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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A friend who is becoming more and more difficult to be around

4 replies

ella152 · 22/05/2015 08:59

I have a work colleague / friend (male although I don't think it makes any difference in this situation) who I've known for a long time. We usually have lunch once a week and catch up on news etc and until recently things were very relaxed and quite a laugh. However for the past few months he has started to become more and more distant and we don't laugh anymore. At first I thought it was something that I had done but now I'm concerned it might be some personal or mental health problem he has. I have tried gently probing but we are not so close that I feel comfortable asking outright if there's a problem.

The thing is that I no longer enjoy spending time with him. When we met this week I made what used to be an in joke and got snapped at, followed by what I felt were several personal insults about how I am irritating, go on about things etc etc. When I challenge him about the insults he says he finds everyone irritating and doesn't acknowledge that he didn't used to be like this. I've tried keeping my distance and not contacting him (in case he wants space) and he will then make an effort to arrange lunch with me. I want to be there in case he needs a friend, but I've reached the point where I don't really want to meet up as I tend to take the insults personnally and I don't understand why he would want to hang around with me if I have so many faults (I have self-esteem issues). Any suggestions?

OP posts:
BettyCatKitten · 22/05/2015 09:17

Don't meet up for the time being, make an excuse to not do lunch. Leave the ball on his court.

springydaffs · 22/05/2015 09:18

Who doesn't take insults personally?! Sounds like they were very personal!

He may be struggling but that doesn't mean he can choose you to be his punchbag. He can bog off - you'll be there for him IF he can behave respectfully - but otherwise, no, you don't have to put up with that shit.

It's called boundaries, op - re this is me, I'm valuable, you don't get to great me badly, regardless what you're going through.

It's good for him and it's good for you!

springydaffs · 22/05/2015 09:19

*treat

Flatsfromnowon · 22/05/2015 14:25

I had this. It's such an awkward position to be in. I can offer no advice really - I tried to keep my distance but that didn't work and then one day a situation arose so I cancelled lunch and then didn't make anymore contact. Unfortunately this seemed to annoy my 'friend' who emailed and asked what had happened. I didn't want to get personal about how I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells around her, or that I worried about what I could/should say and that I just didn't like lunch with her anymore. So I kept it brief, explained about why I cancelled and wished her well. Unfortunately this angered her even more and I got the most spiteful and bitchy reply, real schoolgirl nastiness. However it did sort of prove that she didn't actually like me that much which in turn is what I must have been picking up on and the reason for not enjoying seeing her anymore.
Good luck but don't ever let anyone hurt your feelings unnecessarily. Who needs that?

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