact with people who clearly don't like him or his family very much.